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June 3, 2021 – ‘Tacticool’ Thursday

June 3, 2021 /

We are starting to get into a tough season. This weekend is the only free weekend we have this month. July has at least half of the weekends claimed already and at least one in August. I love the summer but it is hard to do the things that I want to do.

Since I haven’t been to the range since February, I am very delayed in my planned goals for the year. In my head, I am OK with it because I have shot trap a couple of times and there is no ammunition to refill once it is gone. But I thought that I would share my plan on how to make the most of my time.

I am going to do my best to get there this month. But just in case, I will call it my next range trip plan. I have two 20 gauges. Last year I purchased a shorter barrel and a red dot sight for one. Neither have I ever had on the rifle range to see how slugs would perform, let alone sighted in. I would like to see the difference that a longer barrel vs. a shorter barrel would make. I would like to switch brands of ammunition to verify effect.

Said another way, I plan to sight in the red dot with slugs at 50 yds. Then I plan to check the difference of ammunition. After that, I plan on checking the pattern of buckshot at that difference. Along the way, I am going to switch barrels and firearms to see if I can tell the difference of different variables on the same ammunition. Below is the breakdown of my plan.

870 20 – sight in red dot on 18″ barrel (15)
870 20 – slug test field barrel (5)
870 20 – brand change (5)
R22/20 – test fire on range (5)
870 20 – pattern buck on range
870 20 – field barrel buck pattern
R22/20 – test fire buck

If you look carefully at the picture, you can see that the Remington slugs are 5/8oz and the Winchester slugs are 3/4oz. Reportedly, both are at a muzzle velocity of 1600 fps. It is highly likely that they will not zero at the same point with the red dot. And certainly, the heavier slug will have more drop at distance. This is why it is important to take your check your hunting ammunition at the range.

This is a fairly simple plan. It will likely take a couple of hours to perform. And even at 40 shots at most, it is still $125 worth of ammunition. My dad wants to go as well, so it will probably go a little longer, I would say it will be a good half day,

If the cost (and availability) of ammunition wasn’t so much of a problem, I would also have liked to try more ammunition variations like 2 3/4″ vs 3″ shells of the same brand, standard vs reduced recoil of the same length shell and some different chokes. I would also like to move out to 100 yards and maybe even 200 yards. I would also like to do some similar variations with buckshot as well. I am just not going to be able to get this done at least at this time.

Change Your Programming Routine: When time and resources are limited, planning makes the most of both. Being deliberate with your actions is the most efficient training that you can perform. I don’t know anyone personally, but I have heard through podcasts and radio people that shoot 1000 rounds a session. I have never had the inclination to shoot that much from a cost and time standpoint. I just want to make everything count.

June 2, 2021 – Recipes and Lies

June 2, 2021 /

In my recent stint of ethnic cooking and looking at recipes I have noticed a theme about times and how they are portrayed. They always seem to be way too short.

For a long time, I have subscribed to and enjoyed the podcast ‘Harvest Eating‘. Way early on, probably within the first 20 episodes, Keith talks a little about the process of testing recipes. This was in the context of producing the cookbook and how recipes had to be tested multiple times to validate everything was correct. He never went in depth about the process and I always wondered what the process was about.

My technique for making something new includes trying to find three or four recipes and look for the similarities. If most ingredients and proportions seem to agree, then I generally consider the premise reliable. Sometimes I am looking to add the outlier ingredients and sometimes I am looking to skip them, it depends on what I am trying to use up or not have something that has very little future use.

I suppose that it goes back to simple/easy conversation a few weeks ago. For the most part, recipes are a collection of steps that build on each other. Those steps can be both simple and easy or one or the other but rarely neither. One of my problems is that often I am looking at a blog on my phone and ultimately goes blank and then I have to scroll through all of the pictures to get back down to the recipe.

But also, I question the twenty minutes of prep that seems to be ubiquitous. Rarely do I see something that is less or more than that. Last week, I made a vegan Bahn Mi that contained tofu, yam. taro root and egg plant. That recipe’s prep time was also 20 minutes and I don’t think I had everything on the counter and peeled in that time. Additionally, cook time was twenty minutes which included frying all of those roots, then braising them with the softer and more fragrant items like eggplant and lemon grass. Needless to say, it took more like an hour and a half to get everything done.

It seems like when chef’s test recipes, it may be coming from someone that has done it a dozen times or more. In addition to that, they likely have a vast experience base of culinary skills and tools. It also might be that they don’t care how many dishes are used to make the dish (I try to minimize the number of bowls, utensils and tools that have to be washed at the end, I think that might slow me down some too). This was my first time using taro root, I wasn’t quite sure how to approach it.

We are having Indian tomorrow, and the Aloo Gabi is on the menu because it is vegan (so my son will eat it) and sounds good. I will give it a test and see. I have to peel potatoes and break down cauliflower as well as get all the spices gathered up. I can be kind of a risk taker when it comes to food and cooking Indian never having done it is one of those things. I will start right after work and we will see if I get it done in time for dinner.

One more quick tip I use is you can reduce cooking time by getting everything out of the refrigerator and allowing it to come up to room temperature (while prepping). It also tends to cook better and more consistently. There is nothing worse than trying to cook something that is almost ice cold with a stir fry technique.

End Your Programming Routine: For making something new, exotic or unknown, I would plan on at least doubling the total time of a stated recipe. Using the concept of Mise en Place you can always delay cooking until everything is staged, but you cant get time back if you start too late.

June 1, 2021 – Happy Birthday Mom

June 1, 2021 /

It has been a few days. Last week was a somewhat busy and hard week. I did little on my project and little on most of anything else. It seemed like stuff kept coming up that got in the way.

Now that the season has shifted towards summer, my focus and dynamics tend to change a bit. A lot of it is making sure that the different plants get some attention so that they can make it another year. I also have noticed through the years that life is busier when the weather gets nicer. For instance, how many people are walking on the sidewalk at 8pm in January? Not many.

At least, over the weekend I was able to buy the majority of the materials to finish my project. All that is really left to buy is finishes, like paint. I also spent a couple hours completing the blocking and framing so I am ready to start the drywall. I had some landlord obligations this weekend and we had a family gettogether yesterday. I washed my pickup for the first time in several years as well.

Today is my mom’s birthday, 70 in fact. That means that she was born in 1951. It is interesting to think about how much has changed in a lifetime. That puts her smack in the heart of the baby boom generation. Born in the idyllic 1950’s, coming of age for Vietnam and the draft and then peaking in the 80s and 90s. Not being there personally, other than maybe attitudes and opinions, I don’t think life was that much different in the 1950s versus the 1970s when I was born.

My dad did some travel when we were young and they weren’t trips where he was home on the weekend. Sometimes, he would be gone for a month before he came back home, so we spent a fair amount of time alone. From my perspective, I don’t really remember much about those days other than it seemed normal.

I think the family dynamic is different and personal. My brother for instance has a largely strained relationship with my mom while my sister’s is fairly close. I fall somewhere in the middle where I see both sides. If we look at characteristic traits, I inherited some of my most distinct views from my mom. Things like frugality, reading, independence, faith and probably some emotional distance are attributable to her.

I can’t say that there is any one particular thing but if I speculate, maybe my brother feels like the middle child and that he wasn’t the first or the favored. We didn’t exactly have a typical 80s-90s childhood, but it was far from being horrible. We lived out in the country and my family didn’t spend money unless it was necessary. I did get my entire college paid for (he got four years paid for), we had annual family vacations and trips and were selectively involved in extra curricular activities.

I think where I fall on the spectrum is that I have come to embrace my individuality. I do need to watch to make sure that some points don’t push into the unhealthy side of my own relationships. It can be a struggle sometimes with my wife being the complete opposite of me but I tend to believe that it brings a balance to life. I can embrace the parts of me that are unique while monitoring that my personality doesn’t squash emotion.

We are having a family dinner tonight thanks to my sister organizing it. I think that it is going to be nice, we have a good time when we are all together. I think the last time that happened was Christmas 2019. Although we are getting together in three weeks again for a family trip.

As I got to know my grandfather (my mom’s dad) later in life, it was definitely worth it. He told me numerous times, that he wanted to have relationships with his family. As much as he said that he wanted it, he didn’t really try to create one. It was more us making the effort. We rarely spent time when we were young with him as he was divorced and my step grandmother had her own family all from before I was born.

It makes me at least understand that my vision of relationship is colored by my experience while my wife would say the same thing which is a whole different perspective. This is all to say that this whole thing is complicated difficult to put into categories. Forget all of that for now, tonight we celebrate.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t think that I did a real good job with this one, I started out with Happy Birthday and degenerated into dissecting family dynamics. I guess that what I was trying to get across is that you are a product of your environment, but it doesn’t have to define your relationships, happiness or future. The one constant with this is to continue to analyze your thoughts and behavior and do what you can to learn and become better from your experiences.

May 25, 2021- Rough wiring complete, Insulation mostly done

May 25, 2021 /

Time is a consistent theme for me. I never seem to have enough of it. There are the things I want to do, I do some of that. There are the things I have to do, I do those things when I must usually dragging my feet. There are the things that I should do that seem like I rarely do those things.

It is always better when time constraints overlap like should/want and want/need. Planning what I want to write about falls between want to do and should do, but definitely not a have to do. Because of that, I didn’t really have a topic today. My choice of free time is going toward my project work. So you are getting a project update today with a helping of thought provoking commentary.

I have the materials and the wherewithal to finish the insulation. But, without light inside the space, I am delaying the final enclosure as long as possible. I would like to get as much of the drywall installed before I finish the final wall. I do have work lights, but they are a pain. I could also install a temporary fixture, but I would have to daisy chain all the proceeding electrical together first and then it would still be in my way.

I have a little bit of framing, blocking and stiffening work to do, they are all on the north wall to. So, I will see if I run out of things to do before I only have insulation to work on. I do plan on buying the drywall this weekend. That will be the last major chunk of expense. In the mean time, I have two pieces of drywall that I had carefully removed before I started.

For some reason, I didn’t push the right buttons to build a career in this line of business. It would have combined multiple interests like business development and hard skills like building. I suppose that it didn’t turn out to be my lot in life but it is really on my brain all day long. As I sit here doing my work, I can smell the lumber and the craft paper of the insulation and it I keep turning to look at my project causing me to get distracted and scheme about my next moves.

Sometimes, I can’t help myself and start cutting pieces of insulation or pull a run of wire when a meeting is droning on. That gets me thinking along the lines of content generation and how I can utilize my skills and interest in that direction. Pretty soon, I am not paying any attention to what is going on. I am sure that God has a plan for me, I am much less sure what it is.

On an semi-related note, yesterday I was listening to the Outside podcast. They snuck one in on me and the subject matter was an interview with a transgender outdoor athlete. When podcasts get too deep into social justice and social engineering, they don’t last to long in my feed. Outside tends to lean that way to begin with but as long as it is not the only subject matter, then I listen with an open mind.

I do not get it, but I do believe that people can be living lives that do not fit with how they are born. It is clear that when they describe the before and after life that the release is genuine. It makes me wonder what it would feel like to feel that way and how a person would struggle with identity and contentment. Fortunately, my problem is more of building and plan and executing rather than doing something that is impossible.

Circling back to time now. In order for me to re-invent myself, I would need to dedicate the time to do so which is hard. I have things that I want to do as well but it comes down to how much pain is the current situation versus desire to change. For that, I will not complain but continue sculpting whatever my life will end up becoming; I guess that if it was quick, then I would already be doing it.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t think that I was ever planning on talking about let alone connecting transgender to insulation. Regardless, just like all things that I write about, we have to evaluate the data that we have and execute decisions based on what we think has the best outcome. The most important thing to do is to think about the variables and potential outcomes. At least that way, we don’t continue to do the same things for reasons that we don’t understand.

May 24, 2021 – Family Meal Night

May 24, 2021 /

It has been a long time since I have talked about cooking. It is one of those things that I do most nights but don’t plan well enough to take pictures during the stages. Consequently the meal comes and goes and I don’t end up talking about it.

My son came up with idea that we would pick a theme and he would do part of the meal and I would do the other. We picked Thursday because it is one of the few nights of the week that we didn’t have an evening commitment (at the time). One of the reasons I really like the idea is that this is something we can bond over. I don’t have a lot of interest in video games or silly YouTube videos but we talk, plan, shop and cook together.

The first time we did this, we chose German. I made sauerbraten and fried cabbage and mashed potatoes and Aaron made strudel. I think that it was a big hit so we decided to do it again.

Aaron is vegan/vegetarian, depending on the month and so he tends to focus on the dessert. I work on the main courses. We choose Greek for some reason. This was supposed to happen two weeks ago, but when we came down with Covid, it got sidelined until we could dedicate the appropriate attention.

Here, I made the lamb meatballs, the orzo and the cucumber salad. He made the bread. He also made the Baklava.

Next week we have chosen Vietnamese likely followed by Indian. I haven’t decided on the my part of the menu yet. I like a good challenge so I am up for picking a direction and heading there. Maybe I will incorporate this into a weekly segment as well, it is something more than pictures of 2x4s and survival kits. Certainly food needs to have a higher profile than what it has gotten in the last year.

End Your Programming Routine: I struggle a little bit with both relating to my kids and supporting Aaron’s interest in baking because of the mess and the risks he takes without the skills. But, I think back to how bad of a cook that I was when I was his age and I need to let them try so that they will be able to have the skills when they get older. This seems like a low risk high, reward way to build our relationship and we have to do it anyway.

May 21, 2021 – 1984 2:3

May 21, 2021 /

Alright, so I tried it the other way and now I don’t know. What am I talking about? I read this chapter last night and while the details are fresh, I have really had time to analyze and think about what I read. But what the heck, let’s give it a whirl.

In this chapter, we get more of the details about how Winston’s relationship is working. I would call it the honeymoon phase as everything seems to be new and exciting. It talks about strategies to avoid detection and how they interracted.

It would seem like this chapter is light if you are just following along with the story. However, within the dialog some of the more hard-hitting points of the book are addressed. Certainly, I agree with the early ideas like without freedom, there is no real happiness. Those were just distractions to what Orwell is really getting to.

Motivation is Driven by Absence: Within the context of the dialog, Julia is talking about how a contented population is much less likely to want to rally to politics and aggression. I think that we have all heard the concept that hunger drives action. It is the same reason why the political dichotomy works.

Victory Without Clear Moral Justification is Empty: This was an interesting one. Winston talks about his opportunity to push his wife off a cliff. But as much as the idea appeals to him, he would never do it because there was nothing that circumstantially would have changed. Within Winston’s speculation, he would have been in the same position that he was in now.

These two things really strike a chord with me. This is what I was trying to write about on Monday, As much as I had what I wanted and proved that my ideas worked, it didn’t change my situation. My passion to prove what I was trying to do kept me going until it was complete. The emptiness of achieving what I set out to do and my situation not changing was too demoralizing. .

I suppose that it was in my deep subconscious, because I really didn’t put these things together fully until I started analyzing it a couple of weeks ago. I knew in my conscious brain that things were not going to change. I knew that I couldn’t gain anything with a victory lap and that it was only for personal satisfaction. But, I wanted the validation that my methods were viable.

Not being educated in psychology, it only seems intuitive that this is a process. Once we have achieved, we can now move on in our mental frame to the next idea or challenge. In my case, I felt trapped and dismayed. I didn’t want to expend the energy to look for a new job while I was working this time.

It is not yet clear to me how this information will drive my future goals. I will say that I can learn from it and try to be aware and not fall into the same traps. I guess that is a wonder in life is that our experiences make us who we are. Those that really analyze these waterfall events probably gain substantially from a personal standpoint.

Change Your Programming Routine: It is strange because I had no idea that this was going to be the result when I started writing this today. I guess that is the power of journaling. It organizes thoughts and forces connections to seemingly unrelated topics. I don’t think that I am trying to draw a relationship that doesn’t exist, it seems clear to me. I hope that I translated it adequately. Have a good weekend.

May 20, 2021 – ‘Tacticool’ Thursday

May 20, 2021 /

As I was trying to figure out what to write about today, I was cleaning up some miscellaneous stuff that I have drug out for various reasons. One was a tow strap that I loaned out a couple of weeks ago and the other was some ratchet straps that I was using to tighten the framing on my project. Both of those things belong in my vehicle kit which the contents were in a bit of disarray as a result.

Now, I should say that I used to carry this box around in my pick-up. When I moved to the Mustang, I took it out and never has it gone back permanently. It gets put back in for camping and hunting trips or if I have to grab and go to maybe help someone stuck. Truthfully, it is not much help if you don’t have it when you need it. But, I do make a point to carry some gear in each vehicle.

Vehicle preparedness gets some coverage, typically in the beginning of winter. Every couple of years, there seems to be a story about someone getting stuck with their vehicle for a couple of days. I really started considering the possibilities of being stuck with a vehicle about 15 years ago when a guy took a wrong turn and ended up freezing to death.

I did have one occasion where I did something kind of foolish and got my vehicle stuck in the woods. I left without saying where I was going and ended up getting my pickup stuck. My decision was to walk 12 miles out and eventually, I got some help. Mind you I was out of cell phone coverage, which is quite common when you get off of the paved roads here.

As with all topics in preparedness, it starts with what are we preparing for? In my case, I would say it is sort of a general preparedness. The categories I have made are getting stuck, mechanical problems, sheltering in place. I still do carry jumper cables and the like in the vehicle, but this box augments what I always carry. Lets take a deeper look at what is in here.

From the top, I see two wool blankets, a tarp, a fleece and a collapsible fishing pole (that is for fun mostly).

Things get a little more busy after the top layer. But from here there is a first aid kit, automotive tools, folding shovel, container with ratchet straps, tow strap, a spare jacket and then a bag containing who knows what. I think there are some matches, fire starter kit, cordage and other small things. I probably have a knife and multi-tool in there somewhere too.

I suppose the number one (and two) thing that is not in here is food and water. My original idea for that was to carry a separate bag, sometimes called a ‘get home’ bag where I would always have it with me. Because of temperature extremes and perishability, I wouldn’t want to leave that stuff in the car for an extended period of time.

One of the reasons that I haven’t put this back in my vehicle is that I realized having all of the tools in the world isn’t helpful if you also need parts. Sure, there are some field repairs that could be done but you have to have some knowledge about that stuff too. Other reasons include it is bulky and heavy and I don’t have a good way to secure it (to keep from being stolen). I needed my extra cab space for passengers at this point and it is too cumbersome to put in and take out all the time.

I will say that when I carried it, I probably got into it every month or so, mostly for tools. Despite not routinely carrying this box, items that are always in the car are a flashlight, a 110 voltage inverter, spare charge cords, small notebook with pens and tire gauge, flares, space blankets equal to the max number of passengers, fire extinguisher and a couple of tools.

Change Your Programming Routine: I have to say, it is not likely that this is going to back in the car full time. But the exercise is definitely valuable from a mental standpoint. I helps you visualize the possibilities and how you would adapt by what you have or not.

May 19, 2021 – Covid Day 14

May 19, 2021 /

I am calling it. It has been fourteen days since my symptoms first appeared and I am about 98% over it. My personal experience with Covid is that it has been way overblown and people have been scared, hyped and programmed by the experience.

This post is going to be an opinion based on my personal experience. I fully admit that not everyone had the same experience as I did. I know people that were hospitalized last year and were on a ventilator for a week. That being said, never let a good crisis go to waste. Here s a day to day description

  • May 6, 2021- A increase in mucus, increased swallowing and the feel like something is stuck in the throat
  • May 7, 2021- A repeat of the previous day with a slight increase
  • May 8, 2021- Body aches and a mild fever. I measured 99.6 degrees F three different times in the day
  • May 9, 2021- Continued body aches but no measurable fever. This was the day that I took my test
  • May 10, 2021- The aches were decreased and my sinus increased, feeling better
  • May 11, 2021- Full congestion. I got a positive Covid result today.
  • May 12, 2021- Adding running nose, plus I also went to bed after work and slept all night
  • May 13, 2021- Still congested, nose not running anymore. Went to bed at 7pm.
  • May 14, 2021- Congestion decreases significantly. Feeling like I am on the downside.
  • May 15, 2021 – Congested, feeling like I have been sick this week but definitely feeling like it is almost over
  • May 16, 2021- Everything is basically normal minus the congestion but I can breathe through my nose.
  • May 17, 2021 – Full energy, still congested
  • May 18, 2021 – Still congested
  • May 19, 2021 – Still congested

By my account, it seems like that is pretty mild. Contrast this to the last time I got sick in February 2020. I had several days of fever (starting on Valentines Day). In about a week, I developed a cough, which I never really had with Covid. The cough was so severe, that I could not sleep. I spent at least three nights on the couch to get away from everyone and to sit upright which helped. I probably got ten hours of sleep on those three days.

This has been one of my most mild sicknesses that I can remember. It could be that because of all the things we have heard about Covid that I was prepared for the worse. But, I think that it could be that this was really overblown. The hype cycle began much the same as H1N1 Bird Flu or H1N6 Swine Flu. The difference with this one is that people started getting tested and positive results. It used to be said that it wasn’t worth the cost or the time to test for influenza.

Once positive results were reported, there was a wave of paranoia and hypocondrianism set in. I have observed it on multiple occasions with my recent experience. I wanted to get tested and get a positive result so I could definitively say that this whole year has been a giant brainwashing activity. And I think that my experience is proof as such.

It has never been about Covid, but developing pneumonia as a result. Pneumonia can come from a variety of sources including influenza as well and it has always been an underreported killer, especially of old and frail people. The sad thing is that the world will never be the same. Cancel culture driven by ‘Karens’ has shamed people into wearing masks for something that has always been around and always will be.

The celebration of the ‘Vaccinated’ and the fallacy of getting back to normal is another delusion. The fact that you can now feel good about not wearing a mask outside if you have been vaccinated is BS. My wife, who was vaccinated was the one who got this first. You just cannot make this up. Remember that we only needed two weeks so that we can flatten the curve? By my math, that was over fourteen months ago and we are still locked down.

Maybe you can tell that I am worked up. I guess that I am upset that people are so gullible and lack the capability to assess the facts. More so, I don’t think that they are even looking for facts but feeling and reacting to information that someone else is saying. Gone are the days that people are skeptical of new information; it seems as though if the source came from our camp of belief then that is vetted information.

End Your Programming Routine: I am going to be ending this here. I know that if you are reading this, you probably agree with me or maybe you stumbled on this and are triggered. In the end, I don’t care how you believe, just able to justify it with facts. Maybe if someone creates a compelling argument, I will change my opinion. Right now, I am seeing a serious lack of critical thinking and analysis.

May 18, 2021 – Framing Basics, Planning for the End

May 18, 2021 /

After yesterday’s heavy self reflection, today we are going back to skills. I had fully intended to get through framing in one shot, but I got a little too wrapped up in pressure treated and the foundation part that I realized this was going to be too much for one post.

In this post, I am going to talk about the little details that will make a huge difference in the outcome of the overall product. So let us get into it. First of all lumber selection and conventional wisdom. Framing an exterior wall would be 2×6 studs and framing that is 16″ on center. This allows for the correct width and thickness of insulation, door openings would fit prehung doors properly and building materials are measured in these types of increments. A 4×8 sheet of drywall will fit perfectly when framed in this convention for instance.

Interior walls are commonly framed using 2×4 walls with 16″ on center. Sixteen inches on center means that the center of one stud is 16″ from the center of the next stud.

With the price of lumber, I examined a lesser used technique of framing 24″ on center. This amount of spacing is often used for sheds, outbuildings and value structures. But my number one goal was comfort. And unfortunately, the cost of 23″ width insulation was five times what it costs of 15″ insulation so the cost proposition was twice as expensive to frame in that manner even though it would have saved about a quarter of the lumber.

Another cost saving technique I did exploit is to use ‘Utility’ grade 2x4s. I found at a local bargain building materials store, I could buy Utility grade 2x4x8 for $5 a board whereas a stud grade (#2 or better) was $7.43. Now, this is not a load bearing structure and I am only using one face. But If I were needing two faces of the 2×4, I would want to be a little more picky. Below is a typical Utility stud.

When building new walls in an old structure, you have to account for non level surfaces. That means that each stud is nailed in place with a technique called toe-nailing or nailing at an angle into the bottom plate. In my back wall, there is about 1/2″ slope from the middle of the wall to the corner. The stud length varies across the run of the wall.

I used both techniques where possible. The traditional nailing through the wood on a flat surface is on the left and toenailing is on the right.

Also, there are some tricks to framing so that you have places to attach the inner surfaces like drywall and sheathing. The picture below shows some extra surfaces to attach drywall.

End Your Programming Routine: Trust me, I have gotten to the point where I am trying to hang drywall in space because I hadn’t learned to think ahead yet. Planning with the end in mind will help tremendously when it comes to cost or efficiency and even the best possible outcome.

May 17, 2021 – The Best/Worst Things

May 17, 2021 /

This is something I have been thinking about for a long time, years in fact. I don’t think that I have completely reconciled until now. I think sometimes you don’t do it until you are forced to make a conclusion. And once that happens, you can keep challenging your conclusion against the evidence.

What is this all about? Well, for a long time at least professionally, I have been interested in doing my part to make the environment better. I get frustrated when the organization does things that don’t make sense or are repetitive. I think that has partially been responsible for me quickly advancing and eventually getting to the point where I end up running my own department. Here is where the best/worst comes in.

In my very first job, I was asked to go to South Carolina to help get a new plant get up and running. They needed someone with some personal discipline to establish the new quality system that a customer was asking to implement. They also wanted some help with maintenance of the computer and controls system. I said yes.

I was starting from ground zero, there were absolutely no expectations and no real plan other than the loose objectives that I was given. I started inventing things to do and ways that I could be helpful and contribute to the overall output. When the fruits of my labor starting paying dividends, I started working on things that I wanted to do. I built cabinets for the lab, I participated in the construction of new space, I learned how to run data cable and I ran new drops every time we needed one. I basically did whatever I wanted to do.

But, because I was successful I started having difficulty with being around others that were not doing as well. It frustrated me that I would work 60 hours a week and others not only worked less but also failed at the tasks they were doing. It felt like I had to do everything I wanted to see it done right. I am being a little coy but for instance my department took over formulating because Quality would always end up having to adjust it in the end.

I got to the point where I needed to make a change even though it would seem like I could do whatever I wanted. I later came to believe that a change was necessary because I just wouldn’t stop. I might have worked myself to death if I was allowed to. I needed to learn how to say no and let people fail, even if it meant that I was going to fail as well.

After a rebound job, I started at a new place. We had chemistry and shared the same spirit at least for the first four years. I built a lot of social capitol within my own office. Then, we were acquired by another company and I was skeptical. Then, I started working with the new people and I was miserable. After three years I got a chance to run my own group out of my office. The first couple of years were great, I again did what I wanted and built and ran my team the way that I wanted to until it became a growing concern within the office.

Management started wanting to help me out and add more things to my group. That included hiring someone to oversee and mentor me. It turned out that person wanted to fundamentally transform my group and I was no longer running it. I suppose what I considered the worst was there were so many problem areas within the company that this was the one that they chose to address, the one that was running the best. I couldn’t take it.

I suppose a bigger man would have tried to get the best out of the situation and I choose to just give up. In my heart of hearts, I knew that no matter what, I wasn’t going to be happy even if things returned to normal. So, here I am with two situations where I was at time completely happy with the circumstances but yet utterly miserable. What is there to learn from that?

How can it be that you get exactly what you want and it makes you hate it at the same time? Is it the pursuit that makes us happy or is the idea or something else? This is the hard part because now I have to figure out what it actually means. My hypothesis is that these circumstances are more of a destiny fulfilled and time to move on. Maybe said another way, when you get what you think you want, you find out that really isn’t what you thought you wanted.

To be clear, I never thought my future was to be a middle manager. I do know that a lot of my assumptions and ideas were validated through the process. Despite the fact that I am confident in the results, it is a hollow victory to be right and validated. It is probable that when someone was driven by spite, there is no satisfaction in completion.

I told my boss numerous times before I quit and even after that he didn’t need me to run the group but he kept insisting that he did. Unfortunately within four months after I left, the entire group was disbanded because over half the group quit, following me leaving. It wasn’t me that was necessary to keep the group together, it was the fact that they fundamentally didn’t understand how to work with and within the group. And to get down to brass tacks, that was the very reason why I wasn’t happy either.

In retrospect, I feel like I should have quit several years before I did. But, then I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to learn what I did from those extra years. To top it off, I am still not sure what I am supposed to be when I grow up. For sure, I am going to keep looking for the answers and hope to not repeat the same mistakes.

End Your Programming Routine: What are we supposed to learn from all this rambling? I suppose that what I would like to get across is to consider your experiences and look for meaning and try to make it better for the next time. Right now, I see myself tracking into the same lanes that I was in before, and I don’t really want to do it again. So, hopefully, it is not too late to avoid a similar kind of fate as some of my previous jobs.