Category: Philosophy

April 30, 2024 – My Life As a Country Song

April 30, 2024 / / 0 Comments

No, my wife didn’t run off and my dog didn’t die. But, last week was a different kind of tough. The week before, I was dealing with the side effects of chemo and being a full time caretaker. But, we were mostly at home and sheltering in place. Last week as there was more getting out and about, it seemed like everything was going wrong.

My wife likes to say that I am ‘a glass half empty’ person. I don’t really think so. I like to think of myself as analytical and balanced. I like to see the full spectrum both good and bad. I suppose that to people who don’t like to see both sides, that is construed as negative. I fail to see how always being positive even when the odds seem low is a better trait that viewing the whole picture optimistically.

I say that because I am not complaining. I am going to get to a point by the end today. I think helpful advice is that we cannot change or dwell in the facts. My wife has cancer and we are doing what we can to combat it. All the ‘why me?’ in the world isn’t going to change a thing. It does however make life much more complicated.

This process is moving at an extremely disjointed manner. One day chemo is scheduled every other Thursday, then it is every other Friday. Take this medication before chemo, no don’t take it at all. Come in for this reason, no see this specialist. They are still doing diagnostic testing for goodness sake to determine if they are proceeding in the correct direction. Every conversation is musical chairs in who is running this process and is this information actually correct. This is the background for what I am dealing with.

Then, my son calls and says ‘my car has a problem’. He is about 45 minutes away. So, I have to drop what I am doing to go get him at 10pm. Due to a large coolant leak, I decide the best coarse of action is to have it towed home rather than risk a warped cylinder head. Imagine that I am trying to get my wife ready for an all day procedure that she is extremely nervous about while dealing with the tow truck driver at the same time because the car is locked and twenty minutes from the hospital.

The next day, my SSL certificate updates for altf4.co. Every 60 days this happens. But, it also follows with calamity. It seems like every time I go in there the user interface changes and I struggle with this process. I have come to anticipate the suck, but it does make it frustrating. This time I could not get the DNS provider to recognize my security documents. I tried and tried until I finally broke down and reached out to support. The problem was technical, I am not sure that there was anything I could do.

I was trying to setup my walkie talkies so that I could give one to my wife and I could hold onto one. This would give me some freedom to be out and about the house but still be in communication. This was the whole reason why I went through the licensing requirements that I talked about last week. One of them I couldn’t get to work. I bought new battery packs, I swapped batteries, no go. Finally, I took it apart to find some of the internal components fried.

No problem, I will break out my second set. They are not doing any good squirreled away in my emergency box for years anyway. One battery was dying, so I ordered new battery packs. Low and behold, there are a lot of aftermarket batteries that are similar but not the same on Amazon (even with the same battery model number). So, now I have two new batteries that don’t charge in my radios since I already opened them and threw away the packaging.

Last week it felt like everything was an obstacle. Everything I did had unintended consequences and nothing worked as planned. But, I want to go back to the beginning here. First, I don’t know what God has planned. I also know that I am handed scenarios that I can handle and learn from. As I am writing, things are getting better. My website is running, the batteries are cleared up, the problem is diagnosed with my son’s car and I think we have all the testing done and the path is clear on chemo.

More so than that, when things are not working right we just have to compartmentalize and be objective. Most of these things were not life altering problems. Take the problems and triage, then prioritize the work to solutions. The list might get longer before it gets shorter but we have to focus on the important things first.

End Your Programming Routine: To be truthful, I wasn’t exactly happy while all of these things were going on at the same time. But, being able to step back, it wasn’t huge problems. I suppose it is fortunate that more bad things didn’t keep happening at the same time. Mostly, step back and analyze the problems to the best of your ability. I am no electronics expert but I can see and understand burnt capacitors, Time to cut your losses and move on.

March 21, 2024 – Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)

March 21, 2024 /

I have been incredibly blessed in my life. But I don’t really appreciate it. I have had some perspective to be able to see the mirror but it is so hard to grasp it. For instance, I have never broken a bone. I have never been admitted to the emergency room, I don’t take any maintenance medicines and I don’t need glasses to see.

For some strange reason, I hear songs in my head. I was thinking about titling this something like ‘You cant lose what you never had’ and then this song came into my mind. I started listening and writing.

This started out as a story about my vision. I went to the eye doctor recently because my vision seems to be rapidly getting worse. Now, I go to the eye doctor a lot because both of my parents have glaucoma and I have been ‘glaucoma suspect’ for all of my life. In fact, I gave my son that gift as well.

It is not the effects of glaucoma that I am suffering, it is the effects of age. I am comfortable with the monitoring that is happening and all of my numbers are stable. I was buying spray paint in the fall and I was trying to read the label for the coverage area in a can. I could not read the text. I finally gave up and bought two cans.

The other night, my wife asked me to read the tag on a piece of clothing. I couldn’t make out the letters. It looked like a jumbled mass. My son said, “it’s upside down.” Well no wonder, but I didn’t recognize it.

My vision is generally good. I don’t really need glasses to see. They help a lot in low light and small text up close. I have had glasses for several years that I try to wear when I work. But, I have been very poor about doing it religiously. Last week, I noticed at the end of the day I was worn out, like I just wanted a nap. I thought it was just me sitting in front of the computer all day, but it turns out that when I didn’t have my glasses on I would end the day fatigued.

I am going to have a lot to say about this topic coming up in the near future, just not today. But, having been a spouse to person having life-threatening medical issues, it makes a person realize that we don’t appreciate health when we have it. I don’t carry my glasses to the store to read labels because I never needed to before. It was actually a shock that I couldn’t read the writing. I didn’t know what to do.

It is hard for me to write with this perspective, because I don’t really have it. But, lots of people have glasses. I feel like, if your vision has been bad for all of your life, you don’t give it a second thought that vision correction is necessary to function. When you have never needed it, it is kind of humbling to realize that you are at that point.

End Your Programming Routine: Health is one of those few areas that most of us have a similar journey. Unless you are taken out in an accident or something pre-maturely, we are all going to have issues that we have never had before. I would like to find a way to appreciate those things without having to lose them. I just don’t know if it is in our nature. Maybe the way we appreciate it is that we don’t have to worry about it?

March 13, 2024 – Believe It Or Not, Spring Is Coming

March 13, 2024 /

Have you ever been to Yellowstone and seen Old Faithful? Do you know how this process works? As soon as the geyser blows, it starts to fill up again. Then the water starts to heat up again until about 90 minutes later there is too much pressure and it blows. It is not totally predictable, but it happens about the same time, every time. But for over an hour, it seems like nothing is happening, meanwhile everything is getting ready for the main event.

When your whole life revolves around gardening or the seasons then this is probably second nature. We have already made the shift to daylight savings time again. The photo below was taken around the first of March following the previous weekend that was in the 60s and sunny all week. Many trees and bushes are starting their bud around here yet I wont argue that March has been more like winter than February was.

My point is, spring is coming, I just can’t see it yet. Even more important than that, we can’t get complacent that just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it is not around the corner. There is a very short window between too early and too late and it is this time that is critical for being prepared for that window.

I get trapped in this loop of I have to be done by six or eight weeks before last frost date. For me, that is late April. But, I also want to wrap up the winter work before that time. On years where I have really focused on the garden, most things ceased at that point. This was to the point that projects that only had a couple of hours left languished until the fall. Other years I did not finish my winter projects by June.

The trick is knowing when exactly to transition. But what is worse is convincing yourself that there is plenty of time (in either direction). We all have priorities and decisions to make. And so, I am not second guessing my choices but simply bringing awareness to myself and others that letting off the gas now is too early.

I love the quote by Earnest Hemmingway about bankruptcy, “Slowly than rapidly”. Children are born then they graduate. I graduate from school and now I am middle age. We have freedom until we don’t. It is all the things we do in the slow time that makes a difference.

When I watch This Old House, I have come to understand that footings need to be over four feet deep in the building as best practice in New England. This is the because the ground in that area can freeze down to four feet and as the ground freezes and thaws, that ground moves. That movement is described as heave. Heave moves the building up and down as well as breaks concrete foundations and slabs. We don’t build to that degree of detail here, that is a whole different story. My point is spending time on the details that aren’t seen are critical for the parts that are seen.

End Your Programming Routine: Just like Hemmingway said, spring is coming slowly than rapidly. And just like Old Faithful, it is going to explode in roughly 90 minutes. So those freak winter breaks of nice weather lull us into the pseudo belief that spring is here followed by a just as long winter reminder convincing us it will never come. Just keep going with your pace and trust that it will happen.

March 7, 2024 – Say It To Make It Happen

March 7, 2024 /

I started off the week talking about how little I feel like I have accomplished this winter. The truth is, at that point I had a lot of irons in the fire and for quite some time. I didn’t have dedicated time scheduled to do any of the work and it seemed like each project was dragging on.

Wouldn’t you know that the log jam has broken. I finished my third duct. I have one more to go and it is a partial installation. It is still not done-done but the momentum is there as well as the desire. I was dreading the rewiring and the unknown. I also knew that once I started, I was committed and there were also limited stopping points. In addition to that, I brewed my next batch of beer. I went to the range for the first time in months. I did it all while weaving all my other obligations in at the same time.

I didn’t say those things to get me motivated. But, somehow by putting them front of mind, I found a way to push to the end. This is a technique that is very helpful when you want to get stuff done. It is one of the values of using a list. This puts tasks front and center of what needs to get done.

There is a psychological satisfaction of crossing things off the list for sure. But, the real value of the list comes down to the ability to triage and prioritize. Priority comes down the the time and resources we have, external deadlines and the desire to do it. The last one is subjective and can have a strong influence for me. My desire to do something my not outweigh the consequences of penalties on external deadlines.

That is all good and well but really I am talking about the power of committing to doing something. It is what makes ultra-marathoners complete the race, the person getting out of debt or the someone learn a new language. They put the goal first of mind and then develop habits around it.

If I were to say, ‘I’m going to get in shape’. Then I am going to evaluate my diet and my physical exertion. I am not going to get in shape if I do not make changes to support at least one of those two parameters. Each one of those things will have sub-steps and challenges unto their own.

Even if I change diet and add exercise, I still may not get into shape. I will be in a better position for sure, but to be in shape I need to do those steps with intent. Maybe to you in-shape means to finish a 5K or maybe it means finishing a 5K under 15 minutes. You need explicit benchmark goals to correctly evaluate whether you are on the right path.

Putting the goal of getting in shape front of mind means that I will have to research recipes or purchase food that in not described as cheese puffs. I means that I will have to dedicate some time a day or week to exercise. That has to become part of my calendar or schedule when planning other things. Or said another way, it has to become front of mind.

End Your Programming Routine: Mastering this is not easy. I haven’t done so. I also find that the older I get the more susceptible I am to desire. I desire not to do that so I pay someone to mow the grass. We all have these conflicts. The real secret is harnessing the time and resources we do have on the things that are important for us to do. Those are the things that we need to keep front of mind.

February 22, 2024 – Good Luck Buddy

February 22, 2024 /

We are at the culmination of high school wrestling season. Today starts the state tournament for those good enough to make it. I have been away from wrestling for a long time. The last time I dipped my toe in it was youth mat club when I accompanied my son for a season. It became pretty clear that this wasn’t going to be his sport and so I drifted away.

My brother and I were into it in high school. He has remained active, in fact he is a head coach at a local high school. My nephew and my son are three weeks apart. He started school a year later than my son so that makes him a junior this year. But, he stayed in youth wrestling and is now reaping the rewards of that. A third district title and a 34-4 record looking to make a mark in the state tournament.

There are very few sports where getting started early pays as many dividends as wrestling. Most of the state champions that I have followed have been devoted youth club participants all the way through their career. Wrestling involves strength, quickness, stamina and technique. Show me someone that has continuous participation and you won’t find them out of shape.

When I was a wrestler, I started out late. I actually did it because I heard that it was hard, physically. I was a sophomore in high school and started in the 165lb weight class. I remember the day that I decided, I was wearing a ‘professional couch potato’ t-shirt. I wrestled on the Freshman team and didn’t win a match, not even close. In fact, I got pinned in about 20 seconds in my first match.

I wasn’t discouraged. I was doing this for me but to see how much I could push myself. I don’t remember how I did when I was Junior, I think that I was pretty bad that year as well. But I decided that I was going to push myself my senior year. Instead of just wrestling, I ran cross country in the fall. I went from one of the slowest running wrestlers to one of the fastest.

I was in shape wrestling between the 142 and 136 weight classes comfortably, I developed a never quit attitude. I still couldn’t beat the kids that had five years of experience over me. I was physically tougher but less skilled. And despite all of my efforts my senior year, I didn’t wrestle a single varsity match. I don’t consider that a failure, I simply ran out of time.

I pestered my brother for the wrestling schedule at Christmas time. He finally sent me the schedule with one dual left to go, so I went to support my nephew. My nephew won his match by pin, one two team wins in a 69-9 blowout. My wife really wanted to go to districts so we made the day of it and watched my nephew win his weight class in districts, now it is on to state.

In today’s world, I think too much emphasis is placed on putting kids in club sports. Travelling basketball, volleyball, baseball cost thousands of dollars and precious time on kids that likely have no future beyond high school. In fact, there were a few years I was questioning who wanted to wrestle more, my nephew or his parents. They claimed that it was his decision, they were just making him finish his commitment.

Some are going to go on. My nephew claims he wants to wrestle in college and winning a state title as a junior would help a lot. As long as the kid is happy and everybody loves it, I am fine with that. It has been a huge commitment in their lives.

End Your Programming Routine: We all do for our kids what we hope is the best path. I have zero interest in participating in Chess in the Park but there is no denying that it requires my enablement to fully make it happen. Wrestling was really important in my life not for what I did but for what it did for me. My mindset moved from that is too hard to try to I can do anything I set my mind to. That was invaluable to me.

December 12, 2023 – Using Our Gifts

December 12, 2023 /

If you listened to my podcast on Wednesday last week then you would know that there has been tragedy in the extended family. I still don’t know many details and if or when I do, I am not sure that I am going to reveal them here. Today is not about that but because of that.

Now, a quick timeline of events for context. November 28th (Monday) I finished work and had a doctor’s appointment. I went up to remind my wife and she asked me to pick up our niece from elementary school. Her daycare was closing early because of an accident to her child. The next day, I only worked a few hours because it was my grandmother’s funeral. My wife stayed back with her family. I called in late afternoon to check-in, I was going to go out to eat with my family after all of the services. My wife said ‘It is bad… really bad. He didn’t make it, in fact it wasn’t an accident but he was shot to death.’

By the time I came home from dinner, my wife was drinking with her cousin. This one event spun her into an emotional free for all. I would say that she was paralyzed by sadness and empathy for the remainder of the week. I don’t know why God made her the way that he did. I also don’t know why God made me the way that I did. I felt dull and detached but I couldn’t empathize with paralyzing grief,

I am no good in these situations. I could be the one delivering the news in a non-emotional manner, not the one comforting people that are nearly out of their minds. I don’t know what to say. Is it appropriate to touch? Should I converse or stay aloof? What if I say the wrong thing? I have no problem with small talk, but I feel like this is not the place or situation for such things. I just don’t know, you might say that I am paralyzed by human interaction.

I do know that God gave me the gift of action though. I took action on building a roadside cross. It is now painted white and waiting until we are informed of the actual site (that information is being withheld as part of the investigation). I wanted a wood that would last as close as forever so I had a cedar railing post that I have held onto for 15 years.

I did all the joinery and built it with care. I don’t want anyone thinking that I didn’t put my full talent and energy into my form of contribution. I filled the gaps and sanded it smooth. I wanted the cross to be as perfect as I could make it. Finally, I spray painted and painted and painted some more until the surface was glossy smooth.

End Your Programming Routine: God made us different so that we could be the best at whatever gift he gave us. I am not the worlds best woodworker but I also could focus on building this piece of peace without the emotional torment that others had. And I suppose that if we were all the comforting type, who would be there to build the cross? So, I will end where I started. I don’t know why I am the way I am but I hope that the way I am can bring it’s own comfort.

June 28, 2023 – Happy 25th Anniversary to Us

June 28, 2023 /

In 1998, it was hard to imagine what 25 years in the future would look like. Did I have an inkling of all the hills and valleys in the journey? I mean, everyone has their own versions of perspective. My struggles are just molehills compared to others while my celebrations may seem pedantic. Today I am blessed to celebrate my 25 year wedding anniversary.

I picked this song as one of the descriptions of our courting and early marriage. I always thought that it was a perfect story for her, but I didn’t quite get the mirror that I was holding up. She is such a passionate person that I could feel the hurt and blessing that not following paths would lead. But you know that when looking at something in the mirror, it is always the opposite of what you are seeing in the glass.

Early in the Bible, in fact Genesis 2 says: “23And the man said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of man she was taken.” 24For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. “

Last year was my ‘come to Jesus moment’, literally. I don’t just believe in parts of the bible, but the whole thing. Exodus 20:12 says “Honor your father and mother.” How can I obey the Lord’s commandments but side with my wife? I am referencing the whole familial struggle of my mother-in-law dying and having to kick her out of my property last summer. That is not honor.

When it comes right down to things, I always thought that there would be me and us. We can be our own individuals for part of the day and then come together daily (or whatever the frequency). Maybe I am dense but that is how I saw my happy ever after. As long as I deferred things I wanted to do to prioritize us or made time each day, then I would be good. I still didn’t take in the one flesh part of the equation.

The other thing that I really struggle with is the situation where I think it is fine but the other person does not. That plays to my advantage in many cases. It allows me to pursue what I consider the proper course of actions in business or morality. That being said, it doesn’t come without consequences. And those consequences are strong when we are trying to act as one flesh. What happens when I believe one way as an individual but another as a married partner?

You know what? Prayer is the answer. I prayed hard about how to handle supporting my wife by severing the relationship with my mother-in-law. I wanted to do it badly, but I didn’t want to intentionally break a commandment. I think that the answer is really the first part of verse 24. “…Man will leave his father and mother…”. It is not the act of leaving to jump from one situation to the next but that they will actually transform into one by commitment to each other. God told me that I needed to support my wife.

Clearly, I still struggle with my individualism. It is not something that changes overnight. Left to my own devices, I could be very happy with me and us. But, I am not living in my bubble. To my wife’s credit, she is the one that is the fighter. I would say that she starts most of the fights, but she also finishes them.

In a short 25 years, she has battled exotic, fatal diseases, built a respected career and mostly raised two boys and severely impacted the lives of others raising kids that are not ours. Through all of it there was love. What right do I have to want to be myself? And more so than that, what right do I have to not be one with a god driven person? The answer is none.

Since I am not am clearly not a romantic, I want to say that I appreciate and value the things that I am not. While I don’t want to be a romantic, my wife does. We are Yin and Yang which makes many things extremely difficult. Even simple decisions like what to make for dinner can sometimes be painful. I have learned that each one of these encounters are a way to practice being one. I am often not successful or good at it, but I get to try again.

Marriage is hard and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is not hard as in physically hard or even mentally hard. It is hard because to be serious and godly you have to give up the person that you thought you were in that transformation to be one. It is a huge leap of faith to leave behind what you know is right to go in a direction that you are tentative at best.

At such a young age, you can tolerate anything for a number of years, like school. I am not trying to get existential but forever is forever. When the calendar moves past ten years, the realization that those little things aren’t going to change and they start to move from annoying to resentment. It takes work to change those things. Both with your partner and yourself. That is hard. That is ending your programming.

I know that is sounds like I am mostly glass half full here. Despite that, I am trying to convey that this is a two way street and I use half of it. So while I have talked about the challenges, there were many a good time. We actually do pretty well together when it is just us on a getaway or us against the world.

End Your Programming Routine: In the song, Garth prays for one thing but got another because God knows what we need even if we do not. I got a free spirited, social and empathetic person because those are all the things I am not. I also got a loving, forgiving and patient person. Guess what… not those either. We will all have to wait until the end of our song but “I guess God knows what he is doing afterall”.

June 6, 2023 – Success, After Several Years of Effort

June 6, 2023 /

If you spend time in the woods, you hear about things that are interesting or unique. And being in the woods, they can be difficult to nearly impossible to find. This is particularly true in western Oregon where there is a patchwork of private timberland, US Forest Service and Bureau of Land Management parcels.

The reason being is that road numbers can change depending on who owns the road, signs often get vandalized as well. We have little to no cell phone coverage and GPS coverage is even compromised due to tall trees and land obstructions. Add to that, some companies believe that access is by permission only and gate roads. So you can start out on a public road only to be blocked by a gate.

What I am saying is that it is difficult to get paper directions and it is no guarantee to use electronic directions. So, if you don’t know where you are going you will be hard pressed to get there. About ten years ago, we went on a trek to find ‘Valley of the Giants‘. It is a long story, but we would not have made it but for talking with some people that we met out in the woods who drove us there.

Memorial Day, I finally made it to South Lake. It started two years ago I was hunting and I saw a sign for the lake. I tried to find it when I was driving around. I assumed that it if I followed the main road, I would get there only to be blocked by a gate. I tried several different side roads to be blocked by impassible road conditions. But, as I talked with people it seemed everyone knew how to get there.

When we had our first real nice weekend in May, I tried to go there using Waze. I tried two different approaches that were blocked with snow. I talked with my neighbor a few weeks later and he said that all the roads were snow free. So now it wasn’t an adventure it was a mission.

When we got there we found a real gem. It is called a dispersed camping area but it really means that there is an outhouse and a some roughly marked camping sites. It does not have things like running water or tables at the sites, but it is also free. I didn’t even know that such things existed. Even the super remote BLM sites are ten dollars a night.

This being a holiday weekend, it was somewhat crowded. I talked to some people that had some car problems (two flat tires, not a good place to happen). I offered them what I could which was a can of Fix-a-Flat and they indicated that there was probably 30 people camping over the weekend.

Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife stocks this lake. This often times makes the endeavor easier because the fish are used to being fed and are not wiley of many natural hazards. It also makes it a little more guilt free, it is the purpose of these fish to get caught. We fished for five hours or so and caught a few fish. We also lost some fish and we had a lot of strikes. It was fun.

I think the most amazing part of the day was a pair of bald eagles chasing each other around and helping themselves to fish in the lake. I blew my mind to hear the feathers fluttering as they attacked the water. I don’t know of any comparison of the sound other than a swooshing dive bomb.

End Your Programming Routine: South Lake has a sister called, you guessed it North Lake. I have heard that it is smaller and more remote. I have also heard that as a result the fish are bigger. Now, this is my next quest. Not only with my summer projects, I have fishing on the brain. I hope that I can find time to get some of both in. I love the adventure, I love the fact that we caught some fish and it is good family time too.

June 1, 2023 – It Happened to Me… My Mind is Blown

June 1, 2023 /

You hear about these things and I guess you never fully understand it until it happens to you. Recently, I was half listening to a podcast and the term ‘philomath’ came up. They pronounced it like ‘phyllo math’ and they proclaimed that it was a combination of two Greek words that mean love of learning.

I was born in Corvallis Oregon. About five miles to the west is the town of Philomath Oregon (we pronounce it as fil-lo-math). It was the town that you drove through on the way to the coast. It was known as a timber town that the police liked to issue speeding tickets (because there was no reason to stop). It was also known as a town that has an endowment for any graduating senior to get a full scholarship to Oregon Statue University. It has since been modified to any student that want’s to study Forestry at OSU.

In the last twenty years, the town’s growth has been significant. Despite the fact that most of the mills were shuttered in the 1990s, population is rapidly growing. The reason is that the land cost and tax structure are significantly advantageous to living in nearby Corvallis.

Back in my day… my impression of Philomath was a redneck town. There were logger taverns and run down buildings. This was the definition of working class, mill town that you wouldn’t want to be after dark, if you weren’t from there. Of course that was my ignorance, I have no idea if that is actually true but I am painting an impression of my feelings.

There was a tavern called The Woodsman which used to be the first thing you see as you enter town from the west. I have never been there but I am pretty sure this was one of those places that was open as long as it was legal (7a-2a in Oregon) and served my regional favorite beers like Rainier, Olympia, Blitz-Wienhard and Hamm’s. A little over twenty years ago it became a locally regarded Thai restaurant.

I had always assumed that the name was native American. There are so many names that are like Tillamook, Alsea, Siletz, Neskowin, Calapooia or Willamette to name a few. I just told you that we never stopped (so I never read the sign in the picture). When they were talking about it on the podcast I realized what I thought I knew was nothing of the sorts. It is actually of Greek origin, not native.

I consider myself a critical thinker. I make efforts to analyze information and make a rational decision from my analysis. I suppose that doesn’t apply to things that you always knew as true. What’s even worse is that there is a sign describing the name in the middle of town. The information is publicly visible and has been my whole life, I have never looked at it.

This happens to be a simple issue that really doesn’t matter. This could be why I was open to evaluating it and realizing my error. I think the danger is for items that are highly charged and the actual data is suspect. Those things that we always knew, supported by lies lead us to false realities.

The human mind is a funny thing. When I was taking criminology class I learned that one of the reasons suspects/witnesses are separated is because one individual can influence another and people can ‘remember’ things that they did not see. We want the story as unbiased as possible looking for inconsistencies between the individual stories. Someone will compile all the different stories into a theory and then potentially test that theory in court.

End Your Programming Routine: I am not saying that I am a great man or a great mind. People have fallibilities and that is a fact. Of course some are more flawed than others and it is a matter of perspective on what is worse or not. This is our inherent human bias. My whole point is be careful of what you know to be true because you might just find out you were wrong all along.

May 10, 2023 – Stop and Smell the Oregon Grape?

May 10, 2023 /

Did you know that the state flower is the Oregon Grape? It puts on some small fruit about the size of a current or elderberry. I have never tasted it, I think it is more herblike or something that is probably used in very small quantities. The truth is, I have only ever seen it in planting strips and never in the wild. I didn’t realize that it actually flowers, but knowing that it fruits, it only makes sense.

You might say that my writing is themed lately. Some might say a broken record and others might say desperate or even whiny. But, life is busy. I can’t help that it feels like our schedule is a crushing weight. So, I have to find the silver linings in things. Today is one of them.

I suppose that you can say this is a different take on adventure that I wrote about last week. My wife says that I am glass half full. Which means that when I end up helping out by babysitting, my first reaction is all the things that I cant do. I know in my heart that what I am doing is the right thing to do which is why I hesitantly commit to doing it. I don’t know why I am wired this way, it just is the way that it is.

The saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” is so true. It means make the best of a sub-optimal situation or even do something better with it. To me, giving up a day to entertain a five year old is a precious commitment. With a barn-burning schedule during the week I need some space to just be me.

Back when my wife and I were younger and we talked about a family, we were seriously considering having four kids. God had a different plan for us and circumstances dictated that we had two. Now that my kids are nearly adult age, I am entering my post child phase. I can see why older parents are much more laid back about kids because they know that you provide a safe and solid foundation and the rest will take care of itself.

Some kids are going to embrace and thrive in the freedom while others are going to take a while longer. I don’t think any any amount of baby sign language or pre-primary music/sports lessons are going to change that. Those things prove to the parents that they are committed to do what it takes to make their child successful, but nobody else. I do think that when parents are confident, so are the children but I am already way off track from where I want to go today.

When I commit to babysitting, I try to think outside the box. What have I been wanting to do but haven’t taken the time to do? On any given normal day I will keep myself busy all day long with all the tasks and projects that I want to do. I won’t necessarily go to the local bird refuge and walk the half mile gravel path or plan a picnic at a close by park. I won’t take the evening to walk the dog to the nearby dog park or pick dandelions out of a yard as we walk by. I won’t drive home the slow way using the ferry to cross the river.

This is the reason why I have never seen the Oregon Grape flower, because I have never stopped to look for them. I didn’t realize that I should. As much as I hate to admit this, God is giving me the message to try harder and life is more than a check-list of to dos. It sounds intuitive, right? But, this is my programming that I have to change.

Before you get the complete wrong idea, not every babysitting day is a whiz-bang trip. Sometimes, kids need to learn that adults need to do stuff that kids won’t enjoy. Sometimes kids need to participate in things that they won’t like. But, the whole thing is a balance. It shouldn’t be always one or the other and it certainly should be some of both.

During the summer of the time I was between jobs, I used to do something called adventure Thursdays. That was the day of the week that my wife worked from home so it got us out of the house. We drove around to parks in the county and waded in local creeks, explored roads, bought chocolates made by monks and just looked beyond the boundaries of our house. We stopped at signs and read them and took turns just to see where they went. It was nothing fancy, just something I wanted to do.

The whole eighteen months of me not working is starting to fade into memory. It is hard to think that I spent over a year with the freedom to take in life. I was a better and happier person while I was doing it and for doing it. I think today I would have to force my kids to come with me, not to do it by choice. I look back that those experiences were special. Not because they were grandiose but because the relationship of time and space is something we will never have again.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t fancy myself as sentimental. That is not what this is about today. But, I talk plenty about doing things; my life is driven to doing things. Often, I forget that doing things is not the whole picture of living, just one aspect of it. I took this picture because I was awed by something I had never seen. Not just never seen but right in front of me never seen because my eyes weren’t open to something greater.