I guess that you could say maybe I hit the mid-life crisis stage a few years early. I got the car (and sold it), I quit my job without a plan and I am still trying to answer that question succinctly. Last night, I realized bigger truth is that we are asking ourselves the wrong wrong question in life.

I believe the proper question is not ‘What’ but ‘Who do you want to be when you grow up’. As I grow older the wisdom of age starts to come into play. The reason things and a high paying career don’t bring happiness is because they really don’t matter. In fact, they do the opposite by cementing you into your unhappiness by propelling you to do things you don’t really want to do to have things that don’t change the happiness paradigm.

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It is not easy to go from associating a title and worth to an unknown. Let me give an example. Am I unemployed, retired, a struggling entrepreneur (or an idiot)? Last April when I left my job I told people that I was retired. I was mentally burned out from the years of brutal travel and being on the clock 24/7. While I was employed, my mental numbness was soothed by buying things like tools that there was no way I would ever use because I didn’t ever have the time to do so. I was sure that I wanted something different and controlling my own destiny would go a long way toward self fulfillment.

As time went on, I knew that I was too young to ‘retire’ from a financial perspective but I didn’t have any prospects. Of the interviews I did last year, some of opportunities would have paid a lot more to do similar activities. I briefly considered that if I made more money, the struggle and stress would be worth it. Fortunately or not, none of those opportunities worked out and I shifted to unemployed.

As of the turn of this year, I dedicated more effort into finding a replacement job. Little did I know that the Pandemic economy would change the business landscape. For instance, my wife hasn’t been in her office since March. Many of the large tech companies are decentralizing (locations), potentially forever. Social gathering and networking has been pushed into the virtual domain. More so than ever, job searching has become who you know, increasingly online.

My lack of success being unemployed had forced me to become entrepreneurial for better or worse. I think that it is still very much in line with my happiness. I don’t mind working longer from a timeclock standpoint as long I am controlling my destiny. The real problem is that this is emersion learning and commiserate earning. It will be take some years to become proficient and viable in the business aspects.

One of the reasons that I wrote about being grateful last week is that is a who statement rather than a what statement. Despite the title of the job or the salary attached to the title, knowing who you want to be can help shape your circumstance. Trying a litmus test, here are some characteristics that I think will make me happy.

  • I want a faith centered life to provide a framework of principles, decision making, accountability and redemption
  • I want to be a supportive husband, father, son, citizen. I want to be available without guilt to volunteer, attend functions and appointments to do my first duties first
  • I want to have meaningful relationships that help other people people grow into what they want to be or be safe to be themselves
  • I want to be a positive force where applied, wanted or needed
  • I want the freedom of creativity and choice, the scientist in me wants to hypothesize, test and analyze results.
  • I want the ability to learn from and influence my future based on lessons learned or perceived mistakes
  • I want merit based reward, not based on tenure or title. This keeps the incentive to innovate and strive for continuous improvement in front

From those things, what career would you say I should be looking for? There are a few things that are applicable to a job but many are not and none are specific. In my talks with associates in the HR field, their advice is that I am not specific enough in my approach, where I am looking or even my interviewing. The way I see it is that I cant be, that is the crisis and dichotomy that lead me here in the first place. I have subconsciously changed my focus to Who and not What and it seems to show in my job searching.

I am going to start wrapping it up. What I will do is keep pushing forward keeping my values in front, evaluating data consistently and things will fall into place. Just as promised in my stated goals, I want to be a positive force for others so I hope that you spend more time focusing on ‘Who you want to be’ rather than ‘What do you want to be’. If you ever get the Who licked then by all means go for it!