This is something I have been thinking about for a long time, years in fact. I don’t think that I have completely reconciled until now. I think sometimes you don’t do it until you are forced to make a conclusion. And once that happens, you can keep challenging your conclusion against the evidence.

What is this all about? Well, for a long time at least professionally, I have been interested in doing my part to make the environment better. I get frustrated when the organization does things that don’t make sense or are repetitive. I think that has partially been responsible for me quickly advancing and eventually getting to the point where I end up running my own department. Here is where the best/worst comes in.

In my very first job, I was asked to go to South Carolina to help get a new plant get up and running. They needed someone with some personal discipline to establish the new quality system that a customer was asking to implement. They also wanted some help with maintenance of the computer and controls system. I said yes.

I was starting from ground zero, there were absolutely no expectations and no real plan other than the loose objectives that I was given. I started inventing things to do and ways that I could be helpful and contribute to the overall output. When the fruits of my labor starting paying dividends, I started working on things that I wanted to do. I built cabinets for the lab, I participated in the construction of new space, I learned how to run data cable and I ran new drops every time we needed one. I basically did whatever I wanted to do.

But, because I was successful I started having difficulty with being around others that were not doing as well. It frustrated me that I would work 60 hours a week and others not only worked less but also failed at the tasks they were doing. It felt like I had to do everything I wanted to see it done right. I am being a little coy but for instance my department took over formulating because Quality would always end up having to adjust it in the end.

I got to the point where I needed to make a change even though it would seem like I could do whatever I wanted. I later came to believe that a change was necessary because I just wouldn’t stop. I might have worked myself to death if I was allowed to. I needed to learn how to say no and let people fail, even if it meant that I was going to fail as well.

After a rebound job, I started at a new place. We had chemistry and shared the same spirit at least for the first four years. I built a lot of social capitol within my own office. Then, we were acquired by another company and I was skeptical. Then, I started working with the new people and I was miserable. After three years I got a chance to run my own group out of my office. The first couple of years were great, I again did what I wanted and built and ran my team the way that I wanted to until it became a growing concern within the office.

Management started wanting to help me out and add more things to my group. That included hiring someone to oversee and mentor me. It turned out that person wanted to fundamentally transform my group and I was no longer running it. I suppose what I considered the worst was there were so many problem areas within the company that this was the one that they chose to address, the one that was running the best. I couldn’t take it.

I suppose a bigger man would have tried to get the best out of the situation and I choose to just give up. In my heart of hearts, I knew that no matter what, I wasn’t going to be happy even if things returned to normal. So, here I am with two situations where I was at time completely happy with the circumstances but yet utterly miserable. What is there to learn from that?

How can it be that you get exactly what you want and it makes you hate it at the same time? Is it the pursuit that makes us happy or is the idea or something else? This is the hard part because now I have to figure out what it actually means. My hypothesis is that these circumstances are more of a destiny fulfilled and time to move on. Maybe said another way, when you get what you think you want, you find out that really isn’t what you thought you wanted.

To be clear, I never thought my future was to be a middle manager. I do know that a lot of my assumptions and ideas were validated through the process. Despite the fact that I am confident in the results, it is a hollow victory to be right and validated. It is probable that when someone was driven by spite, there is no satisfaction in completion.

I told my boss numerous times before I quit and even after that he didn’t need me to run the group but he kept insisting that he did. Unfortunately within four months after I left, the entire group was disbanded because over half the group quit, following me leaving. It wasn’t me that was necessary to keep the group together, it was the fact that they fundamentally didn’t understand how to work with and within the group. And to get down to brass tacks, that was the very reason why I wasn’t happy either.

In retrospect, I feel like I should have quit several years before I did. But, then I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to learn what I did from those extra years. To top it off, I am still not sure what I am supposed to be when I grow up. For sure, I am going to keep looking for the answers and hope to not repeat the same mistakes.

End Your Programming Routine: What are we supposed to learn from all this rambling? I suppose that what I would like to get across is to consider your experiences and look for meaning and try to make it better for the next time. Right now, I see myself tracking into the same lanes that I was in before, and I don’t really want to do it again. So, hopefully, it is not too late to avoid a similar kind of fate as some of my previous jobs.