As with anything personal and a situation involves more than myself, I don’t think that it is appropriate to go deep into the details. It’s not that I am scared to reveal some deep, dark secrets, but it is a matter of respect and decency for all parties involved. I certainly wouldn’t appreciate it if someone wrote publicly about my perceived issues.

That being said, my wife and I are trying to do a weekly, Christian based bible study. As strange as this sounds, it has led to a lot of intense conflict. If I try to summarize it, I suppose that an exuberance to implement new changes or techniques. This is difficult for me and could be construed as abrasive and confrontational as well as feeling of inadequacy. Both sides have feelings about what is, what could be and how to approach that.

The main passage for the week is Ephesians 5: 31-33 (NIV).

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The premises of the week are

  1. Marriage is God’s gift for me
  2. My spouse is not my enemy
  3. I must renew my commitment to the permanency of marriage
  4. The purpose of marriage is to glorify God

Due to the week we have had, I have some doubts that I need to resolve. How can every marriage be a gift from God? Is it really only marriages rooted in faith or truly all of them? I think that we have all known people that married for the wrong reasons. And if so, how do you reconcile the word of God versus reality?

This is my problem with the church at large. They are great a highlighting these things we should do and preaching about how to conduct ourselves in the situation but they never reconcile the real tough issues. As and example, when is turning the cheek or loving your neighbor to all extremes really putting up with abuse? It is those kinds of inflection points that I never get out of sermons.

Maybe I am just a bad follower and I should always put my faith in God. But, then I think about those extreme ‘faith healer’ type stories and I just have to believe that proper faith requires us to action, not just pray that ‘God will fix it’. You see what I mean?

I woke up early on Sunday, 3AM. My first thought was that it was really raining and I had unplugged the sump pump because we had significant freezing weather. That always causes the remaining water in the drain pipe to freeze and then when the pump comes on it deadheads, often blowing the flex connection and spraying water everywhere. Once I was up, I knew that I needed to deal with my issues through faith and internally. I did what I am often doing on the weekends, head out to the shop. This time, there was no TV or radio or podcasts. It was my woodworking and myself, thinking and praying.

Some would say that to have a clear and proper prayer time, it needs to be quiet and focused. I always find myself at least pacing when there are heavy things to resolve. I find for myself some menial, physical activity is best. I wasn’t operating machinery or anything but chopping and chiseling (for hours). I don’t know if I got it all out, but it was time to come in and shower for my son’s birthday party.

I actually didn’t think about the fact that it was Sunday and I turned on the radio. The AM station I have it tuned to plays six or so hours of different sermons and one was on. I knew immediately that God was answering my prayer. The sermon was on how doubt, properly researched to the end actually builds faith using the story of Doubting Thomas and the resurrection of Christ.

John 20: 27-29 (NIV)

27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” 28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” 29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

I didn’t note the pastor speaking because I am a casual Sunday listener, but I listened intently to the whole half an hour. Formaldehyde Christianity is the result of growing up in the church and being around faith your whole life without really being tested. It is faith that is always there preserved but not alive. Not doubting and not questioning leads us to blind faith which is probably just as dangerous as zealous faith.

It was very clear that the message for me is that I need to keep asking questions and working on my faith and my marriage. I also have no doubt that God was telling me that he heard me and that sermon at that moment was for me to feel good that it is OK to pursue the answers. But, I think that he was also telling me that I need to trust the process, not to get hung up in grammar or syntax.

End Your Programming Routine: Ultimately, I didn’t resolve my fundamental question but the truth is, it doesn’t matter. I now know re-reading what I wrote and re-reading what the course said that I missed the two words “for me” in the in the first premise. It doesn’t matter whether the dogma is accurate or said another way, all marriages are a gift from God; mine should be treated as such because this is the gift for me. Regardless of whether I perceive some injustice, I also need to own that I am not perfect here either. Because I was erroneously hung up on premise 1, I failed 2-4 this week when we were struggling to effectively communicate. Thanks God for the reminder of humility and ultimately I owe my spouse an apology.