Tomorrow is a holiday for me so this is the last post in 2021 and then we will be on to the new year.  As always, there are many things planned for the holiday and the weekend.  I mean this when I say that I am looking forward to getting into the new year and then things start settling down quite a bit.

I have already written about the year in review and my Festivus airing of grievances so I am not going to rehash all of that again.  But, I think it is always good to spend some time reflecting.  In many ways, I think 2021 was more difficult that 2020.  Yes, 2020 was crazy but it was also a new kind of crazy whereas 2021 was the same shit, different year.

I think one of the differences for me was my work situation.  Since I was very driven in 2020 to remodel the apartment, I was hyper focused on that project sun up to sundown.  Driving for Amazon, I had to concentrate on my surroundings, my driving and planning my next steps as well.  For example, I couldn’t really listen to my podcasts while I was delivering because I wasn’t paying any attention to what they were saying.  I tried, but it just didn’t work.

This last year, I have spent most of the working days behind a desk, where my mind wanders at times.  I think about what I want to make for dinner, what my project plans should be next, what do I want to write about for the week, how many chapters do I have to read in a week to keep up with my reviews, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate that kind of luxury, but I think it is kind of like being an addict.  You are kind of anticipating your next hit (I mean until work is over so I start on that project).  That mental mindset is different than you are not punching out until all of you packages are delivered.

People that know me, know that I am not emotional.  My wife on the other hand is.  We are yin and yang.  This has been a very difficult year for her, and by proxy myself as well.  There have been times of spontaneous tears, shouting matches as primary caretaker and patient, extended trips away from home.  I have had to play the role of peacemaker and lighthouse as well as Mr. Mom.  I suppose that is assuming the consequences of assuming the role of Patriarch for that half of the family.

Speaking of Mr. Mom, having teenagers has some benefits and a lot of drawbacks.  With all the time that they spent at home last year, they lost a lot of discipline.  Everywhere they are is a mess, meal time is literally almost anytime of the day and their personalities are driving me crazy sometimes.  One child is vegan every other month and the other picks and eats all the meat out of leftovers.  One child leaves for school at 7AM and returns at 8PM, the other selectively turns in assignments.  Neither feed and care for the animals or perform chores adequately or without prompting.  This causes friction with my wife and me as well as the kids.

I am not saying the calendar changing does anything about any of this.  It does allow me to reflect on what I want to change.  I want to be careful, this is a path that can lead back to where I was a few years ago, marching through time not with passion but because you don’t know how to get off the wheel.  It has the sights of deja vu, only I have been down this road before.  

The next logical step is to decide and make those changes.  This is where I get stuck a bit.  I am pretty good a laying out options, but moving forward is more difficult.  I suppose that it is more like you already know that you don’t like the choices so doing nothing is the easiest.  At least you know the downsides already. 

I think about some of the most radical changes that have occurred in my life, many of them were done without a lot of thought.  For instance, when I moved to South Carolina.  The truth is, I really didn’t want to do it.  I was happy with what I was doing and had only been in our house less than two years.  But, when the opportunity came up, I didn’t say no and everything just happened.  In retrospect, that was one of the best opportunities that I could have ever accepted.  There was so much learning and growing that came from it that if I would have stuck to my instincts would have never happened.

If ever there was a personality trait that I wish I had, I wish that I had to ability to know what I wanted and be decisive.  In contrast, I suppose I have the same type of discipline that makes a good scientist.  I want to collect all of the data, then analyze it and finally make a conclusion that the data supports.  What do you do when the data is inconclusive?  You perform more experiments until a clear analysis is possible.  Life definitely isn’t a well defined experiment with finite outcomes, so I am still collecting data.

Looking back to my first post of this year and my goalsetting, I accomplished none of these things.  The truth is, those are the logical steps to move this endeavor from a hobby to a business.  But, the real question is why didn’t I do any of those things?  I can make up excuses like I was working but the real truth is I didn’t want to.  To be brutally honest, I was lazy and didn’t want to put in the extra work that was required to do all of the small things to accomplish the larger goal.  I wanted to spend my extra time building my office, reading 1984 and writing my daily posts rather than I did working on a business plan.

I would liken it to my process oriented brain.  It is very easy for me to see the endpoint and make up all of the logical steps in between.  What is not as easy is to impart the intangible discipline to do it, primarily driven by desire.  Does that make me a loser who wants to live in misery?  A little bit because there is only so much whining people will tolerate from someone that appears chronically unhappy and it seems to be their own doing, especially when they don’t follow their own plan. 

To stave that off, it is up to me to figure out the motivations and do something different with my situation.  For instance, maybe I should spend my time writing a book rather than this blog?  Or maybe I should stop writing for a while and really figure out if podcasting is what I would rather do?  Or maybe I should narrow the focus of this and stick to one subject to build a targeted audience rather than my daily whatever is top of mind? Or maybe I should keep this as it is because I enjoy it and stop trying to wish I was an entrepreneur type of personality?

End Your Programming Routine: I think it is OK to not know what the future looks like as long as you are aware that is the case.  The lucky few know what they want and are doing it.  The rest of us know that something isn’t quite right. I want to be in the subset that keeps looking rather than accepting this is all there is.  That being said, I am going to make some changes in 2022, just not sure what that is going to be yet.  I am checking off 2021 and wish you a happy new year.