Category: Review

August 1, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 11-12

August 1, 2025 /

One of the nice things about this book is that it seems to flow with how I want to do things. That would be two chapters at a time and the subjects seem to work topically together. This week it is boundary problems with work and the digital world. For many of us working at home or in the technology sector, the digital world is a must. The truth is the digital world is here to stay whether it is required for work or not.

Let me tell you that I have had some boundary problems with work. One thing that taking a two years off really helped me was with perspective. I have a much stronger propensity to have better boundaries now then I ever did before I just let everything go. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t struggle at times but creating that separation made things so much clearer.

I find it a lot easier to take a stand in a large company then when I was with a small one. Their, you are almost family and those bonds quickly become strong. But, the weak bonds and relationships in a large company are much easier to defend. It makes it especially true when I am working from home. I just put things on my calendar and walk away when it is time.

I think where work boundary problems are evident is that this is an environment of sanctified hierarchy. Once we are deemed adults, we are all treated as equals (in theory). So friendships, romantic relationships and even familial interactions we have the ability to declare the we are independent adults and with it comes the ability to lead our own lives and consequences thereof. Not so at work.

I wouldn’t call my dad a workaholic by any means but there were a lot of times where he travelled for months at a time sometimes returning home every other week and sometimes once a month. That was my model and work was supported and encouraged. Add to my travelling being on-call and work never ended. I worked and worked in various jobs.

As funny as it sounds, I have a much less likely to have boundary problems with the digital world. Part of that is because I do not participate in much social media. The other part is that I want to be done with technology by the time I am done with work.

It was about 15 years ago, a co-worker was leaving. I talked to him about his decision and from that conversation he asked a favor. Create a LinkedIn account and join a particular group that was common to the work that we did. I did and didn’t think too much about it as it has not been super busy over the years.

I have the application on my phone. Particularly when I was looking to get back into the workforce, I had notifications turned on. My logic was that I had to be ready at the drop of a dime for a recruiter to contact me and offer me a job. But, I started noticing a couple of things as well. One of those things was that I was starting to get in the habit of clearing my notifications every time I saw them.

The second thing that I was noticing was that I kept getting notified of the same stories. This was not a notification from a different source or a variation but that it was the same story I read a week ago. It was happening over and over again, Every time I unlocked my phone I had new notifications. Of which, nothing was ever significant.

I decided to turn off notifications and I have not looked back. Important things like messages from recruiters also send emails. Every time I log in, there are 20+ notifications because I only check every couple of weeks. But they are almost always ‘so and so likes this’ and things of that ilk. These days, I recognize LinkedIn as a necessary evil. My last two jobs were the result of having an active profile and I have had multiple interviews as well. But, I do keep it at bay.

End Your Programming Routine: There is a ton to be written about these two subjects. I really cannot do justice with digital boundaries in one quick write-up. Even if you are not reading the book, observe your digital habits as a third person. I see all the time most people are on their phones the entire waiting period at the doctor’s office. We have forgotten how to be still because most people are addicted to technology. Just wait until AI is fully integrated.

July 25, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapter 9-10

July 25, 2025 /

These are two chapters that I have been interested in reading, boundary issues with the spouse and children. I feel like the two are kind of joined at the hip considering that one might have issues with one that bleeds into the other. I am pretty convinced that people don’t just have boundary problems in one area, at least I don’t.

The concept of systems thinking comes to mind. By now, I hope that it is obvious that most problems have a systematic approach to resolution. I am not seeing much of a difference between a boundary issue with friend versus a spousal relationship. Sure, there is more intimacy between partners and hopefully more grace as well but the reality is that they have similar roots and resolutions.

In fact, this chapter reapplies several laws found in chapter five to use as examples. The book also adds a nine point list to help with resolution. I don’t see it specific to spousal boundaries but to all mature boundary problems.

  1. Inventory the symptoms
  2. Identify the specific boundary problems
  3. Find the origins of the problem
  4. Take in the good
  5. Practice
  6. Say no to the bad
  7. Forgive
  8. Become proactive
  9. Learn to love freedom and responsibility

Moving to chapter ten, let’s hope that you don’t have too many boundary problems with children. Otherwise we need to call the police and protective services. Rightly so, a large focus of this chapter is all about installing age appropriate boundaries as well as teaching them so children grow up as healthy, appropriate adults.

When I was a young child (pre school) I remember that my bedtime was seven o’clock. As I moved into grade school, my bedtime became 8PM until summertime and then it was nine. Throughout grade school it bounced back and forth in this manner, it seemed normal. So that by the time I was in middle school, this was routine and there were no questions asked.

We had a bit of a kerfuffle in middle school as my peers and friends found Saturday Night Live. My mom said that we were expected to be ready and attentive for church the next day. The pastor’s husband was also a fan of Saturday Night Live and he could not make it to church routinely and slept late on Sunday’s. After that point, I never questioned that my bedtime was nine o’clock no matter what season or day it was.

It was late May in my senior year and my parents were confronting me with something else. I was already 18, but what I said in the conversation is that I had no meaningful connection with my peers. They were exercising their adulthood and transitioning out of the house and yet I felt nothing relatable with them. My parents responded with ‘there was no reason why I couldn’t do the things that they were doing’.

Somewhere in the age of middle school to high school, I missed the boat of age appropriate freedom and boundaries. Ultimately, it was my fault for not trying to exert or push for expanded boundaries but I never realized it was something that I should be doing or that would have long term effects. To date, I have a hard time relating to pop culture trends and platonic relationships.

This is a polite way of saying that I have to own my own problems. I have the power to do anything that I want if I desire to change this. That being said, it is the parents responsibility to guard their children against retarded development. I think that my parents fell into the convenience trap of saying ‘well he is not asking for anything, so it should be fine’ rather than saying some of these choices are more age appropriate.

My wife and I are completely opposite. As much as I had severely restricted boundaries, she had almost no boundaries. Therefore, we have struggled over the years to set appropriate boundaries with our kids. It is almost the opposite where she would want more and I would want less for them. And then we went full circle to boundary problems within our relationship. It is always way more complicated than this but it is an example.

End Your Programming Routine: There is a lot of discussion in chapter nine about feelings. Not what you do causes this or that result but I feel scared, lonely, abandoned, whatever. I have never been much into feelings but I now understand that these are signals for boundary problems. Be warned that it is just as likely a boundary problem that other’s own to cause negative feelings. But, that is delicate and this is the place that you really need double down on collaborative resolution.

July 18, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 7-8

July 18, 2025 /

As I mentioned last week, it was the last chapters of the part one. This of course means that these are the first two chapters of the part two. I guess I would describe this part as scenarios with the different social groups that we frequently interact. For instance today we read about boundary conflicts with family (ch7) and friends (ch8).

It shouldn’t be any wonder that boundary issues with family start with them as well. The term arrested development is probably a pretty good descriptor. If steps are not made to mitigate old roles and problems then it is pretty likely that they carry forward.

Dave Ramsey has this term of Powdered Butt Syndrome. In his case, he is referring to any person that has powdered your butt will never see you as an authority figure. I don’t find that to be completely true but it is definitely niche. In my case, my dad is frequently coming to me for technology issues. He sees me as an authority in that space.

I also secretly suspect that he likes and trusts my approach better than other helpers because I don’t just push buttons or click the mouse. I am cautious and deliberate when I am working on his computer. But, the fact remains that this phenomenon is real and my point is that boundary problems start right where they ended.

The thing that I like about this chapter is that it talks about boundary resolution. To me, it seems like it has nothing to do with family specifically. In my book, the concepts that the chapter talks about are pretty universal. They would be: Identify the symptoms, Identify the conflict, identify the need that drives the conflict, take in the good, say no to the bad, forgive the aggressor, respond don’t react, live in the freedom

Switching gears into Chapter 8 now and boundaries and your friends. Back in chapter 3, we learned about the different types of personality disfunction. This chapter goes through some scenarios with your friends and what happens when one type interacts with another.

I don’t know for sure, but I assume by the type pairings that this book is targeted toward the compliant personality type. Otherwise, this chapter misses on what happens when an aggressive controller and a non-responsive get together. I hate to get too negative because I have to assume that the intent of the audience was everyone and not just compliant types.

  • compliant/compliant – lack of leadership
  • compliant/aggressive controller – takes without asking
  • compliant/manipulative controller – always in a jam
  • compliant/non-responsive – ignored

This is part of what bothers me about this book. When two compliant types are friends, the book makes a point of using an example of they both make conflicting plans. Each one agrees to the other despite the conflict. The point was each were so timid that they could not possibly say no to the other despite the looming disaster.

As I have stated repeatedly, I am not a psychologist or therapist. That being said, I have to say that scenarios such as what is used in the book has to be almost zero. Maybe it is hyperbole or possibly I do not have enough exposure to other people’s problems.

The other three types of interactions are pretty much as you would expect. As such, I don’t think that much explanation is required. Like the discussion in chapter 3, I find myself in between compliant and non-responsive. I don’t really have a ton of friends (surprise, surprise) but there have been some times when I really wanted to say no but I didn’t and so I ignored the decision. Remember that compliants cant say no and non-responsives do not answer.

You know, I am sure that it is dysfunctional but I really do not have many friends and I really do not value their place in my life. My attitude is sort of take them or leave them. A part of that has to do with some friends that I had 20 years ago. I did not recognize personality type before this book but I knew that I could not say no and if I stayed around long enough, I would eventually get into serious trouble.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t mean to be disparaging, but I do recognize that my boundary issues are a result of my upbringing. Despite that, I have been an adult longer than not and I feel like I have outgrown my interpersonal boundary issues with my family. It wasn’t always smooth but they understand that I am an independent adult. That feels good and normal.

July 17, 2025 – Eat Like You Give a Fork: The Real Dish on Eating to Thrive

July 17, 2025 /

Here we go again. This book by Mareya Ibrahim is the Left Coast Culinary Book Club selection for July. It is part cookbook and part guide book for clean eating. I don’t know all of the specifics but we now have a member that has dietary allergies. This is kind of unfortunate for the club but we are working our way around it by now labelling all of our dishes with an ingredient list.

When it comes to cookbooks, I don’t really read them word for word. I do scan every recipes and I will read any sort of ancillary comments or recipe introduction. This book is really half text and half cookbook. A lot of it is a justification or overview of the section. More on that in a minute.

This book is a conundrum for me. Part of it I absolutely agree with and part of it I absolutely disagree with. But, let’s save the overall judgement to the end. Ibrahim’s reasoning for clean eating I absolutely agree with. The basic premise is our American’s diet is garbage. Like any other detox, you have to break your association of activity to result. She suggests a two week training course to re-adjust your taste buds. She talks about how kids need to try new things a number of times to get accustomed to the food. This is the first section.

I have no issue with that. I do feel strongly that our diet is a choice. Many of us are lazy more than we should be. Lazy becomes habit forming and pretty soon we have health problems. Ibrahim’s suggestion is that every plate should be 50% non-starchy carbohydrates. I have no issue with that either, it seems pretty smart.

When you start to re-introduce starches, she goes into a lot about good and bad grains. I certainly understand that people with gluten sensitivity absolutely need to stay away from gluten. The research that I have done into paleo says to me that it is not the grain per se that is the problem, but the glycemic conversion of sugar to energy that is actually the problem. It is that conversion reaction that causes inflammation and inflammation is the root to many of our modern health problem.

The next subject that the book talks about is protein. Guess which way it went? You guessed it, fish and white meat chicken. Red meat is highly recommended to eat very sparingly. I can certainly say that I disagree with this recommendation. Fish, chicken and red meat are all good sources of protein. This is especially true when you are not combining fat and inflammation at the same time.

Since I brought up fat, I certainly side with Ibrahim on eliminating trans fats. In my book there are two types of fats that are good. One is pressed from something like olive oil and the other is from animals. I can in no way endorse grape seed oil or any oil that is the result of distillation.

What I will say as a positive for the book is that if you followed it, I am confident that it is an infinitesimal improvement over the typical American diet. I think my concerns over the book is I cannot fully endorse the science or lack thereof. This is a huge problem in the health and nutritional field. It is so convoluted with industrial food, pharmaceuticals, politics and money that it is almost impossible to find truth.

My real worry is that people already ignorant of how to use logic to assess truth from fiction come out of this reading half baked. One other thing that bothered me about this book was that the language was pretty chippy, it is even in the subtitle. Just like all the crap on YouTube/Facebook/Tick-tok that is entertaining more than educational. There is an old saying that ignorance is dangerous.

End Your Programming Routine: Maybe I was a little harsh on the book? It’s not bad, it’s just not great. I wouldn’t give it as a gift to someone else but if you wanted to start somewhere why not here? This is why I started where I did today because I could strongly agree and disagree with parts of the book. The first place to start is actually starting and this book can help with that.

July 11, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapter 5-6

July 11, 2025 /

These are the last two chapters of part one. I am going to spend most of this post talking about chapter five rather than six, for reasons that I will explain when we get there. The author’s rightly claim that to be successful in any endeavor, you must know ‘the rules’ of the game. Chapter five is all about the ten rules of boundaries.

I will quickly list the ten rules below.

  1. Sowing and reaping
  2. Responsibility
  3. Power
  4. Respect
  5. Motivation
  6. Evaluation
  7. Proactivity
  8. Envy
  9. Activity
  10. Exposure

I don’t really feel like duplicating the work already printed in this chapter. It is redundant and I am not any sort of expert in the topic. In case you are not reading the book, it is probably worth putting some definition on each of these rules. It also helps me remember in two or three years what this book was all about. I do that sometimes.

  • Sowing and reaping – This is pretty evident what it means. The one thing that struck me as unique is that sometimes people do not reap what they sow because someone else does it instead, see responsibility below.
  • Responsibility – We cannot have successful boundaries if we do not take responsibility for our actions. A classic failure is the idea of codependency.
  • Power – Just like the 12 steps idea, we have to acknowledge that there are some things that are completely within out control. By the same token, there are issues that entirely out of our hands.
  • Respect – I think that this is two fold. The first is that we won’t get respect if we do not give respect. Similarly, we have to trust that others will respect boundaries if given meaning that if we don’t state our boundaries, some people may realize that there is a boundary.
  • Motivation – We have to have desire to set boundaries. Usually that lack of desire is a result of fear of action like it will hurt someone else or make them angry. Our motivation has to be independent of what we thing the actions of others will result.
  • Evaluation – This law is more about the how and when to express boundaries. It is true that setting down the line can cause hurt feelings but what are the repercussions of not doing it? Sensitive subjects demand sensitive conversations.
  • Proactivity – State your boundaries up front. I do think that the trick is to perform the proper Evaluation before blurting something out that is out of context.
  • Envy – The best way that I can describe this is that it is the opposite of what we want. We need to be aware of our own hang-ups to be able to effectively communicate what we do want.
  • Activity – If I understand this correctly, this law is intended to keep moving forward. After you state your intentions, you have to follow through with enforcing the boundaries as well as staying in relationship.
  • Exposure – Clearly, values and boundaries have to be known.

I think that the part that kind of bothers me about these laws are they are not clearly distinct. For instance, Proactivity, Activity and Exposure are closely related. Sowing and Reaping along with Responsibility are closely related. Envy seems like an anti-law. I will be honest, I think that this would have way impact if the laws were tidied up quite a bit. I cannot clearly say a particular scenario fits one law or the other.

Moving on to chapter six. I suppose that maybe this chapter was necessary. It is about the hang-ups for having boundaries. I kind of found it a weak, whine fest which is why I chose to not spend much time on the chapter. This is the list from the book.

  1. Boundaries are selfish
  2. Boundaries are disobedient
  3. Boundaries others will hurt me
  4. Boundaries hurt others
  5. Boundaries mean that I am angry
  6. Boundaries injure me
  7. Boundaries cause guilt
  8. Boundaries burn bridges

End Your Programming Routine: I had read to this point when I started writing about this book a few weeks ago. It probably explains my kind of sour start. Some of the earlier chapters I felt relatively insightful. Unfortunately, these two feel bloated and need refining. I suppose the alternative is that I am just not getting it, I guess that you can be the judge of that.

July 3, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 3-4

July 3, 2025 /

Last week I wrote about what it means to not have boundaries. I think that we can all imagine such things. As promised, this week I am getting more technical with the types of personalities define boundary issues. And then in chapter 4, it talks about how boundaries are defined and recognize as us individuals.

At some point, we all have boundary issues. Maybe you are not the aggressor but the one aggressed upon. Only one of those situations do we have any sort of control which is why we all have boundary issues. Depending on your personality type is how you default to boundary situations.

Chapter Three is titled “What are boundaries”. There are essentially four different types of boundary definitions. Here they are.

  • Compliant – Feels guilty and/or controlled by others.  Can’t set boundaries.
  • Avoidants – Sets boundaries against getting help from others.
  • Controllers – Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries against others.
  • Non Responsive – Sets boundaries against the responsibility to love.

In the book, these types are placed in a table. The Compliants can’t say no and the Non-Responsives can’t say yes. The Avoidants can’t hear no while the Controllers cannot hear yes. When you look at the four types, do you see yourself? I sure do, Much like the Myers-Briggs tests and other such personality tests, I don’t necessarily find myself squarely one category all of the time.

Ironically, I can see myself with all of them from time to time. In my marriage, I am almost completely Compliant. In my non-working time outside of my marriage, I am almost completely Avoidant. While I am at work I am a combination of Controller and Non-Responsive. I can think of times that I have knowingly ignored subordinates requests to try and grow at the expense of trying. But, that has been rare and far and few between.

I don’t think that I am an alien or something not human. I am not sure that it is normal to have all four traits but I also don’t think it is abnormal to have different responses in different situations. It probably is a good indication of why I am always striving to be fiercely independent and self-reliant. It probably explains why I have issues ‘fitting in’.

That being said, my dichotomy speaks to the two types of boundaries, functional versus relational. Functional boundaries are things related to task completion whereas relational has to do with people. I won’t lie, I do think that my functional boundaries are stronger than my relational. I don’t have as much of an issue standing up for myself in a work situation because I feel like I have less to lose.

Chapter four is titled “How boundaries are developed”. This is an very interesting chapter in that it describes the necessary states to not only grow up but also to develop healthy boundaries. When boundary problems develop, it is often a trauma or stunting at a particular stage. Examples of those causes from the book are things like withdrawal from boundaries, hostility against boundaries, overcontrol, lack of limits, inconsistent limits, trauma

There are five developmental stages that have purpose. They are:

  • Bonding (birth) – mother and child bond
  • Separation (6 mos – toddler) – recognizing that independence is necessary
  • Hatching (child) – developing independent personality
  • Reproachment (child) – establishing boundaries with safe limits
  • Practicing (pre-teen to teen) – Acting within boundaries with ever increasing control

I look at this list and I can see exactly where my development diminished. Since it is biological, bonding and separation happen. I think that my development slowed in Hatching and severely stunted in Reproachment. This seems to be an extremely common occurrence with strict parenting. When a child is not allowed to safely say no then they do not develop the skills to set personal boundaries.

Clearly, not everything remains static. My sister (youngest) had much less in the terms strict boundaries than I did. My brother rebelled and had much more friction. His personality was stronger in determination to become independent whereas my sister really did not have to try that hard.

End Your Programming Routine: I am not complaining, it is just the way it is. And it certainly is not an excuse to not address the problem. This book has already changed my perspective on boundaries. I now realize that I have issues as well rather than strictly thinking I am the victim.

June 27, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 1-2

June 27, 2025 /

I have been a fan of the Dave Ramsey book list for many years and this book has been on my to read list for all of them.  The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is also recommended by me as well.  Other titles like Who Moved My Cheese have a message but I find to be a bit situational. 

I kind of, sort of had fantasies of reading this and having an epiphany when my wife’s parents were alive.  Boundaries were a huge issue in our relationship.  I left them more to my wife to deal with because I felt like I didn’t want to get in the middle of their relationship.  That was probably the wrong thing to do because we each as individuals have boundaries.  I am just as entitled to have my boundaries as well.  What a complicated mess.

I wanted to buy copies for both of us.  I thought by reading it, we would self-reflect on the lessons and things would get better.  I realize now that was probably not going to happen.  Part of why I held off was I was uncertain about whether the idea was insulting.  I also realize that boundaries have two parties with the aggressor and the egressed. 

A number one problem with people violating boundaries is not knowing (my problem) or not caring (their problem).  Hence the need to study boundaries.  I kind of just accepted that this was the way things were going to be without stating my wants in the situation.  This is a little bit unfair to them and it certainly did not make me any happier. 

This of course caused friction within the marriage as well.  My wife was unhappy at the constant conflict over boundaries who then brought them to me.  I would then in turn defer to her and nothing would get resolved.  My stance was, if you wanted a relationship then this was the price that was to be paid.  I should mention that she was very good and up front about boundaries which is why I expressed my attitude a above. 

Chapter one is an anecdotal story about a woman who struggles in happiness because of being buffered about in a life without boundaries.  I have kind of violated my principles by reading way ahead and so I am kind of biased about this book already.  Let me warn you up front that this book is highly based on Christian principles.  While I think that there is some value for everyone, it feels like throughout the book it is the ‘meek Christian’ that cannot dare to set boundaries.

I have met these people for sure and the audience is clearly intended for the faithful but to me it feels extremely stereotypical.  Being paralyzed in the ‘turn the other cheek’ mentality to not be able to function in life is more rare than it would seem based on the book.  There is nothing wrong with faith base counseling, in fact I think that it helps set the proper perspective and context for us faithful.  But, I do think that it is wrong to come at this as a crisis of faith.  That idea discounts a lot of people that probably need these words but will be turned off by the faith forward approach.

Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater yet.  Chapter two is about all the different kinds of boundaries.  Some of them are not personal based but culturally based.  For instance, I noticed in China the personal zone was extremely different than what I was used to.  In line for the subway, people would literally press right up against others.  What we would consider a tight western line would have some air right in between two people.  It was one of the things that I was quite ready to leave when I came back home because it felt very suffocating.

Reading all of the different types of boundary examples did make me understand that I also had boundary violations.  It wasn’t just that others transgressing on me but that I failed to express where mine were.  I always felt like people should know not to do this or that but then it completely makes sense that if I do not communicate as such that this kind of thing could happen.

End Your Programming Routine: Hopefully, things get better from here.  I have started out a bit negative which I do feel is warranted.  But, like I said let’s give it a chance.  Next week we will get a little more scientific about the subject.  I will talk more about the book instead of my own situation instead.

June 20, 2025 – In the Gravest Extreme: The Role of the Firearm in Personal Protection, Chapters 17 and Conclusion

June 20, 2025 /

We have come to the end of this highly regarded book. Today I am am talking about what happens after a self-defense shooting, my opinion of the book and then what is next on AltF4.co. Let’s go.

Ayoob’s advice on what to do after a shooting is in alignment with what I have heard in today’s environment. Be the first to call the police if you can. Disarm before the police show up. Give a brief, non-confrontational statement and no more. It should contain certain phrases such as “I was afraid for my life. I shot this man and I will be happy to cooperate when I receive counsel with a lawyer”. That is it.

Before the ‘Summer of Love 2020’, there was the George Zimmerman shooting of George Floyd (2012). I happen to believe that Zimmerman was trying to do the right thing but going about things very ignorantly and stupidly. I am not sure that Floyd was up to no good, but Zimmerman was playing citizen cop, poorly.

There was plenty of digital evidence that something occurred and Florida is a castle doctrine state. The fact that Zimmerman was somewhat of a nuisance 911 caller and on the phone when he pursued and ultimately shot Floyd did not play well in his favor. Fortunately for Zimmerman, he was initially not charged with negligent manslaughter.

But, for political reasons (IMHO) Zimmerman was investigated for Civil Rights violations by the Department of Justice. Remember that this was the Obama era. From the time of the shooting in February 2012 until the case was ultimately dropped by the DOJ in April 2015, there was widespread speculation into Zimmerman’s character and intent. How is your nest egg? I will remind again that there are organizations like USCCA and Citizens Legal Defense Network.

This is a book that I was excited to read. I wanted to believe that being a highly respected work by a highly respected subject matter expert it would stand the test of time. Upon reading it, I realized that there has been too much legislative and technological water under the bridge to make this book relevant today. It would take a person already versed in this topic to be able to discriminate between the good and the not so good here.

What I think is good with it is that if you live in a ‘Constitutional Carry’ state, you need to know that there is a lot more to things then just strapping on your piece. Even if you just have a gun in the home, you need to know the parameters of when lethal force is legitimate. There are proper procedures to perform after a confrontation and you have to start somewhere.

I think Ayoob is in his mid to late seventies now. Ten years ago or so, I used to occasionally listen to him on his own podcast. I am a little surprised at some of the language used in the book that I am more than sure he would not endorse today. These would be the brandishing suggestions and the more tough guy bent that he set in some cases. I suspect that a lot of that was more a result of him being a New York City police officer. Lawmen will always be held to different (looser) standards than citizens not to mention qualified immunity (again).

It can’t be helped that so much time has passed as well as technology. Since I have been around so long, I have observed Ayoob’s recommendations evolve to slim automatics to 9mm to the current one and a half stack pistols like the Sig Sauer P365. Technology changes everything with tactics. It makes things like the suburbs possible to commute to a job daily. Now, with work from home ubiquitous an employee can literally live anywhere.

The book that I am starting next week is called Boundaries by Henry Cloud. This is a book that I have been wanting to read for twenty years. It is on the Dave Ramsey recommended list and it happens to be an area that I am weak in. There is no excuse to delay things that long as I always thought that it would be useful when my wife’s parents were alive. Better late than never.

I am not committed to how to break it up yet. It will likely be two chapters a week with the last week of reading is the last three chapters. To be prepared, read chapter one and two.

End Your Programming Routine: Ayoob has a newer book called Deadly Force which is definitely on my list. The description says that it is a follow-up to this book. I suspect that we will see all the newest and better, more relevant recommendations there. It is not my next book but I will probably read it this year. In the Gravest Extreme is out of print and rightly so. I think that it’s time has come and gone.

June 13, 2025 – In the Gravest Extreme: The Role of the Firearm in Personal Protection, Chapters 15-16

June 13, 2025 /

Reading gunfighting tactics from a book is probably not the best idea. Don’t take my word for it, I am no consultant or trainer. I do believe that even with the best laid plans, practice is required. The problem is that most ranges do not allow holster draw. Mine specifically does but it does have to be with the intent of practicing techniques. I am not sure how you prove that but word to the wise.

The value of reading tactics comes after some training. This provides another perspective and the ability to analyze information. I do have to say that I learned something in this chapter that I never knew. Apparently, some revolvers have full length ejectors while others do not. Truthfully, I don’t know which ones I have or how to look for them, what models, etc.

The reason that I bring this up is that I was considering some classes for my wife. Nearly ever single self-defense pistol class requires a pistol (not a revolver). I don’t really have such a thing that I would consider appropriate. If it were me, I would just take what I have because that is what I might carry. The point is that I paid much more attention to the revolver information in this book whereas the vast majority of today’s concealed carrier would have a pistol.

Practice: no truer words were said. If you cannot hit anything at the range, how in the heck do you think you will defend your life properly? I have to admit that while I take a handgun nearly every range trip, I am a significantly better rifle shot. Not only are handguns harder to shoot accurately, but I practice rifle shooting most days with the air rifle. Most of my practice is offhand (no support) or left hand (weak hand) as well.

When it comes to things like shotguns and trap shooting, my kids can shoot my pants off. They shoot at least 75 targets for sixteen weeks a year whereas I might shoot 25 targets in one season (2X a year). They have significantly more experience than I ever have and it shows when we compete or shoot together. Those are two examples where practice is better than a loaded handgun in the sock drawer.

I do believe that you can read about safety from a book and it is effective. I am not going to extensively cover the rules of firearm safety. Some groups reference three rules while others say four. Neverthess, if you follow these you will always be safe.

  1. Treat every gun as it is loaded
  2. Keep your finger off of the trigger until ready to shoot.
  3. Verify your target and what is behind it.

Something that I think about is when others are around. I know that I am not going to do something stupid but what happens when there are other kids around? For that reason, when I am going to clean some firearms over the course of several days, I make sure that they are disassembled to the point of not being able to be used. I suppose kids smart enough could figure out how to put it back together but then they would have to know where the ammunition is, how to load it etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t leave stuff laying around routinely, even temporarily. But, I like to put stuff back in the safe clean. Often when I come back from the range I don’t have the time to clean up that day. I may have stuff on the bench for a few days while is am actively cleaning. Always make sure that I get my stuff put away expediently and be aware of what others may or may not know.

One last story. I know someone that was sleeping with a 9mm handgun under the pillow. One night while this person was sleeping they accidentally pulled the trigger. Fortunately, the only consequence was a hole in the wall. I have never gone out shooting (intentionally) with them but I highly suspect their judgement. Don’t do this.

End Your Programming Routine: We are approaching the end. Next week will be the last chapter and I will offer a conclusion as well. This will be unlike most books where the conclusion follows the last chapter. I felt this book was sufficiently short enough that it didn’t warrant another week. It is extremely unlikely that you would ever have to defend yourself, above everything else… be safe.

June 6, 2025 – In the Gravest Extreme: The Role of the Firearm in Personal Protection, Chapters 13-14

June 6, 2025 /

OK, my opinion of this book is changing from what I believed before I read the book until now being almost finished. These two chapters are nearly worthless because so much has changed in 45 years. Even some of the information is no longer accurate because of technological changes. I just don’t think that you can overlay the old information with today’s new choices.

The first chapter is all about firearms choice. Ayoob recommends a two inch, 38 Special as the best overall choice. Personally, as someone who owns one, I have to disagree in today’s market. With a short barrel length, accurately aiming is very difficult. Recoil ranges from snappy to stinging, making shooting often uncomfortable. A magazine capacity of five pales in comparison so something like a Sig Sauer P365 that holds 13.

Something that I feel is definitely wrong is the lack of endorsement for the rifle as a self defense platform. The Modern Sporting Rifle (ex. AR-15), primarily in carbine configuration has a long track record in urban combat. I do not believe that it works well for the untrained and unpracticed but then again I don’t think that any of this does. Any sort of long arm is not for street carry. Ask Kyle Rittenhouse about packing around a rifle into trouble. That fits right into the Machismo of carrying a firearm.

But as far as home defense, it is amongst the best choices. As a rifle, the bullet energy of a 223 Remington is three times that of a 357 magnum. Rifles are inherently easier to aim and shoot accurately. An MSR magazine can carry 30 rounds. Last and best is that the 55 grain bullet tumbles on impact. This phenomenon tends to significantly reduce over penetration that will be experienced by almost any other choice.

When I started this series, I referenced the 1986 Miami shootout. This was a pivotal moment in self defense and ballistics theories. It was deemed that a large part of the failure was the result of 9mm full metal jacket ammunition that was unable to penetrate glass and deliver lethal force. As a result, the FBI developed the 10mm cartridge.

The 10mm proved to be extremely effective but caused an unintended consequence of swelling the grip size. The extra recoil and increased size made slighter, statured officers unable to competently use the firearms. That quickly morphed into another cartridge which is the 40 S&W. The Forty reigned supreme for twenty years in the law enforcement arena due to superior ballistics over 9mm.

But, times change and the economy of scale with the military (and most of the world) using 9mm, it was deemed more economical to use. There were also still complaining about the recoil of the Forty as well. As a result of the shootout and all of the cartridge development led to the FBI ballistics test. Note that the test is not caliber specific. Consequently, 9mm has largely overtaken the law enforcement market again due to significantly better ammunition development.

All of this is to say that Ayoob deemed the 9mm marginal which is simply not the case in 2025. Ayoob himself claimed that the ‘king’ of cartridges is the .45 Auto. This analysis is simply due to bullet diameter. Mind you .45 caliber is 11.4mm. So, in reality we are talking about a 2.4mm difference between bullets as the only real differentiator on full metal jacket ammunition.

That is all semi-automatic pistol stuff. There have been a bunch of new cartridges in the revolver arena as well. I will disregard all of the elephant rounds and say that the 327 Federal and the older 32 H&R Magnum have come onto the scene. When Ayoob says that there are no 32 caliber cartridges that are adequate for self defense, that would be wrong. There are a host of other benefits that I will not get into here but if I was picking a revolver and cartridge for self defense, I think I would look in this direction.

I want to end this by saying that I do not own a whole bunch of firearms. But, the reason that there are so many handgun choices and calibers is that there is a situation for all of them and choice is only one of them. A person could reasonable justify revolver for the woods, a small handgun for pocket or summer carry, a double stack for crowded situations or winter carry. In my mind, there is no perfect situation. A handgun is best for concealment and to keep the other hand free.

If you were to tell me that I had to pick one, I would say that I prefer not to be there when the confrontation happens. If you said that I had to be at the confrontation, I pick a long gun. If that is not an option, pick the one that you are the most comfortable with and can shoot the best. While I respect Ayoob’s vast experience in the ballistics arena, I side on the fact that a hit is better than a miss.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t mean to demean Ayoob, it is just that these chapters do not stand the test of time for reasons that is beyond his control. As a person that was alive in 1980, I can tell you first hand things are very different technologically between then and now. What if you were advising cars from 1980 in 2025? The best economical car to buy is a Renault Le Car…