Category: Philosophy

November 16, 2021 – I Have the Need to be Doing Something

November 16, 2021 /

My wife says that I can never be in the moment. I think that is largely true although never is a strong statement. I would say that it is probably more like 90% of the time. Next week, I will take Thanksgiving Day and have zero expectations. The other days will be fair game to either doing something productive or most likely wishing I was.

Throughout my school years, I read a lot. I really do mean a lot. During that time, I probably averaged a book a week. There were some times where I would read two or three books a week and I have written about what the library means to me. But, over time something has changed in me.

It is the same reason that I barely watch TV, or even stream shows at my convenience. I won’t sit down and watch football unless I can fold laundry or shell walnuts or some other task. I definitely know it has driven my interest in podcasts and radio because I prefer to listen to a game rather than watch it.

I am pretty sure that my problem is that I don’t consider family time or relationship time as important as well as TV time. Before I am harshly judged, hear me out. I don’t think it has been a conscious decision but something that is uniquely me. To describe it, I would say that once I make a value judgement, I stop looking for supporting or contrary information i.e. my relationship.

This of course has consequences. Descriptors such as cold or aloof have sometimes been used. It also means that I have to try harder at not being some of those things which I largely fail, but I keep trying. For instance, I have a daily reminder to ‘say something nice’ or give a compliment. That causes me to stop and try to plan a moment to be complimentary.

Now that I have bared my soul a bit, the rest might make more sense. My long term goal is to reorganize the basement. I am probably over the half way point but I have hit a stall. While messing around with the turntable and stereo system, I set it up on a desk that I would like to get rid of. To get rid of it, I want to build a table for my office so the stereo system has a more permanent home.

Last week I was gone, next week I am going to be gone and now Christmas is coming and that is a manic time. I feel like I don’t have time to start a new project until the new year. This leaves me feeling restless and that kind of work is my therapy.

While travelling home last Friday, I finished my book with about half of the flight remaining. I watched most of Roadrunner: A film about Anthony Bourdain. One of his friends analysis was that when on the road, all he wanted to do was get home and when home, he wanted to get back on the road. He was restless because of the guilt of being gone and when home he had the wiring to do something else. Watching the documentary, I had no idea that we shared so many personality traits (besides those mentioned previously).

To make matters slightly worse, my idea of priority and my wife’s are different. She sees building a sofa table as something I want to do because I want it. Which I do not deny that I do, but I see it as a part of a much larger picture. She wants me to build a rack for the garage to more efficiently store kayaks. That I might point out is also another goal but in mind, that one will cost more money to do.

So, you can see my dilemma, between conflicting priorities and choppy schedules and my personality, I am pacing around with the free time I do have. I will do both and they will get done, I just need to get through this time. Part of what I have unsuccessfully tried to do while I am travelling is to plan for when I get back. I just haven’t been able to really effectively do that on business trips.

End Your Programming Routine: If it is not this project or this trip or this circumstance it is another. I need to continually balance my personality with the rest of life’s priorities and that is not easy. The best way that I have found to do it is to block small hours daily so I feel like I make progress on my projects while leaving time to cultivate relationships. I am going to try.

November 8, 2021 – Even Seasoned Travelers Make Mistakes

November 8, 2021 /

Here I am six hours early or is it two hours late? Well, to be honest it is the latter. I am dealing with old ideas and paradigms in a new world I guess. I used to be Delta Platinum when it was the highest tier and a Hilton Diamond member. That meant I spent a lot of time on the road.

I am travelling for the first time in three years for business or pleasure for that matter. My flight was at 6:15AM so I planned to be at the kiosk for check-in one hour early. It takes an hour and fifteen minutes to get from my house to the airport with no traffic. There is no traffic at the four AM hour.

What I didn’t count on was the check-in kiosk was broken. So, I tried four times before I switched to another kiosk. By that time ten more people got in line before me and I only packed to check my luggage. By the time I got to the counter, I was too late to check my bag on the flight because there is a forty-five minute cut-off (which is new) and they would not send my bag on another flight (which was also new).

Fortunately, I am flying to a hub airport and there are additional flights throughout the day. With my new job, I have to book through a travel portal and I didn’t see later flights as an option otherwise I would have forgone waking up at three in the morning. So that is something else new I learned on this trip.

Sometimes with flights this early, I would choose to stay at a hotel where the cost of and overnight stay was equal to the cost of parking for the week. That way I was only a fifteen minute ride to the airport. I completely forgot about that option and I am kind of weirded out by how constrictive the rules and travel policies are so I am trying to be conservative in my spending. Plus, I would have had to book it on the front end.

I have slept through a flight before but I have never been at the airport not quite on time. This formula for leaving and time is the same one that I have always used but I didn’t count on the environmental changes. Probably, I am out of practice as well and a few minutes here or there was just unforgiveable.

Today is a travel day anyway. It kind of screwed up my afternoon plans to meet my boss face to face for the first time but I have no other commitments. I will cross security at some point in the next hour to hopefully find some breakfast and then wait five more hours. I have always said that I am willing to be late leaving, coming home is another story.

I suppose I didn’t need to check my bag on this trip. It is only four days. My standing rule of thumb is I only carry on if I am travelling first class or with a group of people that are also only carrying on. Why? I think it is a huge hassle at security and I am not really time constrained waiting for baggage. I find trying to get overhead space a pain and my company is paying the baggage fee anyway. Plus, I can bring items on checked bags that I can’t carry on and that is the real reason.

End Your Programming Routine: What did I learn? I need to add another half an hour to check my bag. It probably wouldn’t hurt to check-in online ahead of time so I can skip that step and go directly to the drop-off. I also need to seriously consider going carry-on only. These are all reasons I dread air travel. It has no magic for me and I am proud to say that I have no status with any airline, hotel or rental company anymore. Those perks are nice when you live a miserable life on the road, I am happy here. I just need to realize that things change.

November 4, 2021 – What Has Changed Since the Ice Storm in February

November 4, 2021 /

Yesterday, I had a conflict that left me away from home a large part of the day. I am also going to be travelling for business next week and I am not sure that I want to take a second laptop or not. Since I cant get this to work on iOS, I may be AWOL next week.

February 16, 2021 I wrote about lessons from a winter storm. One of my biggest holes were things related to energy. I didn’t have a lot of supplemental heat for comfort or electricity to protect my freezers for an extended outage. March 31, 2021 I wrote about the shortage of everything which now seems to be common knowledge. The linkage between those two was that I was having a hard time finding fuel storage namely propane tanks and fuel cannisters.

It wasn’t until mid-summer that I saw both of them come back. When they did, they weren’t at the prices they were before they were gone for months. So, as a good prepper watch the availability and price and buy when both are optimal and not needed.

The propane is flexible. With my little heater, it can run on 40 hours per cylinder. I also have adapters that can run the stove and other things. Combine this with my kerosene restocked (around 200 hours) and the fireplace we have way more supplemental heat potential.

I have been buying gas cans when they go on sale. This is to power the new generator that we have which was unfortunately part of Olivia’s inheritance. I really don’t have a clue about runtime here, but the strategy is all about rotation. The idea is to store the gasoline up to one year and then pour it into the vehicle and replace it. I have enough gas to swap it out every two months throughout the year.

Looking a little more long term, I still have on my list a couple more items. One is another inverter for converting vehicle power into energy. The idea is to have one inverter per vehicle so that they can be used as makeshift generators. I would also like to add a suitcase type generator because they are light and portable.

Also, I would like to build up a better supply of firewood as well. But, since we mostly burn in our firepit, most of my supply is actually garbage. Meaning, I largely burn off cuts and smallish branches from pruning. I am on the look-out for some inexpensive wood supply That takes planning and effort, so that will largely be an opportunity where I have the time to do it.

When thinking about a longer term outage, there are other considerations. For instance maintenance. The generator that we have was supposed to have the oil changed after five hours and then every hundred hours afterward. I am pretty sure the first change never happened and supplies are needed to run as long as you have fuel. I drained the fuel and then changed the oil so it should be ready to go.

End Your Programming Routine: “Two is one and one is none” is the preparedness mantra. In many cases I had one or none when the ice storm hit when it came to energy. Now, I am in the space of one at least. Flexibility and options rule the day when the cards are down. Fortunately, we have largely been fortunate when it comes to power outages over the years, As the saying goes, Fortune Favors the Prepared.

November 2, 2021 – Why I Continue to Hunt When My Success Rate is Near Zero

November 2, 2021 /

Over the years, I have shot three deer. If I started when I was eleven and now I am forty-six, that is thirty five years of buying tags and two of those were when I was still living at home. To be fair, I only hunted one year in college and I took a multi-year hiatus while I was getting settled.

I have always had an exploratory heart. I often wonder about the road that takes off the highway and goes off into the unknown. I fanaticize that this is some secret access point into the woods that no one knows about. But it goes even deeper than that. Today, I am sharing some of the things I saw last weekend to justify why I feel this way.

Have you ever seen spawned out salmon? Me neither. It is not super clear but the picture above is two dead salmon that have finished their lifecycle. They were born in this stream, went to the ocean for several years and came back to reproduce. Once that happens, they die. They were probably 24″ long. In fact, as I looked across the creek, I saw probably twenty of them in this one spot.

Pictured above is the Elderberry fruit. Normally, they are ready to pick around Labor day and it is highly unusual to see them this late in the year. Elderberry is high in Vitamin C and is prized in herbal medicine for it’s immune boosting properties. Outside of that, it is used for jelly, syrups and brewing adjuncts. Some day I want to pick a bunch of this and do something special.

How about a hiking trail in the middle of nowhere? At this point, I could lead someone to this spot, but to be able to provide directions would be nearly impossible. Roads in these areas are cryptically marked and there is a patchwork of tribal, timber company and public land. I don’t think this is the beginning of the trail because there is no parking, I pulled off the road to snap this picture. Who knows if it goes somewhere interesting.

The difference between private timberland and public land is stark. Above is a slash pile resulting from a thinning operation. That pile will likely be burned in the coming weeks. In fact, I saw multiple active burns while I was up there. Policy since the 1990s on public land has essentially left it to grow wild. In this area that is a patchwork of public and private you go from dark woods to very open and actively managed forest land.

End Your Programming Routine: Friday is the end of deer season. Saturday is opening elk season for some areas near me. In all of my years hunting, I have never seen elk during the deer season so I don’t bother getting a tag. The elk season only lasts for one week anyway. As I close out this year, I know that I haven’t put a ton of effort into being successful but I feel like I had some new experiences. I went down some new roads and have a better feel for what I want to see next year.

October 15, 2021 – That’s Not a Knife

October 15, 2021 /

It’s Friday and maybe a day for some humor.

For some unknown reason, my in-laws were overly influenced by infomercials. We have seen the copper pans, the Emeril Pasta & Beyond, the Sweepa (buy one, get one free) to name a few. I think buyers regret sometimes set in and then we were the recipients of ‘gifts’. One time, my father in law bought was a whole lot of cheap knives.

I subscribe to the buy once, cry once mantra. It is why I have a 2003 pickup that I have owned since it was new and a paid off 2010 vehicle. I plan to get the most out of them. When it comes to tools and gear, I look to the premium side first because I think you get what you pay for. I should also say that I am big on value as well. If something at $20 is 90 percent as good as something that is $200, I am going to side on the value proposition in most cases.

I am sorry to say that knives made in Pakistan don’t make my definition. They were poorly built out of poor materials. I knife is not just a knife. It needs to take and hold an edge to be effective. While these may resemble knives, they don’t do either. To top it off, there were fifty of them. In that lot were some that were extra special, like below.

That’s right. I have a sword that came out of that lot of knives. I can’t remember the exact transaction or timing, but one day my father-in-law brought this over and said that I was to give it to one of my kids one day. It has been a number of years ago now, maybe ten.

Now, this is not a jab at my father-in-law or even my relevant disgust for As Seen On TV habit. I do intend to give it to one of my kids, because it was his wish. And, I cant wait to do it. I am sure it would hurt to get hit by it and I think it could do some damage. But, it is not sharp other than the tip. I think that it is cast aluminum, not even steel. The whole thing is heavy and awkward.

About eight months ago, two people were killed in this very town with a sword. A very strange and bizarre situation were three men were high and got in an argument, somehow two ended up dead. There were little terms of details released about this to the media. Those were the first two murders I have heard of in the sixteen years I have lived here. That is to say that violence is pretty rare.

End Your Programming Routine: So, I have talked about cheap knives and murder, where is the humor? I guess the humor is getting a white elephant out of the blue, which happens to be a sword which links to the two stories together. I do think that he genuinely thought this was a worthy endeavor. For now, I am the custodian of the transaction and my son can do as he chooses when he is old enough to take possession.

October 4, 2021 – Let the Pictures Speak

October 4, 2021 /

This was my view when I woke up yesterday morning. You are looking at Mt. Thielson in central Oregon. As I said on Friday, I was going fishing last weekend with my family. Because of Covid, because of everything that went on this summer, because of some philosophical differences I have with my wife, this was the first and probably only family campout of the year.

Nearly everything was perfect, nearly. The only thing that wasn’t great was the fishing but it was OK in that we caught some fish. The weather was in the mid-seventies, the lows were above the freezing. The wind was light and the company was nice.

A little bit about my philosophical differences with my wife. We both enjoyed camping when we met. It is just that her idea was a camp ground that required showers and bathrooms with running water. I would say that I am not entirely opposed to that concept but there are so many beautiful and new experiences that we could do that are limited by that criteria. Over the years our necessities grew as well and required a trailer or second vehicle to haul everything that I get burned out just packing.

I suspect that at some point, there will be an RV in our future. With that, there are definitely more creature comforts and hopefully less packing to get out the door. I would also like an RV from the standpoint that it makes it easier to enjoy some of these places like I was this weekend without the constraints of running water required.

My goal this time was to be light and agile. I did bring some extra stuff like my hunting pack (just in case) and camp chairs (and the dog which was easier than finding someone to watch her). We only brought no cook or freeze dried meals which made cleanup easier and cooking faster, so we could spend more time fishing.

You can see my biggest freshwater fish I think that I have ever caught. I measured it at 16″. That is on the dinner menu tonight. That was the only fish I caught. Unfortunately, my son didn’t catch a fish. I think all told, our party caught around twelve in the duration of the trip from Thursday to Sunday. Not great when you consider the limit of (5×3)4 + (2*5)2 = 80 possible. But hey, I said my favorite kind of fishing was the one I was doing, and that is the truth.

End Your Programming Routine: As I said on Friday, I have passed up too many opportunities to spend time with my family because I have been ‘too busy’. I suspect that if I was not a single parent and not blocked it on the calendar, I probably would have found an excuse to miss this one as well. I am very happy that I made the effort to make part of the trip even though it was a lot of work. I hope that I can get my act together so that this will happen again in the future.

October 1, 2021 – It is Opening Weekend of Deer Season and I am Going Fishing

October 1, 2021 /

Let’s hope that caps the week of food with more food. When I was a kid, I was so excited for opening weekend of deer season. When I was a teenager, I used to dream of when I was older, I could spend more time in the woods. Now that I am here, I hope to get out once in the season. This isn’t going to be the weekend for hunting but I will spend some time with my family fishing.

I talked about this a few weeks ago when I was talking about the decline of the outdoorsman. While my dad didn’t spend months straight in the woods, we did split hunting and fishing about equally. He always has owned a boat and we would go out at least once a year. He would take a fishing trip with his friends usually around Father’s Day. We used to go salmon fishing as kids. So, I like fishing too.

Since my dad has retired, we have been applying for draw tags in eastern Oregon. We get them about every three years. Since we won last year, this year we didn’t and decided to go fishing instead. I have applied every year for the last ten years. But I have only gone one time even though we have gotten tags three times. We did get his rifle sighted in last Friday however.

When I left my job in South Carolina, I moved back to Oregon and joined the company that my dad had worked his entire career. I remember talking with my uncle and he said “That’s great. Now you can have lunch together every day.” I remember feeling a little guilty that I barely saw him, let alone had lunch. And to some degree, I carry some of that guilt today. We live about twenty minutes apart and yet it will frequently be months in-between talking.

I do believe that the quote “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” applies here. But I can’t help and think that there isn’t something slightly wrong with me. If I get truly personal, I am overwhelmed by the size and volume of my wife’s family and when I am not in that I want my personal space.

The events over the last six weeks have definitely had an impact on me. I have seen my parents aging, I have seen the slight decline in physical ability and I know that the horizon is in view. It definitely has gotten me thinking about trying to spend more quality time while I have the chance to do it and I need to be more aware of the signs of decline.

My brother, dad and uncle left yesterday. Me being a single parent right now, I couldn’t swing the time off, I was hoping to leave tonight. but my kids have to play pep band at the football game tonight. So, we will have to settle for Saturday and Sunday. We didn’t do any family camping this year and I have never gone with my kids and without my wife but I am really looking forward to it.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t really care if we catch any fish although I think it is likely we will. The weather is supposed to be pleasant and I have a good time with that crew. The point of this is to spend some time together doing something we enjoy. It is looking like next weekend is out, but I am still going to get some time in the woods this season before it ends.

September 17, 2021- The Value of Local Business and Relationships

September 17, 2021 /

I talk about planning a lot. I am pretty good about planning my stuff, but I fail hard on planning for the relationship level. Mother’s Day, Valentines, Birthdays and Christmas are all things that I dread. I would guess that it is because I don’t have a lot of interest in those things personally. I could care less if I do anything different on my birthday or not. Others in my family think it is a national holiday.

I have been holding on to this story since June, I am not sure why but I thought that I would save it until I really needed an idea. I know that it was at least partially because I wanted to do the topic justice. I don’t think that is really today, but it seemed like a good day to use it.

I live in a small town. It is the kind of place that nearly everything is closed by 8pm. Maybe you can imagine what that looks like but often doesn’t leave a lot of options from a retail standpoint. I would best describe the environment like you can often find something that will work but may not be exactly what you want.

I am speaking about hardware, building supplies, sporting goods, clothing and electronics. I am sure that it applies to other things as well but these are the things that I am often in search of. I have definitely grown more accustomed to going directly online. But that doesn’t work well when you haven’t planned in advance, see paragraph one above.

June 1 was my mom’s birthday. Of course I wasn’t prepared so I thought that I would get some flowers. Little did I know the flower shop closed at 4pm and it was 4:15. Fortunately, we already have a non-business relationship and she was still at the shop. I suspect that she would have done it for most people but it at least made me feel like I got preferential treatment.

In building this relationship, I have also learned that how things are done matter. For instance, I have learned that ordering directly from the flower shop puts more margin in the owners direction. So, while you might pay the same ordering from the shop directly versus a national service when the owner does better on the sale, other things happen. I talk about this more at the end of this post.

I do try to give business in town when I can. Without patrons willing to frequent the business, they wont be there at all let alone limited hours. Sometimes I pay the extra 30-50% premium to do my part for the convenience. I should also mention the next bigger city is nearly half an hour away. You are trading time for money in many instances. Unless money is really tight, time is often much more valuable to me.

The second half of this equation is that relationships aren’t free. Of course there is the financial part of it but I am talking about the quid pro quo side. I agreed to transform a picture frame into a memory box by cutting some slots so slogans written on blocks of wood could be slid in for a daughters graduation/birthday party.

It probably took me two hours to do. I will say that I was way more careful than I would normally be because it wasn’t my frame to damage or mess up. But, that is a good lesson for me as well as I can be a little too casual sometimes and things don’t go the way that I think they should in my mind.

Getting back to the theme here. Sometimes the relationship occurs before the business or sometimes it is the other way around. When I was in college, I became friendly with a guy whose parents owned a Chinese restaurant. We did our fair share of buying meals, but usually we got something comped or brought out to sample as well. There were a couple of times that we were invited to the Chinese New Year dinner with the family. That was really cool.

I will throw in one last example. There was a local gas station that unfortunately developed a tank leak and had to be torn down for environmental cleanup earlier this year. He says the plan is to rebuild quickly, I hope so.

I was going to the station across the street because the price was the same and it was the easiest to get back on the road in the direction that I wanted to go. But several times, the attendant asked me to wait 15 minutes for their staff meeting (we do not have self-service gasoline in Oregon). After about the third time this happened, I left to the first station I mentioned and never went back.

I was one of his earliest repeat customers I am pretty sure because he had just purchased the station. Each time I would hand him my debit card he would take the time to read the name and thank me before I left. It wasn’t long and he knew my vehicle, what I wanted. This guy was a people person anyway and I noticed over the years people would pull into the station largely to talk.

He also employed local kids to work. But the real reason I kept going to buy my gasoline was that I began to notice his business was a frequent sponsor of youth sports teams, seasonal music etc. I have never seen the station across the street sponsor anything in this town. Even though I paid at least 10 cents per gallon more I made the choice to spend my money there because it was working harder at things that were important to me.

End Your Programming Routine: The point to all of this is that business can build relationship. And, when you have commerce with relationship that becomes community. Community is caring, the drive to belong and participate which allow both to business and relationship to thrive.

September 8, 2021 – The Book of John and Loving Like Jesus

September 8, 2021 /

It is hard for me to convey how difficult this time has been. It is not that I can’t do the job using words, but that I don’t want to get deeply into explaining the situation. It involves the feelings of loss and despair along with a history of conflict. But for context reasons I will provide an abstract summary below.

Let us just say that there is a significant person in my life that is struggling. There has been a history of conflict with this individual. As a result of the conflict, most people including children have distanced themselves to the point where they are unwilling to do much more than topical help. This person is at a point where help is necessary to function on a day to day basis.

To be 100% fair, this is not my burden to bear alone. In fact, I am a lessor party in this dynamic and it is more directly impacting my wife. The problem is that we are also having some issues related our differences. We have been seeing a counselor over the summertime to try and help. We know the problems, it is more about how to move beyond them.

In general, I am opposed to conflict. Intellectually I know that sometimes it is necessary, my issue is the frequency, intensity and root cause of the conflict. I understand that there is a give and take in a relationship. For the most part, I am ambivalent about a lot of things and then the problem is that I don’t have strong enough opinion leads conflict. For those reasons, I have been tempted to give up but for some reason God pulls me in.

This entire year, our church has been going through a series on the book of John. I didn’t give it much thought last fall when the series began. The truth is, sometimes I have a hard time with continuity because I would estimate that we attend 50% of Sundays. One time a month, we are at the church but teaching in the children’s area and missed the service altogether.

Not this year, with the sermons getting put onto podcast form, I can now listen at any point in the week. That has made me follow the progression more closely and it has also put more faith touchpoints in different parts of the week. Consequently, I have put more thought into the message and how it applies to my life.

If I am honest, there are times that I have not lived to the values that I aspire. Christians would label as ‘sin’ but I think a better descriptor would be ‘humanness’. It is not easy to engage in a situation that outside of your comfort level no matter how right it is supposed to be.

Let me cut to the chase, do you help someone significantly if you can’t stand to be around them and you are the only person willing to entertain the thought at this time? If I play devil’s advocate for just a second, the faith dichotomy comes to head. One end of the spectrum there is living like Jesus versus the god will provide belief.

My journey through this year has led me more to the former and living like Jesus. It is the reason that I made an attempt to resolve relationships with my brother in law. The thing that I did wrong was not trying to understand his perspective and stop having a relationship as a result. Despite doing that, I am under no illusion that there won’t be difficult times in our relationship in the future.

How else can you reconcile values versus action? By doing the difficult things because they are the right things to do is the only thing I know. Standing alone is difficult, it is thankless and it makes you question your decisions. But, I think that is the only way.

End Your Programming Routine: This situation is not all entirely my decision on how to proceed. So, I cannot say how it will ultimately play out. What I am trying to convey today is that regardless of the choice, the path is not easy. Additionally, I appreciate the opportunity to follow along in various forms of media to help me walk my walk. We can only get ‘better’ as humans by looking at our actions and striving to make corrections for the future.

August 30, 2021 – We Made it Through

August 30, 2021 /

I am all over the place this morning. It doesn’t happen very often, but today I completely scrapped what I initially wrote and started over. It was an emotionally and physically draining weekend with the funeral of my father-in-law Frank. I think part of my indecisiveness this morning has to do with the juxtaposition of feelings that multiple people have. I will try to explain.

Before the service, my wife was saying that she was feeling light headed and feint. This was after waking up with a headache and an upset stomach. I felt it was anxiety which she denied it but I know but having had all those symptoms related to anxiety myself, I am almost sure of it. Things calmed down a bit as we readied to get to the funeral home and arranged all of the memorabilia and prepared for the service, until my mother-in-law showed up.

She was a wreck, I had never seen her so despondent. She couldn’t walk without two people’s help, she couldn’t breathe, I don’t think that she was even aware of what was going on around her during the service. That was definitely anxiety. We weren’t even sure if my brother-in-law Juaquin was going to attend the service and he wasn’t on the docket to speak but he did. I don’t want to diverge too much, however there has been lots of strain between my brother-in-law and the rest of the family including my mother.

When I spoke to my wife August 13, I told her that after a prayer for the family, it was on my heart to try and reconcile with Juaquin. I knew that I wasn’t living my values by trying to block out my brother-in-law. As Frank was the family peacekeeper he was the one that always looked after his son and he would want that if at all possible. I decided that I would try to apologize and see if we could move past our differences but had not had a chance to do so yet.

As was customary for Juaquin, he wanted to have the last word and inserted himself into the program after all of the eulogy was completed while the service was in progress. He spoke the truth. The truth was that Frank did not have any desire for a bunch of fuss of a funeral. It was an angry kind of Malcolm-X like tone, nevertheless it was true. What was also true was that my wife also spoke truth. She spoke the words ‘were you hungry?’, ‘were you cold?’, ‘what do you need?’. This funeral was not for Frank, this was for his wife to appease the guilt of his death, it was for his family and friends to see him one more time.

There is still a lot of hurt and hangups here. There is misplaced blame of why and where and all that. Trust me, there is much more to the back story than I have relayed, but it is personal and inappropriate for me to write about. Unfortunately, all the plans post the funeral were changed because it was just too raw for some and we needed to spend time on healing. With that, we spent most of yesterday cleaning up and delivering leftover flowers to people that had attempted to help the family post the funeral.

End Your Programming Routine: I did say that I was sorry to Juaquin for the past and that I would like to move forward. He accepted it lukewarmly, I think that was about the best I could hope for and didn’t leave a lot of room for more than that. At least I can say that I will try to be more empathetic and look through his eyes before judgement and typecasting.