Category: Christianity

December 12, 2023 – Using Our Gifts

December 12, 2023 /

If you listened to my podcast on Wednesday last week then you would know that there has been tragedy in the extended family. I still don’t know many details and if or when I do, I am not sure that I am going to reveal them here. Today is not about that but because of that.

Now, a quick timeline of events for context. November 28th (Monday) I finished work and had a doctor’s appointment. I went up to remind my wife and she asked me to pick up our niece from elementary school. Her daycare was closing early because of an accident to her child. The next day, I only worked a few hours because it was my grandmother’s funeral. My wife stayed back with her family. I called in late afternoon to check-in, I was going to go out to eat with my family after all of the services. My wife said ‘It is bad… really bad. He didn’t make it, in fact it wasn’t an accident but he was shot to death.’

By the time I came home from dinner, my wife was drinking with her cousin. This one event spun her into an emotional free for all. I would say that she was paralyzed by sadness and empathy for the remainder of the week. I don’t know why God made her the way that he did. I also don’t know why God made me the way that I did. I felt dull and detached but I couldn’t empathize with paralyzing grief,

I am no good in these situations. I could be the one delivering the news in a non-emotional manner, not the one comforting people that are nearly out of their minds. I don’t know what to say. Is it appropriate to touch? Should I converse or stay aloof? What if I say the wrong thing? I have no problem with small talk, but I feel like this is not the place or situation for such things. I just don’t know, you might say that I am paralyzed by human interaction.

I do know that God gave me the gift of action though. I took action on building a roadside cross. It is now painted white and waiting until we are informed of the actual site (that information is being withheld as part of the investigation). I wanted a wood that would last as close as forever so I had a cedar railing post that I have held onto for 15 years.

I did all the joinery and built it with care. I don’t want anyone thinking that I didn’t put my full talent and energy into my form of contribution. I filled the gaps and sanded it smooth. I wanted the cross to be as perfect as I could make it. Finally, I spray painted and painted and painted some more until the surface was glossy smooth.

End Your Programming Routine: God made us different so that we could be the best at whatever gift he gave us. I am not the worlds best woodworker but I also could focus on building this piece of peace without the emotional torment that others had. And I suppose that if we were all the comforting type, who would be there to build the cross? So, I will end where I started. I don’t know why I am the way I am but I hope that the way I am can bring it’s own comfort.

June 28, 2023 – Happy 25th Anniversary to Us

June 28, 2023 /

In 1998, it was hard to imagine what 25 years in the future would look like. Did I have an inkling of all the hills and valleys in the journey? I mean, everyone has their own versions of perspective. My struggles are just molehills compared to others while my celebrations may seem pedantic. Today I am blessed to celebrate my 25 year wedding anniversary.

I picked this song as one of the descriptions of our courting and early marriage. I always thought that it was a perfect story for her, but I didn’t quite get the mirror that I was holding up. She is such a passionate person that I could feel the hurt and blessing that not following paths would lead. But you know that when looking at something in the mirror, it is always the opposite of what you are seeing in the glass.

Early in the Bible, in fact Genesis 2 says: “23And the man said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of man she was taken.” 24For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. “

Last year was my ‘come to Jesus moment’, literally. I don’t just believe in parts of the bible, but the whole thing. Exodus 20:12 says “Honor your father and mother.” How can I obey the Lord’s commandments but side with my wife? I am referencing the whole familial struggle of my mother-in-law dying and having to kick her out of my property last summer. That is not honor.

When it comes right down to things, I always thought that there would be me and us. We can be our own individuals for part of the day and then come together daily (or whatever the frequency). Maybe I am dense but that is how I saw my happy ever after. As long as I deferred things I wanted to do to prioritize us or made time each day, then I would be good. I still didn’t take in the one flesh part of the equation.

The other thing that I really struggle with is the situation where I think it is fine but the other person does not. That plays to my advantage in many cases. It allows me to pursue what I consider the proper course of actions in business or morality. That being said, it doesn’t come without consequences. And those consequences are strong when we are trying to act as one flesh. What happens when I believe one way as an individual but another as a married partner?

You know what? Prayer is the answer. I prayed hard about how to handle supporting my wife by severing the relationship with my mother-in-law. I wanted to do it badly, but I didn’t want to intentionally break a commandment. I think that the answer is really the first part of verse 24. “…Man will leave his father and mother…”. It is not the act of leaving to jump from one situation to the next but that they will actually transform into one by commitment to each other. God told me that I needed to support my wife.

Clearly, I still struggle with my individualism. It is not something that changes overnight. Left to my own devices, I could be very happy with me and us. But, I am not living in my bubble. To my wife’s credit, she is the one that is the fighter. I would say that she starts most of the fights, but she also finishes them.

In a short 25 years, she has battled exotic, fatal diseases, built a respected career and mostly raised two boys and severely impacted the lives of others raising kids that are not ours. Through all of it there was love. What right do I have to want to be myself? And more so than that, what right do I have to not be one with a god driven person? The answer is none.

Since I am not am clearly not a romantic, I want to say that I appreciate and value the things that I am not. While I don’t want to be a romantic, my wife does. We are Yin and Yang which makes many things extremely difficult. Even simple decisions like what to make for dinner can sometimes be painful. I have learned that each one of these encounters are a way to practice being one. I am often not successful or good at it, but I get to try again.

Marriage is hard and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is not hard as in physically hard or even mentally hard. It is hard because to be serious and godly you have to give up the person that you thought you were in that transformation to be one. It is a huge leap of faith to leave behind what you know is right to go in a direction that you are tentative at best.

At such a young age, you can tolerate anything for a number of years, like school. I am not trying to get existential but forever is forever. When the calendar moves past ten years, the realization that those little things aren’t going to change and they start to move from annoying to resentment. It takes work to change those things. Both with your partner and yourself. That is hard. That is ending your programming.

I know that is sounds like I am mostly glass half full here. Despite that, I am trying to convey that this is a two way street and I use half of it. So while I have talked about the challenges, there were many a good time. We actually do pretty well together when it is just us on a getaway or us against the world.

End Your Programming Routine: In the song, Garth prays for one thing but got another because God knows what we need even if we do not. I got a free spirited, social and empathetic person because those are all the things I am not. I also got a loving, forgiving and patient person. Guess what… not those either. We will all have to wait until the end of our song but “I guess God knows what he is doing afterall”.

March 1, 2023 – Formaldehyde Christianity

March 1, 2023 /

As with anything personal and a situation involves more than myself, I don’t think that it is appropriate to go deep into the details. It’s not that I am scared to reveal some deep, dark secrets, but it is a matter of respect and decency for all parties involved. I certainly wouldn’t appreciate it if someone wrote publicly about my perceived issues.

That being said, my wife and I are trying to do a weekly, Christian based bible study. As strange as this sounds, it has led to a lot of intense conflict. If I try to summarize it, I suppose that an exuberance to implement new changes or techniques. This is difficult for me and could be construed as abrasive and confrontational as well as feeling of inadequacy. Both sides have feelings about what is, what could be and how to approach that.

The main passage for the week is Ephesians 5: 31-33 (NIV).

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The premises of the week are

  1. Marriage is God’s gift for me
  2. My spouse is not my enemy
  3. I must renew my commitment to the permanency of marriage
  4. The purpose of marriage is to glorify God

Due to the week we have had, I have some doubts that I need to resolve. How can every marriage be a gift from God? Is it really only marriages rooted in faith or truly all of them? I think that we have all known people that married for the wrong reasons. And if so, how do you reconcile the word of God versus reality?

This is my problem with the church at large. They are great a highlighting these things we should do and preaching about how to conduct ourselves in the situation but they never reconcile the real tough issues. As and example, when is turning the cheek or loving your neighbor to all extremes really putting up with abuse? It is those kinds of inflection points that I never get out of sermons.

Maybe I am just a bad follower and I should always put my faith in God. But, then I think about those extreme ‘faith healer’ type stories and I just have to believe that proper faith requires us to action, not just pray that ‘God will fix it’. You see what I mean?

I woke up early on Sunday, 3AM. My first thought was that it was really raining and I had unplugged the sump pump because we had significant freezing weather. That always causes the remaining water in the drain pipe to freeze and then when the pump comes on it deadheads, often blowing the flex connection and spraying water everywhere. Once I was up, I knew that I needed to deal with my issues through faith and internally. I did what I am often doing on the weekends, head out to the shop. This time, there was no TV or radio or podcasts. It was my woodworking and myself, thinking and praying.

Some would say that to have a clear and proper prayer time, it needs to be quiet and focused. I always find myself at least pacing when there are heavy things to resolve. I find for myself some menial, physical activity is best. I wasn’t operating machinery or anything but chopping and chiseling (for hours). I don’t know if I got it all out, but it was time to come in and shower for my son’s birthday party.

I actually didn’t think about the fact that it was Sunday and I turned on the radio. The AM station I have it tuned to plays six or so hours of different sermons and one was on. I knew immediately that God was answering my prayer. The sermon was on how doubt, properly researched to the end actually builds faith using the story of Doubting Thomas and the resurrection of Christ.

John 20: 27-29 (NIV)

27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” 28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” 29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

I didn’t note the pastor speaking because I am a casual Sunday listener, but I listened intently to the whole half an hour. Formaldehyde Christianity is the result of growing up in the church and being around faith your whole life without really being tested. It is faith that is always there preserved but not alive. Not doubting and not questioning leads us to blind faith which is probably just as dangerous as zealous faith.

It was very clear that the message for me is that I need to keep asking questions and working on my faith and my marriage. I also have no doubt that God was telling me that he heard me and that sermon at that moment was for me to feel good that it is OK to pursue the answers. But, I think that he was also telling me that I need to trust the process, not to get hung up in grammar or syntax.

End Your Programming Routine: Ultimately, I didn’t resolve my fundamental question but the truth is, it doesn’t matter. I now know re-reading what I wrote and re-reading what the course said that I missed the two words “for me” in the in the first premise. It doesn’t matter whether the dogma is accurate or said another way, all marriages are a gift from God; mine should be treated as such because this is the gift for me. Regardless of whether I perceive some injustice, I also need to own that I am not perfect here either. Because I was erroneously hung up on premise 1, I failed 2-4 this week when we were struggling to effectively communicate. Thanks God for the reminder of humility and ultimately I owe my spouse an apology.

October 29, 2022 – When Your Legacy is Conflict and Hurt

October 29, 2022 /

This is a special Saturday morning edition. I have some quiet time to really go deep into my thoughts. Two days ago, my mother-in-law passed away. It was sudden and it was unexpected although not surprising given that she had terminal cancer and was nearing the end. This event opened the door for people to behave poorly. Out of nowhere, I got a text message.

It is almost like, they bit their lip while she was alive because how they felt about the situation, not necessarily my mother-in-law. The ironic thing is that I prayed for all of those involved shortly before receiving this because I knew that there was hurt and pain.

I am not going to say that I am holier than thou, because I am not. There are certain people that I would like to punch in the face if I saw them on the street right now (figuratively). Then, I push my feelings to god and go about another couple of hours until the next wave comes again.

Yesterday morning, I was reading the news headlines. The implication of the article is that without moderation, there will be a lack of civility on Twitter. And to a large degree I believe that will be true. But, is it right? Do we have the right to be ignorant? Do we have the right to not be offended? Do we have the the responsibility to judge other’s intent simply for civility?

Despite all that has happened, I never have never thought that these people didn’t have the right to feel the way that they do nor speak their mind. I am not a proponent of hate speech but I am also not a proponent of censorship, even when it is threatening.

There is a saying that “your right to free speech ends at my nose”. This implies, say what you want but that doesn’t give you the right to do anything physical. I am self-aware. I already know that they do not want us around. The fact that I am unwilling to engage or give them an audience allows them to invent whatever fantasy fits their narrative.

Listening to the radio a couple of days ago, I was reminded of the nursery rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. We used to say that as kids in the 1980s. The truth is, words do hurt at least a little bit. A build up or barrage leads to self doubt or at the very least. Unfortunately, we have become a fragile society and want someone else to stop or filter what we don’t want to see or deal with.

What is truly sad is that rather than writing a memorial, my mother-in-law’s legacy is hurt, anger and conflict. People that think that they know the situation have no idea about our truth. Many people have done this exercise. It is the picture that either shows a young woman or an old woman (actually it shows both). This is literally the same picture and people immediately see one thing.

History is a set of facts written or interpreted with a biased perspective. It could be pioneers prospered in the west or it could be our society was wrecked and our land taken. Both are interpretations and presentation of the same set of facts. Of course I am upset about what has been said to my wife and her sister (and me). I also have to assume that I also do not know our aggressor’s set of facts or total intent. Just like I don’t appreciate being judged, I will refrain from doing the same thing any further.

I will say this: what I know as ‘facts’ are all first hand information. I was there and I was involved in the situation. That is my solace and truth.

End Your Programming Routine: I am not going to predict that things will not continue to be ugly. What I do believe is that people that react this viscerally to any situation will likely get redirected to the next shiny thing. With time and separation, it won’t be worth their effort. God, give me the strength to act in your image and represent my beliefs.

March 29, 2022 – The Straw That Broke the Camel’s Back

March 29, 2022 /

I tried to do some research on the origin of the phrase and I couldn’t really suss out the meaning. I was trying to derive the significance of the Camel to the phrase. I did find out that this idiom has a long history which dates back to the 1700s and it has several variations from straw to feather and camel to donkey. It would appear that this is indicating a load bearing animal and it is one item too much.

Originally, I thought that I was going to title this the ‘fall that broke the camel’s wrist’ as a play on words for reasons that will become obvious later in this post. I was thinking that the camel was a stubborn animal and that it was more than just a plain, gruesome act. But it doesn’t seem so.

To say the least, this has been a difficult time since my father-in-law has died. I have written about this a little bit and for obvious reasons, not explicitly. To state it bluntly, my mother-in-law is dying, not capable of caring for herself and refusing to accept the situation. This has caused a strained relationship with her children and has driven wedges between my own marriage.

This is just a small flavor but she paid a down payment on a puppy. The children all agreed that this is a bad idea. My wife even spoke to the owner of the puppy not to sell the dog to a person that is living in a travel trailer and cannot walk more than a few yards un-assisted. I am sure we can all use our heads on what the possible problems are here. This lead to a huge blow-up where my wife blocked her mom and I had to become the middleman in constant conversation for two weeks. The words were nasty and hurtful.

That situation came to an end two weekends ago. They were all supposed to stay in a beach house for a week. My wife wanted nothing to do with her. My sister-in-law and her family didn’t want anything to do with her. I was supposed to drive my mother-in-law to the beach house but I couldn’t get ahold of her. A few hours later, I got a call that she had fallen and possibly broke her wrist. She was in the ER, already at the coast.

I told my wife and she unblocked her to communicate in the situation. They ended up spending the planned four days at the beach but that wasn’t easy either. I had multiple phone calls about how my mother-in-law was behaving and I don’t have words. I prayed.

I am not claiming to have a command of the best Christian behavior. Quite frankly, I would just as soon not have anything to do with her either. It would make my life a lot easier. But, that is not the way of Jesus. I certainly didn’t want to be the middleman or even try to get deeper into the situation. But, this is a time of need and our my beliefs would tell me to forgive the sinner.

I think that the broken wrist has made a thaw in the relationship. For one thing, we moved her into our apartment last weekend. The travel trailer is getting moved before the first and it will likely be her last night there. I haven’t had a direct conversation specifically, but I think it was a wakeup call that today is the best day that there will be.

Fifteen years ago, before podcasts I used to listen to Dave Ramsey a lot. One of his recommended books was Boudaries. I never got around to reading this book but I maybe it is not too late. I think we could all use some help in this situation.

End Your Programming Routine: From my observation, this is the reverse of raising a teen. They are trying to resolve the desire to become more grown-up and yet not quite ready. This situation is trying to get the person to realize that they cannot do the things they did even a year ago. It is hard and we have no legal standing to stop it in most cases. Keep all of us in your prayers.

February 28, 2022 – Running Out of Words

February 28, 2022 /

No, I don’t mean that I am quitting. You will have to read to get to the punchline today. First, we have a long and winding path to get there, so let’s get started.

Valentine’s Day is over, so what is next for merchandizing? Why Easter of course. What does this have to do with anything? I am getting there.

When I first met my wife, I was introduced to something that I don’t see often. It is tradition called cascarón. This is where you save your egg shells be used for Easter. Essentially, you try to preserve as much of an intact eggshell by cracking off one end of the egg. You want to build up a large inventory of egg shells for coloring and filling.

This is where it get’s fun. Some of the shells are filled with confetti, flour or oatmeal and some might be filled with money and occasionally, there might even be a raw egg! What you do is run around and crack them on peoples heads. We hide them with traditional Easter eggs and then inevitably wait to get cracked. If you want to participate in this tradition, now is the time to start building up your inventory of eggshells.

You should know by now, I am going to take this a lot deeper. One of my first Easters with my Wife’s family was in 1995. We were going to school over 200 miles away and of course it was a school weekend and we had little means to travel so they came to us for the day. They brought the cascarones.

My wife was living in a townhouse with several exchange students. One of them was Japanese and this holiday was foreign. So, we invited her to join us for the meal and the Easter egg hunt. She brought a friend to the dinner whose name was Ai (also a Japanese exchange student).

After the dinner, and when it came to cracking eggs (by surprise is the best) they quickly caught on to what was likely going to happen. Ai got so freaked out that she ran to her bicycle and peddled away not to come back again that day. This was our Sophomore year and consequently my wife became really good friends with her Japanese roommate.

We have kept in contact with her roommate over all these years. Her roommate and Ai came to our wedding. Five years later, we all met at her roommate’s wedding in California. Ai studied theater in college and dreamed of Hollywood, which she pursued. Yesterday, Ai died of cancer.

We had heard that it was terminal a few months ago. In December, Ai left California to go back to Japan for her final days. To be honest, we weren’t nearly as close to Ai as we are to my wife’s roommate and dealing and our own demons concerning cancer, it was out of sight and out of mind. But, it hits that this was someone who we know that left us too early.

My wife deals with strong survivor’s guilt. She had a coworker who was our age and kids are the same age that died of cancer a few years ago, that was hard. They had even done chemotherapy at the same time. Then she had another friend who was younger than us by probably ten years die a couple years ago, that was worse. It feels like we know too many people battling and losing to cancer way too young.

I know, this is being hypervigilant. I see it one place and my eyes are open to where else it could be. But, I also can’t help but wonder what God is telling me in this situation. Not just me either, for people with survivor’s guilt as strongly as my wife’s what can she get out of the situation? Is there a message here, am I trying to make a connection that doesn’t exist or is this a fact of life that now I am getting older the probability to bad endings happen in life?

I talked about the neighbor kid that is battling last week, my mother-in-law is in her second year of treatment, people that are in my inner circle are in the fight of their lives. I’ve gone through it with my wife too. Compassion and empathy are some of my weaker areas for sure. I think I have them, but it is really difficult to express them adequately. Maybe that is what God is trying to tell me?

Yesterday in church, the sermon was conceptually about making the most of a situation (not necessarily dying). What can you do with what you have. The question of the bucket list came up. I had never really given it much thought because I have never created one. At least for me, I came down to goals and achievements are for the living. I don’t really have a traditional bucket list because I think that when that time comes, I wont want to have a final bunch of experiences before I die. I think the point of making the most of the situation actually means living before dying.

End Your Programming Routine: Of course, we are all going to face the inevitable. There is no doubt that if we live long enough, we will see our fair share of tragedy – however we define it. I suppose that I can consider myself lucky not having to witness something like the holocaust or to be born into slavery. With all things, it is not how we handle the acute situation, but the aftermath that is going to make the difference.

February 23, 2022 – I am Interrupting This Series in Brewing…

February 23, 2022 /

Stuff happens. No one plans to get cancer, especially when the person is a child. Whether you are in middle school or middle age, health disruptions suddenly supersede any plans you have in life.

My son has a friend that was diagnosed with cancer last week. They are the same age and they live two blocks away. He has been over to my house many times sometimes for an hour or two and sometimes overnight. Even his siblings have spent time over here. This isn’t really an acquaintance, but someone that we know pretty well.

Speaking from experience, when you are in treatment your life is not your own. In 2010, my wife had a near death illness and in 2012 she was diagnosed with cancer. The severity of the tumor is graded on how treatable it is. In her case it was stage 4 (out of 5) meaning it was effecting multiple locations and was not possible to surgically remove.

I was pulling weeds in the garden one day, just kind of having some alone time. My wife was in the hospital and our pastor came by. He asked me how I was doing and what I thought about all of this. Since I had been through this once before, I knew the ropes with doctors, hospitals and all that. There was little fear about uncertainty of what the next few months of treatment would look like. The fear was really what the future would look like for me and two boys aged 4 and 6.

I told him, “After the last illness, I saw her faith and ability to appreciate life grow exponentially. I don’t think God’s lesson is for her this time. I think this is for the other people in her life, like me”. I won’t say that I turned the switch on exactly at that moment, but I will say that I started removing excuses in my life to change my ways in faith.

In my mind, I grew up attending church every week. As I moved out of the home, I knew my beliefs and I wasn’t opposed to church but nothing we tried really felt comfortable. I justified that I was well adjusted in faith because I spent every Sunday as a youth in church. As a result, I realized that believing is one thing but worship and congregation are part of the deal as well. That is super tough for me because I find it uncomfortable but you cannot reach your full potential as a closet Christian.

Consequently, there is no such thing as a perfect denomination. What is more important is getting plugged in and keep an open mind. I don’t 100% agree with everything my church does, but I can’t say that it is wrong on theology. It is more about the approach and my comfort level and what I would prefer. Quite frankly, I think being challenged and uncomfortable is actually healthy in faith.

I hate to admit this but sometimes I wish that I had been the one that got cancer and survived. I wish that I had the ability to appreciate things in the same lens as someone that see’s life as a gift. As much as I can empathize with the family on the support side of the treatment, as of now I cannot have the same level of appreciation as a survivor. Let me be clear, it is not that I want it, I just will not have the same level of understanding.

A few nights ago, we went to a short prayer service for this teen that is starting his journey. It was informal and we really don’t know the prognosis. I don’t want to be the one that blows smoke by sharing my story and potentially provide false hope or sound somewhat gloating as I won the lottery on survival. I am not saying that it would be received that way either. However, I have this forum to say whatever I want to say. Maybe my writing gives someone a kickstart into finding the right course in life too.

End Your Programming Routine: This isn’t the only cancer story that is currently active in my life. It does happen to be the one that I am more hopeful for and the one that fits my story today. I don’t think that we need crisis or tragedy to change our ways. One thing that those situations do very well is galvanize where you stand and can easily push a person to one side or the other. I hope for the best here, I will stay tuned to where my lesson is in the journey.

November 25, 2021 – Happy Thanksgiving

November 25, 2021 /

I don’t often wear my Christianity on my sleeve but today I want to put it out there. We can be thankful for all the things we have and have done but I believe in putting the praise to my creator and savior. 

This has been a year of transition. I have been employed all year, some of it with Amazon and the majority with Cognizant. While I am not completely happy with what I am doing, I am grateful that I have a degree of stability and a solid income.

I am happy that my family is thriving. My wife continues to move beyond her health problems of ten years ago. Each one of my kids are becoming their own individuals and in a few short years will become independent. This trip to Texas is part of getting in our last bits of childhood and family as we know it.

I am happy to have this forum. While I haven’t done all the things I have hoped to have done, I find writing cathartic and a form of therapy. In some ways, I don’t know if I would enjoy podcasting as much. I do think that I will make an effort to try next year. While blogging may now be passé, I enjoy it. In some ways, I like the fact that there are few regular readers because it is like my own public journal. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sure that I would like making this my full time endeavor, it is little steps at time.

There is a phrase that says stability breeds complacency.  I know that to be true.  I was happier when I was free (read: unemployed) but I was scared and still am to a degree about the future.  I guess when I get to the end, I will know for sure whether I made the right decision.  My retirement account was drained to get us through those two years.  Now, I need to not only build it up but also make up for lost time. 

Was it worth it to essentially end up at the same place?  My going in plan was to build a business that could earn an income such that I could compensate for my future plans, more like passive income.  Since I have not exactly done that, there is a degree of uncertainty that follows me around.  I think that leads directly my next item to be thankful for.

Hopefully, we all continue to grow and I think this year my spirituality has grown. I have had a more intimate relationship where I have ‘heard’ things that I never had.  I always thought that I was open, but this year I have made attempts to reconcile and seek answers with prayer.  It feels right.

End Your Programming Routine:  I don’t know if this is true or not.  It was said that the pilgrims took a break to celebrate and praise God before the long New England winter.  They didn’t know if they would make it to the next year or not but they did what they could and hoped for the best, knowing that this life is only a vessel to the next.  That is Thanksgiving.  

October 1, 2021 – It is Opening Weekend of Deer Season and I am Going Fishing

October 1, 2021 /

Let’s hope that caps the week of food with more food. When I was a kid, I was so excited for opening weekend of deer season. When I was a teenager, I used to dream of when I was older, I could spend more time in the woods. Now that I am here, I hope to get out once in the season. This isn’t going to be the weekend for hunting but I will spend some time with my family fishing.

I talked about this a few weeks ago when I was talking about the decline of the outdoorsman. While my dad didn’t spend months straight in the woods, we did split hunting and fishing about equally. He always has owned a boat and we would go out at least once a year. He would take a fishing trip with his friends usually around Father’s Day. We used to go salmon fishing as kids. So, I like fishing too.

Since my dad has retired, we have been applying for draw tags in eastern Oregon. We get them about every three years. Since we won last year, this year we didn’t and decided to go fishing instead. I have applied every year for the last ten years. But I have only gone one time even though we have gotten tags three times. We did get his rifle sighted in last Friday however.

When I left my job in South Carolina, I moved back to Oregon and joined the company that my dad had worked his entire career. I remember talking with my uncle and he said “That’s great. Now you can have lunch together every day.” I remember feeling a little guilty that I barely saw him, let alone had lunch. And to some degree, I carry some of that guilt today. We live about twenty minutes apart and yet it will frequently be months in-between talking.

I do believe that the quote “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” applies here. But I can’t help and think that there isn’t something slightly wrong with me. If I get truly personal, I am overwhelmed by the size and volume of my wife’s family and when I am not in that I want my personal space.

The events over the last six weeks have definitely had an impact on me. I have seen my parents aging, I have seen the slight decline in physical ability and I know that the horizon is in view. It definitely has gotten me thinking about trying to spend more quality time while I have the chance to do it and I need to be more aware of the signs of decline.

My brother, dad and uncle left yesterday. Me being a single parent right now, I couldn’t swing the time off, I was hoping to leave tonight. but my kids have to play pep band at the football game tonight. So, we will have to settle for Saturday and Sunday. We didn’t do any family camping this year and I have never gone with my kids and without my wife but I am really looking forward to it.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t really care if we catch any fish although I think it is likely we will. The weather is supposed to be pleasant and I have a good time with that crew. The point of this is to spend some time together doing something we enjoy. It is looking like next weekend is out, but I am still going to get some time in the woods this season before it ends.

September 8, 2021 – The Book of John and Loving Like Jesus

September 8, 2021 /

It is hard for me to convey how difficult this time has been. It is not that I can’t do the job using words, but that I don’t want to get deeply into explaining the situation. It involves the feelings of loss and despair along with a history of conflict. But for context reasons I will provide an abstract summary below.

Let us just say that there is a significant person in my life that is struggling. There has been a history of conflict with this individual. As a result of the conflict, most people including children have distanced themselves to the point where they are unwilling to do much more than topical help. This person is at a point where help is necessary to function on a day to day basis.

To be 100% fair, this is not my burden to bear alone. In fact, I am a lessor party in this dynamic and it is more directly impacting my wife. The problem is that we are also having some issues related our differences. We have been seeing a counselor over the summertime to try and help. We know the problems, it is more about how to move beyond them.

In general, I am opposed to conflict. Intellectually I know that sometimes it is necessary, my issue is the frequency, intensity and root cause of the conflict. I understand that there is a give and take in a relationship. For the most part, I am ambivalent about a lot of things and then the problem is that I don’t have strong enough opinion leads conflict. For those reasons, I have been tempted to give up but for some reason God pulls me in.

This entire year, our church has been going through a series on the book of John. I didn’t give it much thought last fall when the series began. The truth is, sometimes I have a hard time with continuity because I would estimate that we attend 50% of Sundays. One time a month, we are at the church but teaching in the children’s area and missed the service altogether.

Not this year, with the sermons getting put onto podcast form, I can now listen at any point in the week. That has made me follow the progression more closely and it has also put more faith touchpoints in different parts of the week. Consequently, I have put more thought into the message and how it applies to my life.

If I am honest, there are times that I have not lived to the values that I aspire. Christians would label as ‘sin’ but I think a better descriptor would be ‘humanness’. It is not easy to engage in a situation that outside of your comfort level no matter how right it is supposed to be.

Let me cut to the chase, do you help someone significantly if you can’t stand to be around them and you are the only person willing to entertain the thought at this time? If I play devil’s advocate for just a second, the faith dichotomy comes to head. One end of the spectrum there is living like Jesus versus the god will provide belief.

My journey through this year has led me more to the former and living like Jesus. It is the reason that I made an attempt to resolve relationships with my brother in law. The thing that I did wrong was not trying to understand his perspective and stop having a relationship as a result. Despite doing that, I am under no illusion that there won’t be difficult times in our relationship in the future.

How else can you reconcile values versus action? By doing the difficult things because they are the right things to do is the only thing I know. Standing alone is difficult, it is thankless and it makes you question your decisions. But, I think that is the only way.

End Your Programming Routine: This situation is not all entirely my decision on how to proceed. So, I cannot say how it will ultimately play out. What I am trying to convey today is that regardless of the choice, the path is not easy. Additionally, I appreciate the opportunity to follow along in various forms of media to help me walk my walk. We can only get ‘better’ as humans by looking at our actions and striving to make corrections for the future.