My dear, dear son. We are so much alike and yet it seems like there are chasms between us. Our interest and capabilities are similar, our experience and feelings are similar and yet for some reason one is haunted while the other is content in our beings. He made this cleaver below. I went to put the dishes away and it was in the knife drawer with the note Happy Birthday on it. He even presented in a way that I would. In secret, without any fanfare.
Last week was a difficult week for us. I was busy trying to keep the household together while he was doubting his place and role in it. My birthday was a week ago but it really came and went. I made a Korean inspired dinner so that I could taste my kim chi. I have to say that it wasn’t quite as soft as I wanted but in many ways it was better than I hoped. I definitely preferred this one to many that I have tasted before.
I was worried about the heating system and that everyone had their physical needs met before we were iced in for a couple of days while he was iced in already. Since we really didn’t do much on my birthday, my wife suggested that we have a small dinner on Friday, ahead of the weather. I was focused on the best choice and getting the word out while he was already planning how he could avoid it all together.
I am not there, but I think that I had a very similar high school experience. My best friends were older than I was. And so, my senior year was a solitary one. I ate lunch by myself. I was a little lonely, but only from the perspective that I didn’t understand why I jived with people that were no longer around more so than my peers. It is not so much of a mystery really but it is hard to convey in words. I think that my propensity to get along with older people has served me well. My first boss being a World War II vet liked me very much and invested in my first seven professional years.
I don’t know how better to describe high school but trite. My era had people wearing baseball caps twisted with the tags hanging down and overalls clipped on one side. Talk about stupid. They were emulating the videos they saw on M-TV. It is no wonder I started listening to country music at that point. But at a deeper level, I can certainly understand not identifying with those people.
When you are not quite your own person and not self sufficient it is hard to squeeze into the crack of figuring out who and how you want to be. Even out of college, I struggled to become my own person. My parents didn’t do it intentionally (I don’t think) but in my head I was under their thumb and so therefore my decisions were clouded with how they would judge my decisions.
Now, it seems silly, but at the time it was real. I can’t get a job in college because my parents are paying for it. I can’t let them know that I am going to a bar. I can’t take that class, it is not serious enough. I can’t skip this class to do something I need to do. And on it goes. I get my son and we discuss gaps such as that. I do my best to empower him, but I can only go so far, It is up to him to take what is given.
I used to seek permission on many things, even at work. One day, I realized that if it is not illegal, immoral, against policy or something like that it was time to stop. Nobody needs to enable me to go above and beyond or improve something. That was a liberating moment even to the point that I am challenging the status quo on the other things as well now. Why is this policy in place that doesn’t make sense or I don’t agree with that stance because of X, Y , Z data.
You have to be careful with that way of doing business but it is part of becoming your own person. I think once that happens, then you become confident in who you are. And when you become confident, you become happier. When you become happier, you realize the proper perspective of all those other things were not worth the worry. That is where we need to take this conversation.
End Your Programming Routine: Of course, none of us are perfect. I am not and neither is my son. He ground and honed that edge, which took a lot of time and looks pretty good. The handle is a little more crude and made with pine, probably the wrong material for longevity and durability. It is just like our lives. Some things are worked and refined while other parts are dubious or inappropriate. We just need to keep practicing those elements that need work. Find another material, method, use another design or shape until we find something that works for us. The only way to do that is to keep trying.
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