Tag: What Are Boundaries

July 11, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapter 5-6

July 11, 2025 /

These are the last two chapters of part one. I am going to spend most of this post talking about chapter five rather than six, for reasons that I will explain when we get there. The author’s rightly claim that to be successful in any endeavor, you must know ‘the rules’ of the game. Chapter five is all about the ten rules of boundaries.

I will quickly list the ten rules below.

  1. Sowing and reaping
  2. Responsibility
  3. Power
  4. Respect
  5. Motivation
  6. Evaluation
  7. Proactivity
  8. Envy
  9. Activity
  10. Exposure

I don’t really feel like duplicating the work already printed in this chapter. It is redundant and I am not any sort of expert in the topic. In case you are not reading the book, it is probably worth putting some definition on each of these rules. It also helps me remember in two or three years what this book was all about. I do that sometimes.

  • Sowing and reaping – This is pretty evident what it means. The one thing that struck me as unique is that sometimes people do not reap what they sow because someone else does it instead, see responsibility below.
  • Responsibility – We cannot have successful boundaries if we do not take responsibility for our actions. A classic failure is the idea of codependency.
  • Power – Just like the 12 steps idea, we have to acknowledge that there are some things that are completely within out control. By the same token, there are issues that entirely out of our hands.
  • Respect – I think that this is two fold. The first is that we won’t get respect if we do not give respect. Similarly, we have to trust that others will respect boundaries if given meaning that if we don’t state our boundaries, some people may realize that there is a boundary.
  • Motivation – We have to have desire to set boundaries. Usually that lack of desire is a result of fear of action like it will hurt someone else or make them angry. Our motivation has to be independent of what we thing the actions of others will result.
  • Evaluation – This law is more about the how and when to express boundaries. It is true that setting down the line can cause hurt feelings but what are the repercussions of not doing it? Sensitive subjects demand sensitive conversations.
  • Proactivity – State your boundaries up front. I do think that the trick is to perform the proper Evaluation before blurting something out that is out of context.
  • Envy – The best way that I can describe this is that it is the opposite of what we want. We need to be aware of our own hang-ups to be able to effectively communicate what we do want.
  • Activity – If I understand this correctly, this law is intended to keep moving forward. After you state your intentions, you have to follow through with enforcing the boundaries as well as staying in relationship.
  • Exposure – Clearly, values and boundaries have to be known.

I think that the part that kind of bothers me about these laws are they are not clearly distinct. For instance, Proactivity, Activity and Exposure are closely related. Sowing and Reaping along with Responsibility are closely related. Envy seems like an anti-law. I will be honest, I think that this would have way impact if the laws were tidied up quite a bit. I cannot clearly say a particular scenario fits one law or the other.

Moving on to chapter six. I suppose that maybe this chapter was necessary. It is about the hang-ups for having boundaries. I kind of found it a weak, whine fest which is why I chose to not spend much time on the chapter. This is the list from the book.

  1. Boundaries are selfish
  2. Boundaries are disobedient
  3. Boundaries others will hurt me
  4. Boundaries hurt others
  5. Boundaries mean that I am angry
  6. Boundaries injure me
  7. Boundaries cause guilt
  8. Boundaries burn bridges

End Your Programming Routine: I had read to this point when I started writing about this book a few weeks ago. It probably explains my kind of sour start. Some of the earlier chapters I felt relatively insightful. Unfortunately, these two feel bloated and need refining. I suppose the alternative is that I am just not getting it, I guess that you can be the judge of that.

July 3, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 3-4

July 3, 2025 /

Last week I wrote about what it means to not have boundaries. I think that we can all imagine such things. As promised, this week I am getting more technical with the types of personalities define boundary issues. And then in chapter 4, it talks about how boundaries are defined and recognize as us individuals.

At some point, we all have boundary issues. Maybe you are not the aggressor but the one aggressed upon. Only one of those situations do we have any sort of control which is why we all have boundary issues. Depending on your personality type is how you default to boundary situations.

Chapter Three is titled “What are boundaries”. There are essentially four different types of boundary definitions. Here they are.

  • Compliant – Feels guilty and/or controlled by others.  Can’t set boundaries.
  • Avoidants – Sets boundaries against getting help from others.
  • Controllers – Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries against others.
  • Non Responsive – Sets boundaries against the responsibility to love.

In the book, these types are placed in a table. The Compliants can’t say no and the Non-Responsives can’t say yes. The Avoidants can’t hear no while the Controllers cannot hear yes. When you look at the four types, do you see yourself? I sure do, Much like the Myers-Briggs tests and other such personality tests, I don’t necessarily find myself squarely one category all of the time.

Ironically, I can see myself with all of them from time to time. In my marriage, I am almost completely Compliant. In my non-working time outside of my marriage, I am almost completely Avoidant. While I am at work I am a combination of Controller and Non-Responsive. I can think of times that I have knowingly ignored subordinates requests to try and grow at the expense of trying. But, that has been rare and far and few between.

I don’t think that I am an alien or something not human. I am not sure that it is normal to have all four traits but I also don’t think it is abnormal to have different responses in different situations. It probably is a good indication of why I am always striving to be fiercely independent and self-reliant. It probably explains why I have issues ‘fitting in’.

That being said, my dichotomy speaks to the two types of boundaries, functional versus relational. Functional boundaries are things related to task completion whereas relational has to do with people. I won’t lie, I do think that my functional boundaries are stronger than my relational. I don’t have as much of an issue standing up for myself in a work situation because I feel like I have less to lose.

Chapter four is titled “How boundaries are developed”. This is an very interesting chapter in that it describes the necessary states to not only grow up but also to develop healthy boundaries. When boundary problems develop, it is often a trauma or stunting at a particular stage. Examples of those causes from the book are things like withdrawal from boundaries, hostility against boundaries, overcontrol, lack of limits, inconsistent limits, trauma

There are five developmental stages that have purpose. They are:

  • Bonding (birth) – mother and child bond
  • Separation (6 mos – toddler) – recognizing that independence is necessary
  • Hatching (child) – developing independent personality
  • Reproachment (child) – establishing boundaries with safe limits
  • Practicing (pre-teen to teen) – Acting within boundaries with ever increasing control

I look at this list and I can see exactly where my development diminished. Since it is biological, bonding and separation happen. I think that my development slowed in Hatching and severely stunted in Reproachment. This seems to be an extremely common occurrence with strict parenting. When a child is not allowed to safely say no then they do not develop the skills to set personal boundaries.

Clearly, not everything remains static. My sister (youngest) had much less in the terms strict boundaries than I did. My brother rebelled and had much more friction. His personality was stronger in determination to become independent whereas my sister really did not have to try that hard.

End Your Programming Routine: I am not complaining, it is just the way it is. And it certainly is not an excuse to not address the problem. This book has already changed my perspective on boundaries. I now realize that I have issues as well rather than strictly thinking I am the victim.

June 27, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 1-2

June 27, 2025 /

I have been a fan of the Dave Ramsey book list for many years and this book has been on my to read list for all of them.  The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is also recommended by me as well.  Other titles like Who Moved My Cheese have a message but I find to be a bit situational. 

I kind of, sort of had fantasies of reading this and having an epiphany when my wife’s parents were alive.  Boundaries were a huge issue in our relationship.  I left them more to my wife to deal with because I felt like I didn’t want to get in the middle of their relationship.  That was probably the wrong thing to do because we each as individuals have boundaries.  I am just as entitled to have my boundaries as well.  What a complicated mess.

I wanted to buy copies for both of us.  I thought by reading it, we would self-reflect on the lessons and things would get better.  I realize now that was probably not going to happen.  Part of why I held off was I was uncertain about whether the idea was insulting.  I also realize that boundaries have two parties with the aggressor and the egressed. 

A number one problem with people violating boundaries is not knowing (my problem) or not caring (their problem).  Hence the need to study boundaries.  I kind of just accepted that this was the way things were going to be without stating my wants in the situation.  This is a little bit unfair to them and it certainly did not make me any happier. 

This of course caused friction within the marriage as well.  My wife was unhappy at the constant conflict over boundaries who then brought them to me.  I would then in turn defer to her and nothing would get resolved.  My stance was, if you wanted a relationship then this was the price that was to be paid.  I should mention that she was very good and up front about boundaries which is why I expressed my attitude a above. 

Chapter one is an anecdotal story about a woman who struggles in happiness because of being buffered about in a life without boundaries.  I have kind of violated my principles by reading way ahead and so I am kind of biased about this book already.  Let me warn you up front that this book is highly based on Christian principles.  While I think that there is some value for everyone, it feels like throughout the book it is the ‘meek Christian’ that cannot dare to set boundaries.

I have met these people for sure and the audience is clearly intended for the faithful but to me it feels extremely stereotypical.  Being paralyzed in the ‘turn the other cheek’ mentality to not be able to function in life is more rare than it would seem based on the book.  There is nothing wrong with faith base counseling, in fact I think that it helps set the proper perspective and context for us faithful.  But, I do think that it is wrong to come at this as a crisis of faith.  That idea discounts a lot of people that probably need these words but will be turned off by the faith forward approach.

Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater yet.  Chapter two is about all the different kinds of boundaries.  Some of them are not personal based but culturally based.  For instance, I noticed in China the personal zone was extremely different than what I was used to.  In line for the subway, people would literally press right up against others.  What we would consider a tight western line would have some air right in between two people.  It was one of the things that I was quite ready to leave when I came back home because it felt very suffocating.

Reading all of the different types of boundary examples did make me understand that I also had boundary violations.  It wasn’t just that others transgressing on me but that I failed to express where mine were.  I always felt like people should know not to do this or that but then it completely makes sense that if I do not communicate as such that this kind of thing could happen.

End Your Programming Routine: Hopefully, things get better from here.  I have started out a bit negative which I do feel is warranted.  But, like I said let’s give it a chance.  Next week we will get a little more scientific about the subject.  I will talk more about the book instead of my own situation instead.