I am going to tell you, being a support person to someone going through a life-threatening illness is not the hardest thing. It doesn’t compare in a long way to the person going through the battle. But, it is not easy either. For better or worse, I know a little something about this.
Today, I want to talk about making the support role successful. The obvious priority is for the ill person to focus solely on healing. My first foray into this was in 2010. My kids were two and four. At least life is a little easier in that I don’t need childcare anymore. Here are the basics.
- Communicate Proactively- In the US, we have a social benefit of Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). Your job will be protected up to six months of providing support if you choose to file it. You may not get paid for that time, but you won’t be fired either. I was lucky in that I could work from the hospital and come and go from the office as needed.
- Anticipate that you will lose control of the situation. One hour doctor’s visits turn into an all day battery of tests. You are just going to have prioritize your support role over jobs and deliverables. Be prepared for the unexpected.
- Simplify- Do whatever you can to simplify your life. Extra curricular activities, hobbies and anything not related to survival will take a back seat. It is OK if you communicate proactively, people will understand. Even things as simple as meals are a victim here. I will talk about some strategies later.
- Take advantage of all of those people that said they would help. I rotated help with child care primarily. Yes, I would take my boys with me sometimes, but they got bored after a couple of hours. So, I would take them to the hospital and then drop them off or have someone watch them while I went to the hospital. But, they can also make good companions or drivers or even pet feeders.
- Pack a go bag – I lived out of my backpack for several months. I had my work, my entertainment, my hygiene and snacks with me. I could leave one day and come home the next depending on what was going on.
- Stash supplies – I kept meals and clothes at the office. This allowed me to come straight from the hospital if I needed to. I didn’t need to worry about stopping or going home.
- Keep being a parent- You cant just forget about the kids. They also need attention, maybe even more so than before. You still have conferences and sporting events and their activities. Keeping some normalcy helps them cope with the situation as well.
- Support people need a break too- There were some times that I was just worn out. I would call my spouse and check-in and take the night off. This is a very difficult role, especially if it happens abruptly we can’t also add guilt to the list of problems.
- Temporarily suspend principles- Things like strict bedtime or drive through windows go a long way in remaining flexible. I rarely eat fast food. I say rarely because it has its place and the place is on the way to the hospital. It is a terrible way to live but when you are exhausted and everything is uncertain, it solves a problem that isn’t needed.
- Keep an open mind- The support person needs to be a positive and supportive attitude for the patient. The support person also needs to plan for the future and that future needs to consider the patient not being in it. Do the best you can to focus on the next step but don’t get locked into an outcome until it is clear.
Depending on the illness, an extended hospital stay is less likely. In some ways, it is easier when the patient is in the hospital, but in other ways it is more difficult. These strategies will work in both cases. I would say that I was lucky that hospitals and doctors were only thirty minutes away. Some people are hours away or even plane rides away. Modify these techniques as necessary for your situation.
End Your Programming Routine: It has been twelve years since I have had to go to battle. I am not looking forward to it, but at least I know what to expect and way too much experience. Pray for the doctors, the patient, the family and a positive outcome. If I could impress one thing, be prepared for and embrace the unexpected.
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