This is a remote podcast using and improvised setup. Be prepared for poor audio quality. This is a topic that should be in pre-marital counseling. As bright eyed and optimistic couples think they know, they don’t. Two people with two right ways can have conflict as a result of external factors. Only extra effort on top of an already exhausting time will keep things going in the right direction.
Tag: Relationship
February 13, 2024 – To the Men Out There…
This is not one of my usual topics. But I am not one dimensional, I believe in whole happiness and not just having the best tools or skills. And relationships are one of those things. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones that has a partner that is in sync with what you want? My experience and observation says that is probably not the case.
This is the last chance to do something for Valentines Day. Trust me, I despise it and usually I am trying to execute plans that should have been set in motion two weeks ago. Restaurants are already full, events are already sold out and you are stuck. Vow to do better next year but we have to do something now.
I keep a list of things I see throughout the year on my phone. The list is just randomized thoughts about gifts or things that she says. This list comes in handy for birthdays anniversaries and Christmas as well. This helps mitigate deer in the headlights ‘gotta do something now’ mentality.
My wife is a romantic and you guessed it, I find it frivolous. As I said in the beginning, I believe in whole happiness and I am not going to be 100% happy if she is not. It has taken a long time and I still do not like it but I have accepted that I need to put out some effort to recognize and spoil my partner with a little extra attention.
If you are a regular flower buyer, then you probably need zero help from me. In fact, I should be taking lessons. But, I do occasionally buy flowers. I don’t do it always nor do I do it a lot because I don’t want it to become something that is also routine. It helps to have a friend that owns a flower shop because I don’t feel as bad about spending the money. One more tip, ordering from a service will work all the way to the last minute but you will get more for the money or a better deal by going directly to the florist.
A minimum is to buy a card. Write a note that expresses some emotion and appreciation. Combine that with a little something, something like a bath salt or message oil and you have a romantic kit or basket. Remember, it is not the price but the thought especially when you are a stick in the mud like me.
I cook all the time, so that is nothing special. Do something that is different than normal. For me, that would be something like a dining experience. I like Korean barbeque where you cook at your table. Fondue would be another option where you are sharing the menu. But it could be all manner of dining experiences like picking your seafood for the dish or hotpot or build your own burger even. It doesn’t have to be expensive just what fits your partner.
There are all kinds of dating shows out there plus the internet for ideas. Depending on what day of the week Valentines is you may or may not need to do much more. But, if there is some sort of entertainment that doesn’t fit into the schedule, you could propose doing all of this on another day. That doesn’t exclude recognizing the 14th as Valentines Day, so I don’t prefer adding more than it already is.
End Your Programming Routine: I have more ideas that I am not going to share for fear that I may get exposed and then have to execute them. My point is that it is important for me to make my partner feel important. To do that, it takes me out of where I am comfortable and want to be but keeps me where I want to be in life. It is not too late to do something, so do it.
June 14, 2021 – Never Quit, Unless You Want to be Happy
This was graduation weekend last weekend and my nephew got his bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice. I love graduation, I think it is the best feeling weekend of the year. There is so much hope, optimism and genuine happiness, particularly at the higher level. Most of the graduates are in their early twenties but if you look around there are many non-traditional students as well. Everyone is smiling and celebrating. And unlike high school, blood and treasure was expended to get this degree; it was earned.
Since he lived with us from eighth grade through high school, this was close to a child graduating. Normally, I don’t write about other people but I will make an exception today for the graduation speech that should be given. For simplicity sake, I am going to use his first name, Isaac.
Obviously, if he ended up living with us then not everything was as good as it should have been. He had the dream and capability but he needed the structure and support to reach full potential. He dreamed of helping people when he entered the world and to him it was becoming a police officer.
During the course of studying criminal justice, Isaac enrolled in the cadet program with a local police department. In the program, cadets perform auxiliary support for events like crowd control and get exposed to the life. It also puts them on a list to be hired if an opening appears and builds the resume with practical experience. So, it is a good step in goal setting and achieving the dream.
Somewhere along the way in the last year, dreams change. Isaac moved into the our little house in the back that I remodeled last year with his girlfriend of several years. Early in the calendar year, he decided that he wanted to go into a different direction and work in the social services area, not being a police officer. So, he quit in a sense.
Now, we are going to slight shift. I am pretty open minded but I try to stay arms length at other’s relationships until I know that it is going to progress into permanency. It looked like this one was going to but there were some things not quite right. You have to understand that when someone lives in your backyard, I notice a lot. And, it is not because I am watching and waiting, but I see the body language and the coming and going.
For instance, they didn’t appear to have anything in common. She had friends but they were not really his. They didn’t really do anything together, some of that was circumstantial because of school being a priority. There was a vibe that this was progressing seriously but couldn’t sustainably. I will make a long story short in that they broke up right before graduation.
The graduation party that we held this last weekend had some unspoken temperance and somberness to it. It didn’t have the unbridled exuberance that it should have had because of course, emotion was raw. When a life is built on one premise and that suddenly changes so do the dynamics. Finally, to my point.
There is a saying “When is the best time to plant a tree”? The answer is ten years ago and the next best time is today. When you quit a relationship that isn’t working or a career path that doesn’t fulfill, you are free to pursue one that does. And, ultimately isn’t that the path to true happiness?
Failing and quitting are not quite the same thing. Failing is in the act of whereas as quitting is in spite of. Our culture does hold those two things in different regards. One might be celebrated while the other might be admonished. We have all heard ‘Quitters never prosper’ but is that really true? What are they quitting? Is is toxic or soul crushing, it it preventing true happiness?
While the timing was less than ideal, we are planting a tree here. Isaac being in his early twenties is a good enough time to get started. Life is transitioning in the biggest way possible at this time. This is when he is truly moving out and up.
End Your Programming Routine: I want to say that quitters will prosper if they are looking for a better replacement or at least trying something out. There is no way to know if a career path is a good fit without trying it. If you pursue things because of sunk cost fallacy or to please someone else then you risk being miserable in the process.
We always have a choice. It may be that the cost is deep and the effort is high but that is not no choice. There is a smart way to quit, so don’t be stupid. Ask for help and support. Have a rough idea of a transition plan and hope for the best. After all, this is your life at stake.
July 30, 2020 – ‘Tacticool’ Thursday
I am sure that people that read this topic are frequently disappointed that this weekly segment has been week on the ‘Mall Ninja’ or even the hardcore gear scale. That is not really my intent, I do want to get more into gear and gadgets when I have a little more time to plan. But, it illustrates a point that far more important than a whizzbang, zombie laser is skills and objectives. Surf around YouTube and you can find people that make art or musical instruments with a machete. You can find people that dig a pool out of the ground with sticks and materials found around the site.
It is likely the case that with thirty other tools, that instrument could look 100% better or maybe last twice as long. The point remains that 90% of the objective is knowledge and desire and the remaining ten percent is the rest. We tend to get stuck in the ten percent and lose track of what we can do versus what we are able to do.
Growing up pre-internet, I got interested in building furniture. At that time, the only real consistent and available information that I was aware of was the ‘New Yankee Workshop‘. It definitely taught one approach to woodworking but I noticed a theme. Being sponsored by Delta/Porter-Cable, some of the projects were built to showcase specific tools rather than the tools complimenting the work. Of course, knowing nothing I thought it was the only way something could be accomplished. That lead to some dubious purchases early on.
One Christmas, I received a book called ‘The Encyclopedia of Woodworking’. When I first started reading through the pages I was really out of sorts and shocked because Norm didn’t do anything like what was being presented. The majority of the book was working with hand tools, saws, planes and chisels in the traditional way. My eyes were open to the possibility that there could be more than one way to do something.
Stay with me people… not every post is home improvement or woodworking related, I painting the background first. Back to ‘Tacticool’. The reason to do any of these things, have gear, etc is to have something to protect or worth using the gear for. Why would you want to bother searching for holsters and belts and making sure that your shirt doesn’t ride up if nothing could ever happen. It is a lot of extra hassle.
If you don’t have a family or friends or a desire for a better future, then preparing and training and learning is all a Red Dawn type fantasy. So, my last week was the usual marathon of birthdays and family gatherings (more about that some other time). Added to that was grieving for the loss of my wife’s uncle and the funeral preparations. I unplugged to be there where I was needed most.
Protecting what is important in your life is rarely guarding it with menace and force. It is being attentive to the needs of your spouse, children, friends and extended family first. It is imperative that those relationships are nurtured otherwise you will end up wiping down your rifles and counting ammunition alone. I am encouraging a change in mindset to define what is important and what it takes to keep those things safe. We will get to gear and firearms soon.
I also have another camping trip scheduled for next week but one way or another, my future is going to change. I will finish this project I am working on. I will intensify my efforts to refine what I have started here as well as put out more effort on job search. I will also spend time building my relationships, sometimes at the exclusion of other things.
February 14, 2020 – Happy Valentines Day and Happy Birthday Oregon
It is always a weird day when there is some official event on the same day as Valentines Day. Oregon became a state on February 14, 1859. I remember going to the Sesquicentennial in 2009. It was interesting and fun where there was a party at the capitol and special flavor of ice cream released by a local maker. We went to the top of the capitol dome and looked over Salem (for the first time in 20 years for me). There were music, exhibits and festivities; quite the party.
But then we get back to reality, it is Valentines Day after all. Now, you have probably guessed that I am not a romantic. However, I do understand the importance of making specific time for your spouse. We will spend a few hours together today and attend an event that is focused on our relationship.
Relationships are hard… I feel strongly about my cabinets being natural, she feels strongly they should be white. I think it is OK the kids can choose not to wear a coat even after being hounded, she feels differently. As I age, I feel like I am getting more stuck in my ways and not as flexible or forgiving or tolerant or maybe gun shy overreacting without empathy. I always need to try to re-center and remind myself of the reasons below.
This person is my biggest critic, but also my biggest supporter. She is quick to anger but first to apologize. She is the fun, the encourager, the enabler, the people person, the caregiver and the love. Believe it or not, she is the reason that I up and left my job and never looked back, not something I would have done without significant prompting.
So, still not a hopeless romantic. But reminding myself that I am lucky to have this someone to be my partner. Yin/Yang or karma or God will give you what you need. Give your partner your attention and Valentines Day that they want. Your relationship will thank you and you might get something out of it too.
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