End your programming, do things that matter.
As we get ready for one of the biggest holidays of the year that focuses on being thankful, I talk about my feelings on the subject this year. Hopefully, you don’t think it is just me spouting my particular brand of subjects but that I offer a perspective of what thankfulness means in a more existential sense.
Reference link: Ukrainians Are Changing Their Minds on the War
Today is a darker than normal. I talk about the items that are different with my wife’s cancer battle. I cannot necessarily dwell on the wrong side of fate however for those that will go through it I think it is a unique perspective. It is a bit of a melancholic time. Hopefully that is understood and appreciated.
No, I don’t mean that I am quitting. You will have to read to get to the punchline today. First, we have a long and winding path to get there, so let’s get started.
Valentine’s Day is over, so what is next for merchandizing? Why Easter of course. What does this have to do with anything? I am getting there.
When I first met my wife, I was introduced to something that I don’t see often. It is tradition called cascarón. This is where you save your egg shells be used for Easter. Essentially, you try to preserve as much of an intact eggshell by cracking off one end of the egg. You want to build up a large inventory of egg shells for coloring and filling.
This is where it get’s fun. Some of the shells are filled with confetti, flour or oatmeal and some might be filled with money and occasionally, there might even be a raw egg! What you do is run around and crack them on peoples heads. We hide them with traditional Easter eggs and then inevitably wait to get cracked. If you want to participate in this tradition, now is the time to start building up your inventory of eggshells.
You should know by now, I am going to take this a lot deeper. One of my first Easters with my Wife’s family was in 1995. We were going to school over 200 miles away and of course it was a school weekend and we had little means to travel so they came to us for the day. They brought the cascarones.
My wife was living in a townhouse with several exchange students. One of them was Japanese and this holiday was foreign. So, we invited her to join us for the meal and the Easter egg hunt. She brought a friend to the dinner whose name was Ai (also a Japanese exchange student).
After the dinner, and when it came to cracking eggs (by surprise is the best) they quickly caught on to what was likely going to happen. Ai got so freaked out that she ran to her bicycle and peddled away not to come back again that day. This was our Sophomore year and consequently my wife became really good friends with her Japanese roommate.
We have kept in contact with her roommate over all these years. Her roommate and Ai came to our wedding. Five years later, we all met at her roommate’s wedding in California. Ai studied theater in college and dreamed of Hollywood, which she pursued. Yesterday, Ai died of cancer.
We had heard that it was terminal a few months ago. In December, Ai left California to go back to Japan for her final days. To be honest, we weren’t nearly as close to Ai as we are to my wife’s roommate and dealing and our own demons concerning cancer, it was out of sight and out of mind. But, it hits that this was someone who we know that left us too early.
My wife deals with strong survivor’s guilt. She had a coworker who was our age and kids are the same age that died of cancer a few years ago, that was hard. They had even done chemotherapy at the same time. Then she had another friend who was younger than us by probably ten years die a couple years ago, that was worse. It feels like we know too many people battling and losing to cancer way too young.
I know, this is being hypervigilant. I see it one place and my eyes are open to where else it could be. But, I also can’t help but wonder what God is telling me in this situation. Not just me either, for people with survivor’s guilt as strongly as my wife’s what can she get out of the situation? Is there a message here, am I trying to make a connection that doesn’t exist or is this a fact of life that now I am getting older the probability to bad endings happen in life?
I talked about the neighbor kid that is battling last week, my mother-in-law is in her second year of treatment, people that are in my inner circle are in the fight of their lives. I’ve gone through it with my wife too. Compassion and empathy are some of my weaker areas for sure. I think I have them, but it is really difficult to express them adequately. Maybe that is what God is trying to tell me?
Yesterday in church, the sermon was conceptually about making the most of a situation (not necessarily dying). What can you do with what you have. The question of the bucket list came up. I had never really given it much thought because I have never created one. At least for me, I came down to goals and achievements are for the living. I don’t really have a traditional bucket list because I think that when that time comes, I wont want to have a final bunch of experiences before I die. I think the point of making the most of the situation actually means living before dying.
End Your Programming Routine: Of course, we are all going to face the inevitable. There is no doubt that if we live long enough, we will see our fair share of tragedy – however we define it. I suppose that I can consider myself lucky not having to witness something like the holocaust or to be born into slavery. With all things, it is not how we handle the acute situation, but the aftermath that is going to make the difference.
Stuff happens. No one plans to get cancer, especially when the person is a child. Whether you are in middle school or middle age, health disruptions suddenly supersede any plans you have in life.
My son has a friend that was diagnosed with cancer last week. They are the same age and they live two blocks away. He has been over to my house many times sometimes for an hour or two and sometimes overnight. Even his siblings have spent time over here. This isn’t really an acquaintance, but someone that we know pretty well.
Speaking from experience, when you are in treatment your life is not your own. In 2010, my wife had a near death illness and in 2012 she was diagnosed with cancer. The severity of the tumor is graded on how treatable it is. In her case it was stage 4 (out of 5) meaning it was effecting multiple locations and was not possible to surgically remove.
I was pulling weeds in the garden one day, just kind of having some alone time. My wife was in the hospital and our pastor came by. He asked me how I was doing and what I thought about all of this. Since I had been through this once before, I knew the ropes with doctors, hospitals and all that. There was little fear about uncertainty of what the next few months of treatment would look like. The fear was really what the future would look like for me and two boys aged 4 and 6.
I told him, “After the last illness, I saw her faith and ability to appreciate life grow exponentially. I don’t think God’s lesson is for her this time. I think this is for the other people in her life, like me”. I won’t say that I turned the switch on exactly at that moment, but I will say that I started removing excuses in my life to change my ways in faith.
In my mind, I grew up attending church every week. As I moved out of the home, I knew my beliefs and I wasn’t opposed to church but nothing we tried really felt comfortable. I justified that I was well adjusted in faith because I spent every Sunday as a youth in church. As a result, I realized that believing is one thing but worship and congregation are part of the deal as well. That is super tough for me because I find it uncomfortable but you cannot reach your full potential as a closet Christian.
Consequently, there is no such thing as a perfect denomination. What is more important is getting plugged in and keep an open mind. I don’t 100% agree with everything my church does, but I can’t say that it is wrong on theology. It is more about the approach and my comfort level and what I would prefer. Quite frankly, I think being challenged and uncomfortable is actually healthy in faith.
I hate to admit this but sometimes I wish that I had been the one that got cancer and survived. I wish that I had the ability to appreciate things in the same lens as someone that see’s life as a gift. As much as I can empathize with the family on the support side of the treatment, as of now I cannot have the same level of appreciation as a survivor. Let me be clear, it is not that I want it, I just will not have the same level of understanding.
A few nights ago, we went to a short prayer service for this teen that is starting his journey. It was informal and we really don’t know the prognosis. I don’t want to be the one that blows smoke by sharing my story and potentially provide false hope or sound somewhat gloating as I won the lottery on survival. I am not saying that it would be received that way either. However, I have this forum to say whatever I want to say. Maybe my writing gives someone a kickstart into finding the right course in life too.
End Your Programming Routine: This isn’t the only cancer story that is currently active in my life. It does happen to be the one that I am more hopeful for and the one that fits my story today. I don’t think that we need crisis or tragedy to change our ways. One thing that those situations do very well is galvanize where you stand and can easily push a person to one side or the other. I hope for the best here, I will stay tuned to where my lesson is in the journey.
This post started on Friday, like all tasks recently, I got interrupted and never got through it all. Now it is going to take a slightly different twist, somewhat of an analysis. It has been a long time since I talked about my faith on this site. In some ways, it is very personal but religion can also be very divisive.
I mentioned last Monday that I took a class on leading a small group for our church. Because we cannot gather as an entire church congregation on Sunday, this is a two fold effort. I will use my terms – one is to enable people to connect in a deeper and more personal level and the other is to build a deeper and more resilient organization.
I want to divert to religion and doctrine for a minute. I grew up in a church that was more liturgical. That means that the process of ritual and symbolism are important in the worship. I now attend a church that is evangelical and it is more about living values. As I have tried a lot of different things and explored denominations, I have not found one that I feel like ‘this is exactly like what I think it should be’. But, we were attending a different church for a while and one day the message was load and clear – don’t let perfect be the enemy of good (for attending church). If God is going to discriminate on denomination, then we are all in a lot of trouble.
In my introverted, liturgical mind, there are some things that are uncomfortable like asking for prayer and such. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t agree with them and think that practices are more in line with how I interpret the message. I also often find that if you remain on the outside, these things never get easier or more comfortable. I guess jumping in, leading a small group and becoming vulnerable is a way to overcome that.
So with that, I am going go a little deeper into what we are doing. The following are the core values of the church and our group.
The initial kickoff of the group is to watch the service together and then dig in deeper into the message. There are some questions at the end to help facilitate that.
As I am writing this, it feels as if world is on ‘proverbial’ fire. We have riots and plague to a level that I have never seen in my life. With that, I have personally observed nastiness and name calling. Friends accusing others of racism when they don’t think you are doing your part or to the same level (even when you are agreeing with them). This is my attempt to re-center and lead by example.
The questions of the week are
Admittedly, I struggle with empathy and forgiveness. That is definitely something that I need to keep working on. I could probably go on with analysis and so forth. But, I think that providing the gist of small groups and what we are about is a good start today.
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