Tag: Boundary Conflicts

August 8, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 13-14

August 8, 2025 /

It is hard to believe but I went from being weeks ahead to almost not making it this week. I really had to buckle down and get these chapters in the book read. Fortunately, my wife had a long doctor’s appointment allowing me to get half of my reading in the other day. That motivated me to finish the second chapter in time.

Even though the whole notion of boundaries is of personal nature, this week is even more so. Chapter thirteen is all about boundaries with yourself and chapter fourteen is about boundaries and God. I know that there is different theology at play here but I believe that essentially there is a lot in common between internal boundary problems and Christian relationship boundaries as they are largely one sided and often occur in private.

We will go chronologically in our review today. The idea that internal boundaries exist is kind of novel and I can certainly identify with that. My wife says that I always live inside of my head. Despite me writing every day and espousing opinions, I would wager that people really know nothing about me.

I am reserved and have a go along to get along personality. What that really means is that I play poker face pretty well. I generally tolerate nearly anything for a short duration with an eye toward the future. That means I may be really not meshing in social settings but I will change that in the next opportunity I get. Meaning I might say that I wish to never be in that position again. That doesn’t mean that I don’t make an effort to be cordial and social for the time being.

Cloud and Townsend claim that there are seven areas where people struggle with internal boundaries. Those would be food, money, time, task completion, words, sexuality and substance abuse. What is revolutionary to me is that they claim we need accountability to change and cannot be done alone. This is a nicer way of saying that there is no such thing as willpower. I have always been in the camp that you can do anything you set your mind to, but I can see this perspective as well.

It might seem obvious, but it is their claim that often these internal boundary conflicts are in response to external boundary issues. It is a form of self sabotage. I eat and gain weight to not be attractive because finding the right partner is difficult. That is just one example.

I believe that this is why I struggle with empathy. I have always believed that internal boundaries are largely within our control. With that, if you are not willing to put in the work, why should I? What was revolutionary to me was that this is a process of try and fail and the accountability partner not only has to understand that but also coach and encourage through that. That can be a very anguishing process for all parties and something that I am not particularly good at.

The steps that Cloud and Townsend say are necessary to change internal boundaries are as follows: identify the symptoms, find the root, identify the conflict, take ownership, ask for what do you need and begin. I won’t spend any more time with that as this is already running long but read the chapter for more details.

This was a great chapter for me. It ended with an opinion on victimization. They define real victims are in circumstance where they have no control. To me, that becomes a very small group of people. Overeating is not being a victim, a child being sexually abused is almost certainly a victim. In today’s diminishing woke world, there were a lot of people stealing TVs in a riot rather than having a boot on their neck. I am just saying that the claim of victimization needs to meet a defined set of circumstances.

Moving on to the next chapter I also got a new perspective. I never considered the idea that we have boundaries and god has boundaries. The chapter uses biblical examples of where boundaries were exploited. The whole idea of asking during prayer is a boundary issue. Is it justified? Have we ‘earned’ it? Is there a greater plan that we cannot see at work?

Just because we are not granted our prayer now does not mean that it is not going to happen. I thought that it was an interesting perspective to present that possibly the asker has not tried hard enough. Imagine what life would be like if every prayer was answered when asked? It is definitely the idea that there is no success without failure. Why is that? Because we need to learn the boundaries of what works and what does not and the variables that play into those situations.

Those of us with children will recognize the crocodile tears scenario. Let them stew for an hour and they will move on. If they don’t give up, then eventually we will come to recognize that this really is something that they want. And at that point we can make a plan to enable what they want like earning money to purchase. Giving up is a certainty that it will not happen. The same is apparently true with prayer. I never thought of it in such a way.

End Your Programming Routines: This week really resonated with me. I know that I have some personal boundary issues. They stem from my inability to confront something, I am not sure what that is yet. It is also really difficult to take a personal problem and ask for accountability from someone that may not even know that the problem is occurring. As I struggle with empathy, it seems like a bridge too far to ask for help. We will see how it goes.

August 1, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 11-12

August 1, 2025 /

One of the nice things about this book is that it seems to flow with how I want to do things. That would be two chapters at a time and the subjects seem to work topically together. This week it is boundary problems with work and the digital world. For many of us working at home or in the technology sector, the digital world is a must. The truth is the digital world is here to stay whether it is required for work or not.

Let me tell you that I have had some boundary problems with work. One thing that taking a two years off really helped me was with perspective. I have a much stronger propensity to have better boundaries now then I ever did before I just let everything go. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t struggle at times but creating that separation made things so much clearer.

I find it a lot easier to take a stand in a large company then when I was with a small one. Their, you are almost family and those bonds quickly become strong. But, the weak bonds and relationships in a large company are much easier to defend. It makes it especially true when I am working from home. I just put things on my calendar and walk away when it is time.

I think where work boundary problems are evident is that this is an environment of sanctified hierarchy. Once we are deemed adults, we are all treated as equals (in theory). So friendships, romantic relationships and even familial interactions we have the ability to declare the we are independent adults and with it comes the ability to lead our own lives and consequences thereof. Not so at work.

I wouldn’t call my dad a workaholic by any means but there were a lot of times where he travelled for months at a time sometimes returning home every other week and sometimes once a month. That was my model and work was supported and encouraged. Add to my travelling being on-call and work never ended. I worked and worked in various jobs.

As funny as it sounds, I have a much less likely to have boundary problems with the digital world. Part of that is because I do not participate in much social media. The other part is that I want to be done with technology by the time I am done with work.

It was about 15 years ago, a co-worker was leaving. I talked to him about his decision and from that conversation he asked a favor. Create a LinkedIn account and join a particular group that was common to the work that we did. I did and didn’t think too much about it as it has not been super busy over the years.

I have the application on my phone. Particularly when I was looking to get back into the workforce, I had notifications turned on. My logic was that I had to be ready at the drop of a dime for a recruiter to contact me and offer me a job. But, I started noticing a couple of things as well. One of those things was that I was starting to get in the habit of clearing my notifications every time I saw them.

The second thing that I was noticing was that I kept getting notified of the same stories. This was not a notification from a different source or a variation but that it was the same story I read a week ago. It was happening over and over again, Every time I unlocked my phone I had new notifications. Of which, nothing was ever significant.

I decided to turn off notifications and I have not looked back. Important things like messages from recruiters also send emails. Every time I log in, there are 20+ notifications because I only check every couple of weeks. But they are almost always ‘so and so likes this’ and things of that ilk. These days, I recognize LinkedIn as a necessary evil. My last two jobs were the result of having an active profile and I have had multiple interviews as well. But, I do keep it at bay.

End Your Programming Routine: There is a ton to be written about these two subjects. I really cannot do justice with digital boundaries in one quick write-up. Even if you are not reading the book, observe your digital habits as a third person. I see all the time most people are on their phones the entire waiting period at the doctor’s office. We have forgotten how to be still because most people are addicted to technology. Just wait until AI is fully integrated.

July 25, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapter 9-10

July 25, 2025 /

These are two chapters that I have been interested in reading, boundary issues with the spouse and children. I feel like the two are kind of joined at the hip considering that one might have issues with one that bleeds into the other. I am pretty convinced that people don’t just have boundary problems in one area, at least I don’t.

The concept of systems thinking comes to mind. By now, I hope that it is obvious that most problems have a systematic approach to resolution. I am not seeing much of a difference between a boundary issue with friend versus a spousal relationship. Sure, there is more intimacy between partners and hopefully more grace as well but the reality is that they have similar roots and resolutions.

In fact, this chapter reapplies several laws found in chapter five to use as examples. The book also adds a nine point list to help with resolution. I don’t see it specific to spousal boundaries but to all mature boundary problems.

  1. Inventory the symptoms
  2. Identify the specific boundary problems
  3. Find the origins of the problem
  4. Take in the good
  5. Practice
  6. Say no to the bad
  7. Forgive
  8. Become proactive
  9. Learn to love freedom and responsibility

Moving to chapter ten, let’s hope that you don’t have too many boundary problems with children. Otherwise we need to call the police and protective services. Rightly so, a large focus of this chapter is all about installing age appropriate boundaries as well as teaching them so children grow up as healthy, appropriate adults.

When I was a young child (pre school) I remember that my bedtime was seven o’clock. As I moved into grade school, my bedtime became 8PM until summertime and then it was nine. Throughout grade school it bounced back and forth in this manner, it seemed normal. So that by the time I was in middle school, this was routine and there were no questions asked.

We had a bit of a kerfuffle in middle school as my peers and friends found Saturday Night Live. My mom said that we were expected to be ready and attentive for church the next day. The pastor’s husband was also a fan of Saturday Night Live and he could not make it to church routinely and slept late on Sunday’s. After that point, I never questioned that my bedtime was nine o’clock no matter what season or day it was.

It was late May in my senior year and my parents were confronting me with something else. I was already 18, but what I said in the conversation is that I had no meaningful connection with my peers. They were exercising their adulthood and transitioning out of the house and yet I felt nothing relatable with them. My parents responded with ‘there was no reason why I couldn’t do the things that they were doing’.

Somewhere in the age of middle school to high school, I missed the boat of age appropriate freedom and boundaries. Ultimately, it was my fault for not trying to exert or push for expanded boundaries but I never realized it was something that I should be doing or that would have long term effects. To date, I have a hard time relating to pop culture trends and platonic relationships.

This is a polite way of saying that I have to own my own problems. I have the power to do anything that I want if I desire to change this. That being said, it is the parents responsibility to guard their children against retarded development. I think that my parents fell into the convenience trap of saying ‘well he is not asking for anything, so it should be fine’ rather than saying some of these choices are more age appropriate.

My wife and I are completely opposite. As much as I had severely restricted boundaries, she had almost no boundaries. Therefore, we have struggled over the years to set appropriate boundaries with our kids. It is almost the opposite where she would want more and I would want less for them. And then we went full circle to boundary problems within our relationship. It is always way more complicated than this but it is an example.

End Your Programming Routine: There is a lot of discussion in chapter nine about feelings. Not what you do causes this or that result but I feel scared, lonely, abandoned, whatever. I have never been much into feelings but I now understand that these are signals for boundary problems. Be warned that it is just as likely a boundary problem that other’s own to cause negative feelings. But, that is delicate and this is the place that you really need double down on collaborative resolution.

July 18, 2025 – Boundaries, Chapters 7-8

July 18, 2025 /

As I mentioned last week, it was the last chapters of the part one. This of course means that these are the first two chapters of the part two. I guess I would describe this part as scenarios with the different social groups that we frequently interact. For instance today we read about boundary conflicts with family (ch7) and friends (ch8).

It shouldn’t be any wonder that boundary issues with family start with them as well. The term arrested development is probably a pretty good descriptor. If steps are not made to mitigate old roles and problems then it is pretty likely that they carry forward.

Dave Ramsey has this term of Powdered Butt Syndrome. In his case, he is referring to any person that has powdered your butt will never see you as an authority figure. I don’t find that to be completely true but it is definitely niche. In my case, my dad is frequently coming to me for technology issues. He sees me as an authority in that space.

I also secretly suspect that he likes and trusts my approach better than other helpers because I don’t just push buttons or click the mouse. I am cautious and deliberate when I am working on his computer. But, the fact remains that this phenomenon is real and my point is that boundary problems start right where they ended.

The thing that I like about this chapter is that it talks about boundary resolution. To me, it seems like it has nothing to do with family specifically. In my book, the concepts that the chapter talks about are pretty universal. They would be: Identify the symptoms, Identify the conflict, identify the need that drives the conflict, take in the good, say no to the bad, forgive the aggressor, respond don’t react, live in the freedom

Switching gears into Chapter 8 now and boundaries and your friends. Back in chapter 3, we learned about the different types of personality disfunction. This chapter goes through some scenarios with your friends and what happens when one type interacts with another.

I don’t know for sure, but I assume by the type pairings that this book is targeted toward the compliant personality type. Otherwise, this chapter misses on what happens when an aggressive controller and a non-responsive get together. I hate to get too negative because I have to assume that the intent of the audience was everyone and not just compliant types.

  • compliant/compliant – lack of leadership
  • compliant/aggressive controller – takes without asking
  • compliant/manipulative controller – always in a jam
  • compliant/non-responsive – ignored

This is part of what bothers me about this book. When two compliant types are friends, the book makes a point of using an example of they both make conflicting plans. Each one agrees to the other despite the conflict. The point was each were so timid that they could not possibly say no to the other despite the looming disaster.

As I have stated repeatedly, I am not a psychologist or therapist. That being said, I have to say that scenarios such as what is used in the book has to be almost zero. Maybe it is hyperbole or possibly I do not have enough exposure to other people’s problems.

The other three types of interactions are pretty much as you would expect. As such, I don’t think that much explanation is required. Like the discussion in chapter 3, I find myself in between compliant and non-responsive. I don’t really have a ton of friends (surprise, surprise) but there have been some times when I really wanted to say no but I didn’t and so I ignored the decision. Remember that compliants cant say no and non-responsives do not answer.

You know, I am sure that it is dysfunctional but I really do not have many friends and I really do not value their place in my life. My attitude is sort of take them or leave them. A part of that has to do with some friends that I had 20 years ago. I did not recognize personality type before this book but I knew that I could not say no and if I stayed around long enough, I would eventually get into serious trouble.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t mean to be disparaging, but I do recognize that my boundary issues are a result of my upbringing. Despite that, I have been an adult longer than not and I feel like I have outgrown my interpersonal boundary issues with my family. It wasn’t always smooth but they understand that I am an independent adult. That feels good and normal.