Category: Philosophy

December 12, 2023 – Using Our Gifts

December 12, 2023 /

If you listened to my podcast on Wednesday last week then you would know that there has been tragedy in the extended family. I still don’t know many details and if or when I do, I am not sure that I am going to reveal them here. Today is not about that but because of that.

Now, a quick timeline of events for context. November 28th (Monday) I finished work and had a doctor’s appointment. I went up to remind my wife and she asked me to pick up our niece from elementary school. Her daycare was closing early because of an accident to her child. The next day, I only worked a few hours because it was my grandmother’s funeral. My wife stayed back with her family. I called in late afternoon to check-in, I was going to go out to eat with my family after all of the services. My wife said ‘It is bad… really bad. He didn’t make it, in fact it wasn’t an accident but he was shot to death.’

By the time I came home from dinner, my wife was drinking with her cousin. This one event spun her into an emotional free for all. I would say that she was paralyzed by sadness and empathy for the remainder of the week. I don’t know why God made her the way that he did. I also don’t know why God made me the way that I did. I felt dull and detached but I couldn’t empathize with paralyzing grief,

I am no good in these situations. I could be the one delivering the news in a non-emotional manner, not the one comforting people that are nearly out of their minds. I don’t know what to say. Is it appropriate to touch? Should I converse or stay aloof? What if I say the wrong thing? I have no problem with small talk, but I feel like this is not the place or situation for such things. I just don’t know, you might say that I am paralyzed by human interaction.

I do know that God gave me the gift of action though. I took action on building a roadside cross. It is now painted white and waiting until we are informed of the actual site (that information is being withheld as part of the investigation). I wanted a wood that would last as close as forever so I had a cedar railing post that I have held onto for 15 years.

I did all the joinery and built it with care. I don’t want anyone thinking that I didn’t put my full talent and energy into my form of contribution. I filled the gaps and sanded it smooth. I wanted the cross to be as perfect as I could make it. Finally, I spray painted and painted and painted some more until the surface was glossy smooth.

End Your Programming Routine: God made us different so that we could be the best at whatever gift he gave us. I am not the worlds best woodworker but I also could focus on building this piece of peace without the emotional torment that others had. And I suppose that if we were all the comforting type, who would be there to build the cross? So, I will end where I started. I don’t know why I am the way I am but I hope that the way I am can bring it’s own comfort.

June 28, 2023 – Happy 25th Anniversary to Us

June 28, 2023 /

In 1998, it was hard to imagine what 25 years in the future would look like. Did I have an inkling of all the hills and valleys in the journey? I mean, everyone has their own versions of perspective. My struggles are just molehills compared to others while my celebrations may seem pedantic. Today I am blessed to celebrate my 25 year wedding anniversary.

I picked this song as one of the descriptions of our courting and early marriage. I always thought that it was a perfect story for her, but I didn’t quite get the mirror that I was holding up. She is such a passionate person that I could feel the hurt and blessing that not following paths would lead. But you know that when looking at something in the mirror, it is always the opposite of what you are seeing in the glass.

Early in the Bible, in fact Genesis 2 says: “23And the man said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of man she was taken.” 24For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. “

Last year was my ‘come to Jesus moment’, literally. I don’t just believe in parts of the bible, but the whole thing. Exodus 20:12 says “Honor your father and mother.” How can I obey the Lord’s commandments but side with my wife? I am referencing the whole familial struggle of my mother-in-law dying and having to kick her out of my property last summer. That is not honor.

When it comes right down to things, I always thought that there would be me and us. We can be our own individuals for part of the day and then come together daily (or whatever the frequency). Maybe I am dense but that is how I saw my happy ever after. As long as I deferred things I wanted to do to prioritize us or made time each day, then I would be good. I still didn’t take in the one flesh part of the equation.

The other thing that I really struggle with is the situation where I think it is fine but the other person does not. That plays to my advantage in many cases. It allows me to pursue what I consider the proper course of actions in business or morality. That being said, it doesn’t come without consequences. And those consequences are strong when we are trying to act as one flesh. What happens when I believe one way as an individual but another as a married partner?

You know what? Prayer is the answer. I prayed hard about how to handle supporting my wife by severing the relationship with my mother-in-law. I wanted to do it badly, but I didn’t want to intentionally break a commandment. I think that the answer is really the first part of verse 24. “…Man will leave his father and mother…”. It is not the act of leaving to jump from one situation to the next but that they will actually transform into one by commitment to each other. God told me that I needed to support my wife.

Clearly, I still struggle with my individualism. It is not something that changes overnight. Left to my own devices, I could be very happy with me and us. But, I am not living in my bubble. To my wife’s credit, she is the one that is the fighter. I would say that she starts most of the fights, but she also finishes them.

In a short 25 years, she has battled exotic, fatal diseases, built a respected career and mostly raised two boys and severely impacted the lives of others raising kids that are not ours. Through all of it there was love. What right do I have to want to be myself? And more so than that, what right do I have to not be one with a god driven person? The answer is none.

Since I am not am clearly not a romantic, I want to say that I appreciate and value the things that I am not. While I don’t want to be a romantic, my wife does. We are Yin and Yang which makes many things extremely difficult. Even simple decisions like what to make for dinner can sometimes be painful. I have learned that each one of these encounters are a way to practice being one. I am often not successful or good at it, but I get to try again.

Marriage is hard and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is not hard as in physically hard or even mentally hard. It is hard because to be serious and godly you have to give up the person that you thought you were in that transformation to be one. It is a huge leap of faith to leave behind what you know is right to go in a direction that you are tentative at best.

At such a young age, you can tolerate anything for a number of years, like school. I am not trying to get existential but forever is forever. When the calendar moves past ten years, the realization that those little things aren’t going to change and they start to move from annoying to resentment. It takes work to change those things. Both with your partner and yourself. That is hard. That is ending your programming.

I know that is sounds like I am mostly glass half full here. Despite that, I am trying to convey that this is a two way street and I use half of it. So while I have talked about the challenges, there were many a good time. We actually do pretty well together when it is just us on a getaway or us against the world.

End Your Programming Routine: In the song, Garth prays for one thing but got another because God knows what we need even if we do not. I got a free spirited, social and empathetic person because those are all the things I am not. I also got a loving, forgiving and patient person. Guess what… not those either. We will all have to wait until the end of our song but “I guess God knows what he is doing afterall”.

June 6, 2023 – Success, After Several Years of Effort

June 6, 2023 /

If you spend time in the woods, you hear about things that are interesting or unique. And being in the woods, they can be difficult to nearly impossible to find. This is particularly true in western Oregon where there is a patchwork of private timberland, US Forest Service and Bureau of Land Management parcels.

The reason being is that road numbers can change depending on who owns the road, signs often get vandalized as well. We have little to no cell phone coverage and GPS coverage is even compromised due to tall trees and land obstructions. Add to that, some companies believe that access is by permission only and gate roads. So you can start out on a public road only to be blocked by a gate.

What I am saying is that it is difficult to get paper directions and it is no guarantee to use electronic directions. So, if you don’t know where you are going you will be hard pressed to get there. About ten years ago, we went on a trek to find ‘Valley of the Giants‘. It is a long story, but we would not have made it but for talking with some people that we met out in the woods who drove us there.

Memorial Day, I finally made it to South Lake. It started two years ago I was hunting and I saw a sign for the lake. I tried to find it when I was driving around. I assumed that it if I followed the main road, I would get there only to be blocked by a gate. I tried several different side roads to be blocked by impassible road conditions. But, as I talked with people it seemed everyone knew how to get there.

When we had our first real nice weekend in May, I tried to go there using Waze. I tried two different approaches that were blocked with snow. I talked with my neighbor a few weeks later and he said that all the roads were snow free. So now it wasn’t an adventure it was a mission.

When we got there we found a real gem. It is called a dispersed camping area but it really means that there is an outhouse and a some roughly marked camping sites. It does not have things like running water or tables at the sites, but it is also free. I didn’t even know that such things existed. Even the super remote BLM sites are ten dollars a night.

This being a holiday weekend, it was somewhat crowded. I talked to some people that had some car problems (two flat tires, not a good place to happen). I offered them what I could which was a can of Fix-a-Flat and they indicated that there was probably 30 people camping over the weekend.

Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife stocks this lake. This often times makes the endeavor easier because the fish are used to being fed and are not wiley of many natural hazards. It also makes it a little more guilt free, it is the purpose of these fish to get caught. We fished for five hours or so and caught a few fish. We also lost some fish and we had a lot of strikes. It was fun.

I think the most amazing part of the day was a pair of bald eagles chasing each other around and helping themselves to fish in the lake. I blew my mind to hear the feathers fluttering as they attacked the water. I don’t know of any comparison of the sound other than a swooshing dive bomb.

End Your Programming Routine: South Lake has a sister called, you guessed it North Lake. I have heard that it is smaller and more remote. I have also heard that as a result the fish are bigger. Now, this is my next quest. Not only with my summer projects, I have fishing on the brain. I hope that I can find time to get some of both in. I love the adventure, I love the fact that we caught some fish and it is good family time too.

June 1, 2023 – It Happened to Me… My Mind is Blown

June 1, 2023 /

You hear about these things and I guess you never fully understand it until it happens to you. Recently, I was half listening to a podcast and the term ‘philomath’ came up. They pronounced it like ‘phyllo math’ and they proclaimed that it was a combination of two Greek words that mean love of learning.

I was born in Corvallis Oregon. About five miles to the west is the town of Philomath Oregon (we pronounce it as fil-lo-math). It was the town that you drove through on the way to the coast. It was known as a timber town that the police liked to issue speeding tickets (because there was no reason to stop). It was also known as a town that has an endowment for any graduating senior to get a full scholarship to Oregon Statue University. It has since been modified to any student that want’s to study Forestry at OSU.

In the last twenty years, the town’s growth has been significant. Despite the fact that most of the mills were shuttered in the 1990s, population is rapidly growing. The reason is that the land cost and tax structure are significantly advantageous to living in nearby Corvallis.

Back in my day… my impression of Philomath was a redneck town. There were logger taverns and run down buildings. This was the definition of working class, mill town that you wouldn’t want to be after dark, if you weren’t from there. Of course that was my ignorance, I have no idea if that is actually true but I am painting an impression of my feelings.

There was a tavern called The Woodsman which used to be the first thing you see as you enter town from the west. I have never been there but I am pretty sure this was one of those places that was open as long as it was legal (7a-2a in Oregon) and served my regional favorite beers like Rainier, Olympia, Blitz-Wienhard and Hamm’s. A little over twenty years ago it became a locally regarded Thai restaurant.

I had always assumed that the name was native American. There are so many names that are like Tillamook, Alsea, Siletz, Neskowin, Calapooia or Willamette to name a few. I just told you that we never stopped (so I never read the sign in the picture). When they were talking about it on the podcast I realized what I thought I knew was nothing of the sorts. It is actually of Greek origin, not native.

I consider myself a critical thinker. I make efforts to analyze information and make a rational decision from my analysis. I suppose that doesn’t apply to things that you always knew as true. What’s even worse is that there is a sign describing the name in the middle of town. The information is publicly visible and has been my whole life, I have never looked at it.

This happens to be a simple issue that really doesn’t matter. This could be why I was open to evaluating it and realizing my error. I think the danger is for items that are highly charged and the actual data is suspect. Those things that we always knew, supported by lies lead us to false realities.

The human mind is a funny thing. When I was taking criminology class I learned that one of the reasons suspects/witnesses are separated is because one individual can influence another and people can ‘remember’ things that they did not see. We want the story as unbiased as possible looking for inconsistencies between the individual stories. Someone will compile all the different stories into a theory and then potentially test that theory in court.

End Your Programming Routine: I am not saying that I am a great man or a great mind. People have fallibilities and that is a fact. Of course some are more flawed than others and it is a matter of perspective on what is worse or not. This is our inherent human bias. My whole point is be careful of what you know to be true because you might just find out you were wrong all along.

May 10, 2023 – Stop and Smell the Oregon Grape?

May 10, 2023 /

Did you know that the state flower is the Oregon Grape? It puts on some small fruit about the size of a current or elderberry. I have never tasted it, I think it is more herblike or something that is probably used in very small quantities. The truth is, I have only ever seen it in planting strips and never in the wild. I didn’t realize that it actually flowers, but knowing that it fruits, it only makes sense.

You might say that my writing is themed lately. Some might say a broken record and others might say desperate or even whiny. But, life is busy. I can’t help that it feels like our schedule is a crushing weight. So, I have to find the silver linings in things. Today is one of them.

I suppose that you can say this is a different take on adventure that I wrote about last week. My wife says that I am glass half full. Which means that when I end up helping out by babysitting, my first reaction is all the things that I cant do. I know in my heart that what I am doing is the right thing to do which is why I hesitantly commit to doing it. I don’t know why I am wired this way, it just is the way that it is.

The saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” is so true. It means make the best of a sub-optimal situation or even do something better with it. To me, giving up a day to entertain a five year old is a precious commitment. With a barn-burning schedule during the week I need some space to just be me.

Back when my wife and I were younger and we talked about a family, we were seriously considering having four kids. God had a different plan for us and circumstances dictated that we had two. Now that my kids are nearly adult age, I am entering my post child phase. I can see why older parents are much more laid back about kids because they know that you provide a safe and solid foundation and the rest will take care of itself.

Some kids are going to embrace and thrive in the freedom while others are going to take a while longer. I don’t think any any amount of baby sign language or pre-primary music/sports lessons are going to change that. Those things prove to the parents that they are committed to do what it takes to make their child successful, but nobody else. I do think that when parents are confident, so are the children but I am already way off track from where I want to go today.

When I commit to babysitting, I try to think outside the box. What have I been wanting to do but haven’t taken the time to do? On any given normal day I will keep myself busy all day long with all the tasks and projects that I want to do. I won’t necessarily go to the local bird refuge and walk the half mile gravel path or plan a picnic at a close by park. I won’t take the evening to walk the dog to the nearby dog park or pick dandelions out of a yard as we walk by. I won’t drive home the slow way using the ferry to cross the river.

This is the reason why I have never seen the Oregon Grape flower, because I have never stopped to look for them. I didn’t realize that I should. As much as I hate to admit this, God is giving me the message to try harder and life is more than a check-list of to dos. It sounds intuitive, right? But, this is my programming that I have to change.

Before you get the complete wrong idea, not every babysitting day is a whiz-bang trip. Sometimes, kids need to learn that adults need to do stuff that kids won’t enjoy. Sometimes kids need to participate in things that they won’t like. But, the whole thing is a balance. It shouldn’t be always one or the other and it certainly should be some of both.

During the summer of the time I was between jobs, I used to do something called adventure Thursdays. That was the day of the week that my wife worked from home so it got us out of the house. We drove around to parks in the county and waded in local creeks, explored roads, bought chocolates made by monks and just looked beyond the boundaries of our house. We stopped at signs and read them and took turns just to see where they went. It was nothing fancy, just something I wanted to do.

The whole eighteen months of me not working is starting to fade into memory. It is hard to think that I spent over a year with the freedom to take in life. I was a better and happier person while I was doing it and for doing it. I think today I would have to force my kids to come with me, not to do it by choice. I look back that those experiences were special. Not because they were grandiose but because the relationship of time and space is something we will never have again.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t fancy myself as sentimental. That is not what this is about today. But, I talk plenty about doing things; my life is driven to doing things. Often, I forget that doing things is not the whole picture of living, just one aspect of it. I took this picture because I was awed by something I had never seen. Not just never seen but right in front of me never seen because my eyes weren’t open to something greater.

April 27, 2023 – Don’t Be Afraid to Ask

April 27, 2023 /

As a follow on to last week, I have been doing a reloading series using up all of my stored brass to make room for the actual components that I want to store and need to reload in the future like primers, bullets and powder. Also in this time of scarcity, then beggars cant be choosers so I have started to utilize websites to filter what might be in stock at certain stores.

What I have been doing is looking at a powder and filtering what is in stock. There were three Alliant rifle powders that said “On-Sale” for $19.99. I thought, what a deal, other brands were running $35-45 a pound. I thought to myself that I am going to get my limit of 1lb based on the price (this is partially why there is actually powder on the shelf).

When I arrived at the store, I went to the reloading section, found the powder shelf and it was there. But when I looked at the price, it was $50.99. There was no indicator of sale either. So, I grabbed it and went around looking for some help. The gun counter was swamped as usual and nobody was in sight. After about five minutes of standing around, I decided to just go to the register.

When I got to the register, I said to the cashier “before I buy this, I just want to verify that the price.” I explained what I saw online and what was on the shelf. They looked it up and called a manager. The manager said that they were going to honor the web price but that their cost was $30/lb. So, I was buying it at less than they were paying for it. If it weren’t for the 1 lb. limit, I would have been tempted to buy some more.

Somebody messed something up. My guess is that this was one of these changes that were applied programmatically and somebody didn’t check the output. Like I said, this price was applies on all powders of a certain brand. They went and pulled all the powders off the shelf right after my transaction. This event probably caused a somebody a long day with tech support.

Components are still hard to find. I only bought this powder because of the price. It actually was not my first choice. But, my first choice is not on the shelves. This will work. Actually, I did more research after buying it and have discovered that published loads are for the longer/heavier target bullets. So, while I got a deal on the powder, I am going to end up paying double for the bullets to use with it.

That’s OK because I am still in the experimental phase. To date, I haven’t shot more than a single, popular bullet weight. I have no idea if my rifle will be accurate, so this will be another data point using these target bullets. The price we pay for science…

End Your Programming Routine: When I saw the price, I didn’t believe that it was true. In fact, it really wasn’t. But because I suspected something was wrong and questioned it, I came out on the right side of the deal. I was prepared to put the powder back on the shelf but I didn’t end up having to, because I asked. If in the situation, you should too.

April 25, 2023 – Where’s the Bunny?

April 25, 2023 /

This probably won’t play well. I say that because even though I took the picture, I have a hard time seeing the rabbit in the picture and I know it is there. Regardless, I have no problem making stuff up on the fly.

Back when life was good (just kidding), I drove my Mustang through a National Wildlife Refuge twice a day. Once on my way to work and once on my way home. This was a significant asset to me because it was nearly mid-way and it was really the only bathroom via outhouse after you leave the freeway and town. Driving that everyday, sometimes I would stop on the way home, because I could.

It was 2018 that the gates were closed and they remained closed until a few months ago. In the meantime, they tore down the outhouse and built an interpretive center. I don’t know what the hold-up on opening was, but I think Covid was part of it. I don’t commute every day but I still periodically drove by wondering what this fancy new structure looked like inside and what was actually there.

In the last year, we have become weekend babysitters. I wont get into the details now, but someone needs help and we can provide help. Sometimes, I end up having to be solo babysitter and I need things to do. I am not great at this and it does sometimes crimp my life on the things that I want to do.

I was babysitter this weekend and so I decided to take an excursion to the wildlife refuge. When I said wildlife refuge, I think the child thought that we were going to see animals everywhere. Of course, I knew better but how can you convince them when the mind is made up. There is a short little 1/2 mile path that we walked. It was pretty barren but I did see a rabbit in the bushes. So, we took a picture of it. Did you see it?

Listening to podcasts about children and the outdoors, you don’t want to push too hard. Fishing turns into a walk to the water and 15 minutes of pole time. Hunting turns into snacks and coloring. You have to think of this as an investment, it is going to take a while to yield some returns, especially with a five year old.

When we were around that age, we couldn’t wait to go out with dad. It was such an adventure. But, he could only handle one of us at once. When my brother got home he would regale me with tales of the woods and I would do the same on my weekends. It was a long day for a young child and I am sure that we didn’t add much to the experience for my day but it was those moments that made me who I am today.

My biggest fear is not seeing nothing but seeing nothing consistently. I want to gently lead a young child into this new world without making it a chore or a dread. Who knows… maybe this will lead to nothing, but maybe it will lead to a love of the outdoors. So, we will keep trying new a different things. I want to be entertained too.

End Your Programming Routine: Because it is spring, my mind really starts shifting to getting on the water and getting a few fishing outings in. I also end up being a sort of father figure to this child. So, it is the perfect opportunity to do both. I have to be prepared to fish for thirty minutes but it beats watching TV all day. That I cant do.

April 20, 2023 – Reviewing Decisions

April 20, 2023 /

This is a tribute to the old ‘Tacticool’ Thursday with a new way of looking at things. I was thinking about some decisions I made years ago and how that actually faired through my testing of it. I don’t want to be too obtuse, so let’s just get into it.

When I got into reloading was about the time I started thinking heavily about preparedness. It also happened to coincide with the last big run up on firearms and ammunition. The decisions that I made during that period probably didn’t fair as well through this period and I am going to talk about what and why I have changed my thinking.

It occurred to me as I started writing that I probably need to stop trying to name generic periods of ammunition surplus versus shortage. It feels like it is more el nino versus la nina. It seems to be a cycle where we are more in drought than we are in normal years. For context and clarity, I will use specific years in my following assessment.

When Obama was elected in 2008 there was a run on firearms and ammunition. That lasted until late 2010 and then things were in surplus until Sandy Hook occurred in 2012. That period lasted until Trump was elected and then there was surplus from 2017 to the pandemic emergence in April 2020.

We are still in this cycle of disruption. For instance, certain calibers like 9mm are highly prevalent and affordable on the store shelves. But then there are other calibers such as .357 magnum that I have not seen in the store since 2020. It was for that reason that I wanted to start reloading. If I can’t buy it, I can make it.

My dad is a reloader so I have been saving cartridge cases my whole life. So, while I didn’t have the reloading equipment, I had all of my brass all the way from when I was a youth and knew that someday I would start doing it. I purchased my first set of equipment in 2012 so I started watching the component market. In every drought, primers are the first reloading component to disappear.

I decided to make sure that I had primers in surplus. In previous droughts, gun powder and bullets were available. As it turns out in this current shortage, primers are still absent on store shelves, some bullets are available and powder is very hit and miss. What this means is that while I can probably assemble some kind of formula that will go bang, it is highly likely that I cannot put together the exact components that I want.

In addition to this I also decided that I wanted to have some new brass in storage. This is the portion of the decision that I wonder the most about. Reloading is by it’s definition loading brass that has been fired. So, if I have fired it once, I should have most of it to reload. During my recent batch of range trips I made some brass (by shooting at targets) but didn’t have or couldn’t get powder and bullets.

What is the lesson here? I am not talking about specifically ammunition here. I am talking about holistic decisions. If I don’t have the components to load the entire cartridge then I really have nothing. In addition to that, I have stuff taking up space that I really don’t need and stuff I need that I don’t have.

Yesterday, I talked about having three drills. In fact, I have well more than three drills but I have three drills that are essentially the same. I don’t even really want three drills but I hope to save them and give them away to someone that might appreciate it. If we are hanging on to stuff for a potential purpose, I can understand. But, if we are hanging on to stuff because of a false premise, that is wrong.

Another false premise I had to change in the last five years were my college textbooks. I went to school in the emergence of the internet. Books were the only resource that we had and so I saved my subject specific textbooks in Chemistry. Five years ago, I realized that I haven’t been a chemist in 15 years but I still couldn’t part with them. My sunk cost fallacy was that was thousands of dollars worth of books that still had value. My problem was that there was no market value for them. Ultimately, I ended up dumping them in the recycling bin.

I can truthfully say that I hadn’t looked at the textbooks in 20 years and I haven’t even missed them in the five years since. Ten years ago, I went through purging of music, books and movies it was the same thing. I think sometimes we like the idea of having things more than actually using them. I have a whole box of miscellaneous cables that need to go, you get the point.

At least in America, I think that we are all used to having more than we need, including space. It is easier to give up space than to deal with our emotions and true need. I am sure that it is human nature to optimize the activities that are in our interest zone. I am simply encouraging you to evaluate stuff and the whole process for a happier and healthier future.

End Your Programming Routine: Just like Animal Farm, my story here is an allegory on an error made on a false premise. If I want to retire I need a plan, if I want to become a doctor I need a plan, if I want to shoot in an ammunition blackout, I need a plan. I am guilty of holding off on decisions many times, I live it. I also know that there is no one else to blame but myself for that habit. If and when you make a plan, you need to stop and evaluate whether you are on the right path or not.

March 1, 2023 – Formaldehyde Christianity

March 1, 2023 /

As with anything personal and a situation involves more than myself, I don’t think that it is appropriate to go deep into the details. It’s not that I am scared to reveal some deep, dark secrets, but it is a matter of respect and decency for all parties involved. I certainly wouldn’t appreciate it if someone wrote publicly about my perceived issues.

That being said, my wife and I are trying to do a weekly, Christian based bible study. As strange as this sounds, it has led to a lot of intense conflict. If I try to summarize it, I suppose that an exuberance to implement new changes or techniques. This is difficult for me and could be construed as abrasive and confrontational as well as feeling of inadequacy. Both sides have feelings about what is, what could be and how to approach that.

The main passage for the week is Ephesians 5: 31-33 (NIV).

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The premises of the week are

  1. Marriage is God’s gift for me
  2. My spouse is not my enemy
  3. I must renew my commitment to the permanency of marriage
  4. The purpose of marriage is to glorify God

Due to the week we have had, I have some doubts that I need to resolve. How can every marriage be a gift from God? Is it really only marriages rooted in faith or truly all of them? I think that we have all known people that married for the wrong reasons. And if so, how do you reconcile the word of God versus reality?

This is my problem with the church at large. They are great a highlighting these things we should do and preaching about how to conduct ourselves in the situation but they never reconcile the real tough issues. As and example, when is turning the cheek or loving your neighbor to all extremes really putting up with abuse? It is those kinds of inflection points that I never get out of sermons.

Maybe I am just a bad follower and I should always put my faith in God. But, then I think about those extreme ‘faith healer’ type stories and I just have to believe that proper faith requires us to action, not just pray that ‘God will fix it’. You see what I mean?

I woke up early on Sunday, 3AM. My first thought was that it was really raining and I had unplugged the sump pump because we had significant freezing weather. That always causes the remaining water in the drain pipe to freeze and then when the pump comes on it deadheads, often blowing the flex connection and spraying water everywhere. Once I was up, I knew that I needed to deal with my issues through faith and internally. I did what I am often doing on the weekends, head out to the shop. This time, there was no TV or radio or podcasts. It was my woodworking and myself, thinking and praying.

Some would say that to have a clear and proper prayer time, it needs to be quiet and focused. I always find myself at least pacing when there are heavy things to resolve. I find for myself some menial, physical activity is best. I wasn’t operating machinery or anything but chopping and chiseling (for hours). I don’t know if I got it all out, but it was time to come in and shower for my son’s birthday party.

I actually didn’t think about the fact that it was Sunday and I turned on the radio. The AM station I have it tuned to plays six or so hours of different sermons and one was on. I knew immediately that God was answering my prayer. The sermon was on how doubt, properly researched to the end actually builds faith using the story of Doubting Thomas and the resurrection of Christ.

John 20: 27-29 (NIV)

27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” 28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” 29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

I didn’t note the pastor speaking because I am a casual Sunday listener, but I listened intently to the whole half an hour. Formaldehyde Christianity is the result of growing up in the church and being around faith your whole life without really being tested. It is faith that is always there preserved but not alive. Not doubting and not questioning leads us to blind faith which is probably just as dangerous as zealous faith.

It was very clear that the message for me is that I need to keep asking questions and working on my faith and my marriage. I also have no doubt that God was telling me that he heard me and that sermon at that moment was for me to feel good that it is OK to pursue the answers. But, I think that he was also telling me that I need to trust the process, not to get hung up in grammar or syntax.

End Your Programming Routine: Ultimately, I didn’t resolve my fundamental question but the truth is, it doesn’t matter. I now know re-reading what I wrote and re-reading what the course said that I missed the two words “for me” in the in the first premise. It doesn’t matter whether the dogma is accurate or said another way, all marriages are a gift from God; mine should be treated as such because this is the gift for me. Regardless of whether I perceive some injustice, I also need to own that I am not perfect here either. Because I was erroneously hung up on premise 1, I failed 2-4 this week when we were struggling to effectively communicate. Thanks God for the reminder of humility and ultimately I owe my spouse an apology.

February 2, 2023 – Happy Groundhog’s Day

February 2, 2023 /

I had a co-worker that loved this day for some unknown reason. He would play this movie on loop and bring in donuts. Maybe it is because some years, we were reliving the same day as the last day. One year specifically, I was in the middle of a huge snowstorm. I had been on-site the entire month of January and I was going to be there the whole month of February. Things were not going well and we did the only thing we could do, just keep going.

Believe it or not, I have never watched this movie. I have seen clips on YouTube and I have seen the loop but I have never sat down and watched it beginning to end. Supposedly, the protagonist lives his day over and over again until he gets everything right; I guess according to the universe. Maybe today is the day?

Of course, I am not a big believer of the whole Puxatawny Phil concept. It would be impossible to have the same weather in Pennsylvania as I have a whole country away. That being said, tradition is a good thing, nonsensical or not. The good news is that Spring is on the way weather we like it or not.

I look at February as a transitionary month. We sometimes get 60 degrees and sunny. We sometimes get snow storms. But what I really look at is the light level. By the end of the month, we will see it getting dark around 6pm or after the traditional end of the workday. To me, this ends the dark to work and dark when leaving days. I suppose that if I lived in Alaska, I would say the end of ‘Dark Winter’. There is a dramatic difference in the light levels from the beginning of the month to the end of the month.

Of course, I am going to spend half the month away from home. I will miss my son’s birthday and Valentines Day once again. Not only will there be hell to pay for that, this new debt that I owe but also this is the prime time to get some stuff done around the house. For instance, President’s Day is the target for getting roses pruned. And speaking of pruning, there are fruit trees, grapes, etc that need to get done before bud. This is another sign of transition.

In my climate I will likely see three more months at least of rainfall and mostly sub-sixty degree temperatures whether Phil saw his shadow or not. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be some good days too. The same as with the concept of the movie. It seems like I am living the same day over and over again, but then there are some days that are downright pleasant.

End Your Programming Routine: Like Yin and Yang, winter and summer are separate but interconnected. It is not a duality like described in Atlas Shrugged but a duality like light and dark or fire and water. Our downtime is quickly slipping away as the light is coming and then it is time to hit the ground running again.