Category: Christianity

February 23, 2022 – I am Interrupting This Series in Brewing…

February 23, 2022 /

Stuff happens. No one plans to get cancer, especially when the person is a child. Whether you are in middle school or middle age, health disruptions suddenly supersede any plans you have in life.

My son has a friend that was diagnosed with cancer last week. They are the same age and they live two blocks away. He has been over to my house many times sometimes for an hour or two and sometimes overnight. Even his siblings have spent time over here. This isn’t really an acquaintance, but someone that we know pretty well.

Speaking from experience, when you are in treatment your life is not your own. In 2010, my wife had a near death illness and in 2012 she was diagnosed with cancer. The severity of the tumor is graded on how treatable it is. In her case it was stage 4 (out of 5) meaning it was effecting multiple locations and was not possible to surgically remove.

I was pulling weeds in the garden one day, just kind of having some alone time. My wife was in the hospital and our pastor came by. He asked me how I was doing and what I thought about all of this. Since I had been through this once before, I knew the ropes with doctors, hospitals and all that. There was little fear about uncertainty of what the next few months of treatment would look like. The fear was really what the future would look like for me and two boys aged 4 and 6.

I told him, “After the last illness, I saw her faith and ability to appreciate life grow exponentially. I don’t think God’s lesson is for her this time. I think this is for the other people in her life, like me”. I won’t say that I turned the switch on exactly at that moment, but I will say that I started removing excuses in my life to change my ways in faith.

In my mind, I grew up attending church every week. As I moved out of the home, I knew my beliefs and I wasn’t opposed to church but nothing we tried really felt comfortable. I justified that I was well adjusted in faith because I spent every Sunday as a youth in church. As a result, I realized that believing is one thing but worship and congregation are part of the deal as well. That is super tough for me because I find it uncomfortable but you cannot reach your full potential as a closet Christian.

Consequently, there is no such thing as a perfect denomination. What is more important is getting plugged in and keep an open mind. I don’t 100% agree with everything my church does, but I can’t say that it is wrong on theology. It is more about the approach and my comfort level and what I would prefer. Quite frankly, I think being challenged and uncomfortable is actually healthy in faith.

I hate to admit this but sometimes I wish that I had been the one that got cancer and survived. I wish that I had the ability to appreciate things in the same lens as someone that see’s life as a gift. As much as I can empathize with the family on the support side of the treatment, as of now I cannot have the same level of appreciation as a survivor. Let me be clear, it is not that I want it, I just will not have the same level of understanding.

A few nights ago, we went to a short prayer service for this teen that is starting his journey. It was informal and we really don’t know the prognosis. I don’t want to be the one that blows smoke by sharing my story and potentially provide false hope or sound somewhat gloating as I won the lottery on survival. I am not saying that it would be received that way either. However, I have this forum to say whatever I want to say. Maybe my writing gives someone a kickstart into finding the right course in life too.

End Your Programming Routine: This isn’t the only cancer story that is currently active in my life. It does happen to be the one that I am more hopeful for and the one that fits my story today. I don’t think that we need crisis or tragedy to change our ways. One thing that those situations do very well is galvanize where you stand and can easily push a person to one side or the other. I hope for the best here, I will stay tuned to where my lesson is in the journey.

November 25, 2021 – Happy Thanksgiving

November 25, 2021 /

I don’t often wear my Christianity on my sleeve but today I want to put it out there. We can be thankful for all the things we have and have done but I believe in putting the praise to my creator and savior. 

This has been a year of transition. I have been employed all year, some of it with Amazon and the majority with Cognizant. While I am not completely happy with what I am doing, I am grateful that I have a degree of stability and a solid income.

I am happy that my family is thriving. My wife continues to move beyond her health problems of ten years ago. Each one of my kids are becoming their own individuals and in a few short years will become independent. This trip to Texas is part of getting in our last bits of childhood and family as we know it.

I am happy to have this forum. While I haven’t done all the things I have hoped to have done, I find writing cathartic and a form of therapy. In some ways, I don’t know if I would enjoy podcasting as much. I do think that I will make an effort to try next year. While blogging may now be passé, I enjoy it. In some ways, I like the fact that there are few regular readers because it is like my own public journal. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sure that I would like making this my full time endeavor, it is little steps at time.

There is a phrase that says stability breeds complacency.  I know that to be true.  I was happier when I was free (read: unemployed) but I was scared and still am to a degree about the future.  I guess when I get to the end, I will know for sure whether I made the right decision.  My retirement account was drained to get us through those two years.  Now, I need to not only build it up but also make up for lost time. 

Was it worth it to essentially end up at the same place?  My going in plan was to build a business that could earn an income such that I could compensate for my future plans, more like passive income.  Since I have not exactly done that, there is a degree of uncertainty that follows me around.  I think that leads directly my next item to be thankful for.

Hopefully, we all continue to grow and I think this year my spirituality has grown. I have had a more intimate relationship where I have ‘heard’ things that I never had.  I always thought that I was open, but this year I have made attempts to reconcile and seek answers with prayer.  It feels right.

End Your Programming Routine:  I don’t know if this is true or not.  It was said that the pilgrims took a break to celebrate and praise God before the long New England winter.  They didn’t know if they would make it to the next year or not but they did what they could and hoped for the best, knowing that this life is only a vessel to the next.  That is Thanksgiving.  

October 1, 2021 – It is Opening Weekend of Deer Season and I am Going Fishing

October 1, 2021 /

Let’s hope that caps the week of food with more food. When I was a kid, I was so excited for opening weekend of deer season. When I was a teenager, I used to dream of when I was older, I could spend more time in the woods. Now that I am here, I hope to get out once in the season. This isn’t going to be the weekend for hunting but I will spend some time with my family fishing.

I talked about this a few weeks ago when I was talking about the decline of the outdoorsman. While my dad didn’t spend months straight in the woods, we did split hunting and fishing about equally. He always has owned a boat and we would go out at least once a year. He would take a fishing trip with his friends usually around Father’s Day. We used to go salmon fishing as kids. So, I like fishing too.

Since my dad has retired, we have been applying for draw tags in eastern Oregon. We get them about every three years. Since we won last year, this year we didn’t and decided to go fishing instead. I have applied every year for the last ten years. But I have only gone one time even though we have gotten tags three times. We did get his rifle sighted in last Friday however.

When I left my job in South Carolina, I moved back to Oregon and joined the company that my dad had worked his entire career. I remember talking with my uncle and he said “That’s great. Now you can have lunch together every day.” I remember feeling a little guilty that I barely saw him, let alone had lunch. And to some degree, I carry some of that guilt today. We live about twenty minutes apart and yet it will frequently be months in-between talking.

I do believe that the quote “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” applies here. But I can’t help and think that there isn’t something slightly wrong with me. If I get truly personal, I am overwhelmed by the size and volume of my wife’s family and when I am not in that I want my personal space.

The events over the last six weeks have definitely had an impact on me. I have seen my parents aging, I have seen the slight decline in physical ability and I know that the horizon is in view. It definitely has gotten me thinking about trying to spend more quality time while I have the chance to do it and I need to be more aware of the signs of decline.

My brother, dad and uncle left yesterday. Me being a single parent right now, I couldn’t swing the time off, I was hoping to leave tonight. but my kids have to play pep band at the football game tonight. So, we will have to settle for Saturday and Sunday. We didn’t do any family camping this year and I have never gone with my kids and without my wife but I am really looking forward to it.

End Your Programming Routine: I don’t really care if we catch any fish although I think it is likely we will. The weather is supposed to be pleasant and I have a good time with that crew. The point of this is to spend some time together doing something we enjoy. It is looking like next weekend is out, but I am still going to get some time in the woods this season before it ends.

September 8, 2021 – The Book of John and Loving Like Jesus

September 8, 2021 /

It is hard for me to convey how difficult this time has been. It is not that I can’t do the job using words, but that I don’t want to get deeply into explaining the situation. It involves the feelings of loss and despair along with a history of conflict. But for context reasons I will provide an abstract summary below.

Let us just say that there is a significant person in my life that is struggling. There has been a history of conflict with this individual. As a result of the conflict, most people including children have distanced themselves to the point where they are unwilling to do much more than topical help. This person is at a point where help is necessary to function on a day to day basis.

To be 100% fair, this is not my burden to bear alone. In fact, I am a lessor party in this dynamic and it is more directly impacting my wife. The problem is that we are also having some issues related our differences. We have been seeing a counselor over the summertime to try and help. We know the problems, it is more about how to move beyond them.

In general, I am opposed to conflict. Intellectually I know that sometimes it is necessary, my issue is the frequency, intensity and root cause of the conflict. I understand that there is a give and take in a relationship. For the most part, I am ambivalent about a lot of things and then the problem is that I don’t have strong enough opinion leads conflict. For those reasons, I have been tempted to give up but for some reason God pulls me in.

This entire year, our church has been going through a series on the book of John. I didn’t give it much thought last fall when the series began. The truth is, sometimes I have a hard time with continuity because I would estimate that we attend 50% of Sundays. One time a month, we are at the church but teaching in the children’s area and missed the service altogether.

Not this year, with the sermons getting put onto podcast form, I can now listen at any point in the week. That has made me follow the progression more closely and it has also put more faith touchpoints in different parts of the week. Consequently, I have put more thought into the message and how it applies to my life.

If I am honest, there are times that I have not lived to the values that I aspire. Christians would label as ‘sin’ but I think a better descriptor would be ‘humanness’. It is not easy to engage in a situation that outside of your comfort level no matter how right it is supposed to be.

Let me cut to the chase, do you help someone significantly if you can’t stand to be around them and you are the only person willing to entertain the thought at this time? If I play devil’s advocate for just a second, the faith dichotomy comes to head. One end of the spectrum there is living like Jesus versus the god will provide belief.

My journey through this year has led me more to the former and living like Jesus. It is the reason that I made an attempt to resolve relationships with my brother in law. The thing that I did wrong was not trying to understand his perspective and stop having a relationship as a result. Despite doing that, I am under no illusion that there won’t be difficult times in our relationship in the future.

How else can you reconcile values versus action? By doing the difficult things because they are the right things to do is the only thing I know. Standing alone is difficult, it is thankless and it makes you question your decisions. But, I think that is the only way.

End Your Programming Routine: This situation is not all entirely my decision on how to proceed. So, I cannot say how it will ultimately play out. What I am trying to convey today is that regardless of the choice, the path is not easy. Additionally, I appreciate the opportunity to follow along in various forms of media to help me walk my walk. We can only get ‘better’ as humans by looking at our actions and striving to make corrections for the future.

August 30, 2021 – We Made it Through

August 30, 2021 /

I am all over the place this morning. It doesn’t happen very often, but today I completely scrapped what I initially wrote and started over. It was an emotionally and physically draining weekend with the funeral of my father-in-law Frank. I think part of my indecisiveness this morning has to do with the juxtaposition of feelings that multiple people have. I will try to explain.

Before the service, my wife was saying that she was feeling light headed and feint. This was after waking up with a headache and an upset stomach. I felt it was anxiety which she denied it but I know but having had all those symptoms related to anxiety myself, I am almost sure of it. Things calmed down a bit as we readied to get to the funeral home and arranged all of the memorabilia and prepared for the service, until my mother-in-law showed up.

She was a wreck, I had never seen her so despondent. She couldn’t walk without two people’s help, she couldn’t breathe, I don’t think that she was even aware of what was going on around her during the service. That was definitely anxiety. We weren’t even sure if my brother-in-law Juaquin was going to attend the service and he wasn’t on the docket to speak but he did. I don’t want to diverge too much, however there has been lots of strain between my brother-in-law and the rest of the family including my mother.

When I spoke to my wife August 13, I told her that after a prayer for the family, it was on my heart to try and reconcile with Juaquin. I knew that I wasn’t living my values by trying to block out my brother-in-law. As Frank was the family peacekeeper he was the one that always looked after his son and he would want that if at all possible. I decided that I would try to apologize and see if we could move past our differences but had not had a chance to do so yet.

As was customary for Juaquin, he wanted to have the last word and inserted himself into the program after all of the eulogy was completed while the service was in progress. He spoke the truth. The truth was that Frank did not have any desire for a bunch of fuss of a funeral. It was an angry kind of Malcolm-X like tone, nevertheless it was true. What was also true was that my wife also spoke truth. She spoke the words ‘were you hungry?’, ‘were you cold?’, ‘what do you need?’. This funeral was not for Frank, this was for his wife to appease the guilt of his death, it was for his family and friends to see him one more time.

There is still a lot of hurt and hangups here. There is misplaced blame of why and where and all that. Trust me, there is much more to the back story than I have relayed, but it is personal and inappropriate for me to write about. Unfortunately, all the plans post the funeral were changed because it was just too raw for some and we needed to spend time on healing. With that, we spent most of yesterday cleaning up and delivering leftover flowers to people that had attempted to help the family post the funeral.

End Your Programming Routine: I did say that I was sorry to Juaquin for the past and that I would like to move forward. He accepted it lukewarmly, I think that was about the best I could hope for and didn’t leave a lot of room for more than that. At least I can say that I will try to be more empathetic and look through his eyes before judgement and typecasting.

April 26, 2021- Good Things to Come

April 26, 2021 /

After a brief hiatus, I am trying to piece time together where I can. I am working more than full time, and my wife was gone over half of last week. In addition, I am trying to build an office so I can keep my feet warm while I work on this project (not to mention work). I had to spend a number of hours this last weekend gathering tax information as well as working but I cleared some of the fog out to come up with some ideas that I want to get out there.

I can feel some of my determination slipping. It is hard to work all day in front of a computer and then dedicate another hour or more to do this. My mental clarity starts to wane as I get into early afternoon and I want to do something physical after work.

An interesting thing happened yesterday. I was watching the piano player play at Worship and I was thinking about how much it appears that he enjoys playing the piano. My mind wandered a bit and I was thinking about how someone turns passion into a career. I was thinking about the local high school drama teacher and how he plays piano and sings and so forth. Since a career in music is a tough go, people that have a particular interest that career field find outlets that may be paying (or not) an related pursuit. At the very least, performing weekly is that sort of outlet.

For me, some of my passions could be money making while others seem to be money burning. But, it shook me back to looking for a way to convert my interests into a career. I have been so focused on making a good impression in my new job and focusing on everything that goes along with that that I forgot where I want to go. Don’t get me wrong, this job is fine but in my heart of hearts I wouldn’t be doing it if I had another option.

It sort of goes hand in hand with this week’s message; focusing on pleasing people instead of pleasing the Lord. I hope that I am right that I think our individual purpose will go hand in hand with God’s will. I believe that it is a test in keeping the mind and ears open. From what I have seen, when people find their purpose, they are happy and at peace with all that entails. Maybe I need to find my outlets outside of work and change my outlook or maybe I need to keep trying? I don’t know. But that stemmed a bunch of new ideas here, so stay tuned.

February 5, 2021 – Testimony Time

February 5, 2021 /

I don’t get religious a lot. I am sensitive to people believing how they want to believe and not getting into their faces about it. That being said, sometimes you have to out yourself when things go the way your beliefs work. I am going to talk in circles for a minute and then I will get to the issue at hand.

I was going to write again about 1984 today. However, I have been working on another deal that came through today. I signed a commitment to begin working in the professional arena again today. That will likely impact my dedication to this project and others that I have had up in the air.

I have mixed feelings a bit. This new endeavor may involve moving eventually. The working hours are Central Standard Time as it is all remote minus some level of travel. I took a significant pay cut from where I left my career in 2019. Despite all of that, there is a phrase that is thrown around in Christian vocabulary, “God provides”.

When I first left my job, mid-April 2019 my plan was to take the rest of the month off, decompress and then decide what my next steps were. I decompressed for a couple of weeks and then I was contacted by a recruiter to interview for a position as the head of Manufacturing Execution Systems for a regional supermarket chain. After I didn’t land that position, I interviewed for several opportunities that had significant downsides like more than 50% travel that I declined. I wasn’t ready to be employed again, at least under those circumstances.

Because of that, I basically took the rest of 2019 off. I was entertaining offers when they came, but not actively looking. My head and heart were not in employment. I knew that I wanted to try and start my own thing but I didn’t get much farther than that.

In the beginning of 2020, my wife and I discussed reality. We were not in a financial situation where I could never work again. Despite that, Covid-19 hit and the job market changed radically. For someone in my position, I was in a difficult spot. I needed to secure employment but hiring freezes were largely in place. Even postings had gone largely virtual. I was in a huge vortex of people needing jobs and no jobs available or known.

In the mean time, we invested a lot of money into remodeling our Accessory Dwelling Unit (little house). It was in sad shape. We could see that our savings was going to be gone by October of 2020. I put some energy into marketing my handyman skills but the business didn’t materialize in a way that I had hoped. Luckily, Amazon was hiring everyone that was qualified to deliver packages. This wasn’t enough income but it was enough to survive. We cut expenses, sold unnecessary items like my Mustang and lowered our needs.

Still, driving for Amazon was not the solution. I have enjoyed it for what it was but another recruiter contacted me right about the time I started driving. I had several interviews in December and then things went cold. I even assumed that I need to stop holding out hope and look elsewhere, which I did. But, low and behold they came back last week and wanted to talk again. That is where I am today.

The story is nice, but now to the main point of what I am writing, “God provides”. This is not something that I take lightly. Maybe my eyes haven’t been open, maybe this was a real test of faith. I have always heard this, but haven’t really lived it. I have always believed that you have to help yourself in the process.

God provided me with a spouse that pushed me into quitting my job in 2019. I have been on a nearly two year vacation. I was able to sell assets quickly that helped keep us afloat. I was given an opportunity to pick up some side work as well as a small steady income until my next opportunity was right.

2020 was an amazing year for me in terms of personal growth. I turned a more faithful and opportunistic leaf that I probably wouldn’t have done if I didn’t make a leap. Believe me, it was a true leap of faith, without as much faith. I can’t really recommend doing what I did, but I think that it worked out for me.

If I was to do it all over again, I would have tried to secure employment like driving for Amazon much earlier in the process so as to not exhaust all of our savings as quickly. That would have given time to build my business in a more organic and sustainable way rather than hope to hit the jackpot in the first spot I dug.

I hold hope that things will click and this will be a good decision, despite my reservations. The worst case scenario is that I can buy some more time to find the next thing. I am going to go with “God provides” at the moment.

December 22, 2020 – Is Christmas Really What You Think?

December 22, 2020 /

This is for sure a holiday that I struggle with. Call me selfish, call me a Grinch or a scrooge maybe. I wanted so much to assign a newer or different reality to the holiday but chock it up to a long line of non-conforming beliefs.

Growing up a Christian, it was ingrained that this was a celebration for the birth of Jesus. My world was rocked when I was a Junior in High School and we talked about the origin of Christmas in Latin class. I had never heard of such things, it was so foreign that it took me years to accept the truth.

Alright, rewind. It is well established that the winter solstice has been recognized by indigenous cultures throughout the world. Winter solstice has a place in agrarian life because it celebrated the transition between daylight getting shorter and daylight getting longer. One of those celebrations was the Roman version, called Saturnalia.

Saturnalia was a celebration named after the Roman god Saturn, who happened to be the god of agriculture. One description I read was that it was that it was akin to Mardi Gras; an over the top party. I suppose that you could see the appeal, I mean who doesn’t like to have fun. Gift giving was one of the traditions that went along with week long party.

As the church was growing in influence and Rome was diminishing, the popularity of Saturnalia was not. It is believed that Pope Julius I co-opted Saturnalia into December 25 as the ‘official’ birthday of Jesus. Even though it is believed that his actual birthday would have been in the early springtime.

Maybe I just haven’t accepted the reality that everything is what it is. I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised people believe in traditions that are not always what they seem or are even based on reality as we are told. There is a lot different brands around the type of holiday be it ‘Hallmark’ or religious or ‘the magic of the season’. For me, maybe I will lean toward Festivus, for the rest of us.

November 23, 2020 – You have to want it

November 23, 2020 /

I will be more forthcoming about what I am up to as time goes on. However, let’s just say that I was busy this weekend and I missed church for the first time in months. Since we host a small group, we just can go willy-nilly, we are committed to attending as much as possible.

Good news for me, they have started releasing the audio in podcast format and it works really nicely to listen to it while I am walking the dog in the morning. This is something that I have started about a two months or so in the spirit of getting more connected to faith and doing something different than I always have. The real intent is to spend time reflecting on the day, to prioritize the most important things and to pray on the issues, particularly my issues.

The big message this week is about healing wounds by doing something different. Of course it is bent towards doing something different in Christian tone. But, some of the first words of the sermon got me right where I was week, I suppose that you would say committal or even want.

I have talked about this some in the past. I have talked about my lack of jumping when there are two sides of the fence. As I have analyzed my situation in life, it is a bit like arguing minutia. If both sides have significant drawbacks, than is one side better (or worse) than the other? The answer is probably not and by staying on the fence, I am delaying the inevitable including the the inevitability to move on in life.

This idea continues to play a theme in my life. I first realized the significance of the concept when I was dealing with addiction. I was reading the pamphlet that came with the gum and one of the first things it said after all the false congratulations was that “you have to want to quit”. I was immediately struck by my stance. In past attempts, I really didn’t want to quit, I wanted to 95% quit. I wanted the freedom and choice without the reality. I wanted my wife off my back, I didn’t want to be judged or condemned, I didn’t want my kids to see me. I didn’t really want to quit.

Since I realized my issue, I have seen it crop up in other scenarios. For instance, I have noticed on most job interviews, I don’t really want the job. I feel the pressure to need the job is high, but in every instance I am very reluctant to give my soul away again to another employer. The alternative is to seek unacceptably low paying jobs that don’t require that level commitment. That has not really been an option either. So, the results have proven that I have had just enough self sabotage to not get the job. I am too good for entry level and no where near good enough to go up a level.

When it comes to branding and building my own business, I can find lots of things that I don’t want to do. I really don’t want to get too deep into social media. I know that is probably the number one thing holding me back at this point. I haven’t wanted to ‘advertise’ on Nextdoor or Facebook. I haven’t wanted to become active on MeWe or YouTube. I am not quite sure what this says about me and what I think I want, but I think that it says that I probably won’t be successful in this area either.

Turning the corner toward inspiration, I believe that once we as humans set our minds to something, those obstacles fail to become issues for us. Quitting addiction is a mindset much more than it is physically (in most cases). Once the conscious decision is made, the rest is commitment and follow through. I won’t say it is easy because you have have resolve that every day is a new battle and you will be tested. You can’t rest on success yesterday and it does becomes easier.

As for my other problems, I don’t know where I am being led. It is not easy for me to always know or see what I want. It seems like I am in spiritual boot camp of sorts. This journey is breaking down the old thoughts and reforming new ones with the wisdom of age. That has to count for something.

October 5, 2020 – Have you heard of the ‘Hairy Armpit’ Theory

October 4, 2020 /

I guess that it is a theory. I will credit a former co-worker with the idea. The basic idea is that you leave something blatantly wrong so that people will focus on that problem and not dig in too deep to look for other problems. So, to bring the whole picture around, in North America you would not generally expect to see a woman have a hairy armpit. Therefore, you would not look for any additional flaws because this one is so evokes such a strong perception.

My ‘Hairy Armpit’ is the spelling of Ressurection versus the real spelling of Resurrection (largely because the proper spelling was already taken). Nobody has ever made any comment on it and I acknowledge in my About page the misspelling. Going back to my ‘Toolbox Fallacy’, it has been my intent to move this blog to a real domain and do proper marketing, etc but I haven’t because well, you know why (see above).

However, I found another situation that was not known to me, more akin to walking around with your zipper undone. I really liked the idea and concept around the word Floricane. I have never searched for my own blog to connect, only sent links out for people to connect. My son was trying to setup a subscription to follow and I noticed that Floricane in the header has been misspelled for nearly a year. I thought that I checked that multiple times, even doing web searches related to the other domains using the term.

How embarrassing. That is sophomoric level editing and presentation and here I thought that I was being sophisticated and clever. I guess that the only thing to do is correct the problem and move on to promote somebody else’s clever concept of the ‘Hairy Armpit’ theory.

I haven’t talked about faith in a while, but this week’s message has a poignant intersection. To go to a super high level, we need help as people where we can. To ascend to higher spiritual levels, we need to concern ourselves with the problems of others. I think that as a matter of principle, it is our responsibility to help people by pointing out their ‘Hairy Armpits’ (discreetly) because maybe they just don’t know about it or at least the cultural standards.

It may also be twisted logic but I think that to effectively help others, you have to keep working on yourself. Just like the foster parent commercial, you don’t have to be perfect to be a foster parent, simply willing to try. However, the moment you have it all figured out is the moment that you have failed. Keep working to move past your issues, do the best you can to correct your errors and help people to the best of your ability. Those are principles that regardless of your beliefs will make a better world.