Category: Christianity

August 30, 2021 – We Made it Through

August 30, 2021 /

I am all over the place this morning. It doesn’t happen very often, but today I completely scrapped what I initially wrote and started over. It was an emotionally and physically draining weekend with the funeral of my father-in-law Frank. I think part of my indecisiveness this morning has to do with the juxtaposition of feelings that multiple people have. I will try to explain.

Before the service, my wife was saying that she was feeling light headed and feint. This was after waking up with a headache and an upset stomach. I felt it was anxiety which she denied it but I know but having had all those symptoms related to anxiety myself, I am almost sure of it. Things calmed down a bit as we readied to get to the funeral home and arranged all of the memorabilia and prepared for the service, until my mother-in-law showed up.

She was a wreck, I had never seen her so despondent. She couldn’t walk without two people’s help, she couldn’t breathe, I don’t think that she was even aware of what was going on around her during the service. That was definitely anxiety. We weren’t even sure if my brother-in-law Juaquin was going to attend the service and he wasn’t on the docket to speak but he did. I don’t want to diverge too much, however there has been lots of strain between my brother-in-law and the rest of the family including my mother.

When I spoke to my wife August 13, I told her that after a prayer for the family, it was on my heart to try and reconcile with Juaquin. I knew that I wasn’t living my values by trying to block out my brother-in-law. As Frank was the family peacekeeper he was the one that always looked after his son and he would want that if at all possible. I decided that I would try to apologize and see if we could move past our differences but had not had a chance to do so yet.

As was customary for Juaquin, he wanted to have the last word and inserted himself into the program after all of the eulogy was completed while the service was in progress. He spoke the truth. The truth was that Frank did not have any desire for a bunch of fuss of a funeral. It was an angry kind of Malcolm-X like tone, nevertheless it was true. What was also true was that my wife also spoke truth. She spoke the words ‘were you hungry?’, ‘were you cold?’, ‘what do you need?’. This funeral was not for Frank, this was for his wife to appease the guilt of his death, it was for his family and friends to see him one more time.

There is still a lot of hurt and hangups here. There is misplaced blame of why and where and all that. Trust me, there is much more to the back story than I have relayed, but it is personal and inappropriate for me to write about. Unfortunately, all the plans post the funeral were changed because it was just too raw for some and we needed to spend time on healing. With that, we spent most of yesterday cleaning up and delivering leftover flowers to people that had attempted to help the family post the funeral.

End Your Programming Routine: I did say that I was sorry to Juaquin for the past and that I would like to move forward. He accepted it lukewarmly, I think that was about the best I could hope for and didn’t leave a lot of room for more than that. At least I can say that I will try to be more empathetic and look through his eyes before judgement and typecasting.

April 26, 2021- Good Things to Come

April 26, 2021 /

After a brief hiatus, I am trying to piece time together where I can. I am working more than full time, and my wife was gone over half of last week. In addition, I am trying to build an office so I can keep my feet warm while I work on this project (not to mention work). I had to spend a number of hours this last weekend gathering tax information as well as working but I cleared some of the fog out to come up with some ideas that I want to get out there.

I can feel some of my determination slipping. It is hard to work all day in front of a computer and then dedicate another hour or more to do this. My mental clarity starts to wane as I get into early afternoon and I want to do something physical after work.

An interesting thing happened yesterday. I was watching the piano player play at Worship and I was thinking about how much it appears that he enjoys playing the piano. My mind wandered a bit and I was thinking about how someone turns passion into a career. I was thinking about the local high school drama teacher and how he plays piano and sings and so forth. Since a career in music is a tough go, people that have a particular interest that career field find outlets that may be paying (or not) an related pursuit. At the very least, performing weekly is that sort of outlet.

For me, some of my passions could be money making while others seem to be money burning. But, it shook me back to looking for a way to convert my interests into a career. I have been so focused on making a good impression in my new job and focusing on everything that goes along with that that I forgot where I want to go. Don’t get me wrong, this job is fine but in my heart of hearts I wouldn’t be doing it if I had another option.

It sort of goes hand in hand with this week’s message; focusing on pleasing people instead of pleasing the Lord. I hope that I am right that I think our individual purpose will go hand in hand with God’s will. I believe that it is a test in keeping the mind and ears open. From what I have seen, when people find their purpose, they are happy and at peace with all that entails. Maybe I need to find my outlets outside of work and change my outlook or maybe I need to keep trying? I don’t know. But that stemmed a bunch of new ideas here, so stay tuned.

February 5, 2021 – Testimony Time

February 5, 2021 /

I don’t get religious a lot. I am sensitive to people believing how they want to believe and not getting into their faces about it. That being said, sometimes you have to out yourself when things go the way your beliefs work. I am going to talk in circles for a minute and then I will get to the issue at hand.

I was going to write again about 1984 today. However, I have been working on another deal that came through today. I signed a commitment to begin working in the professional arena again today. That will likely impact my dedication to this project and others that I have had up in the air.

I have mixed feelings a bit. This new endeavor may involve moving eventually. The working hours are Central Standard Time as it is all remote minus some level of travel. I took a significant pay cut from where I left my career in 2019. Despite all of that, there is a phrase that is thrown around in Christian vocabulary, “God provides”.

When I first left my job, mid-April 2019 my plan was to take the rest of the month off, decompress and then decide what my next steps were. I decompressed for a couple of weeks and then I was contacted by a recruiter to interview for a position as the head of Manufacturing Execution Systems for a regional supermarket chain. After I didn’t land that position, I interviewed for several opportunities that had significant downsides like more than 50% travel that I declined. I wasn’t ready to be employed again, at least under those circumstances.

Because of that, I basically took the rest of 2019 off. I was entertaining offers when they came, but not actively looking. My head and heart were not in employment. I knew that I wanted to try and start my own thing but I didn’t get much farther than that.

In the beginning of 2020, my wife and I discussed reality. We were not in a financial situation where I could never work again. Despite that, Covid-19 hit and the job market changed radically. For someone in my position, I was in a difficult spot. I needed to secure employment but hiring freezes were largely in place. Even postings had gone largely virtual. I was in a huge vortex of people needing jobs and no jobs available or known.

In the mean time, we invested a lot of money into remodeling our Accessory Dwelling Unit (little house). It was in sad shape. We could see that our savings was going to be gone by October of 2020. I put some energy into marketing my handyman skills but the business didn’t materialize in a way that I had hoped. Luckily, Amazon was hiring everyone that was qualified to deliver packages. This wasn’t enough income but it was enough to survive. We cut expenses, sold unnecessary items like my Mustang and lowered our needs.

Still, driving for Amazon was not the solution. I have enjoyed it for what it was but another recruiter contacted me right about the time I started driving. I had several interviews in December and then things went cold. I even assumed that I need to stop holding out hope and look elsewhere, which I did. But, low and behold they came back last week and wanted to talk again. That is where I am today.

The story is nice, but now to the main point of what I am writing, “God provides”. This is not something that I take lightly. Maybe my eyes haven’t been open, maybe this was a real test of faith. I have always heard this, but haven’t really lived it. I have always believed that you have to help yourself in the process.

God provided me with a spouse that pushed me into quitting my job in 2019. I have been on a nearly two year vacation. I was able to sell assets quickly that helped keep us afloat. I was given an opportunity to pick up some side work as well as a small steady income until my next opportunity was right.

2020 was an amazing year for me in terms of personal growth. I turned a more faithful and opportunistic leaf that I probably wouldn’t have done if I didn’t make a leap. Believe me, it was a true leap of faith, without as much faith. I can’t really recommend doing what I did, but I think that it worked out for me.

If I was to do it all over again, I would have tried to secure employment like driving for Amazon much earlier in the process so as to not exhaust all of our savings as quickly. That would have given time to build my business in a more organic and sustainable way rather than hope to hit the jackpot in the first spot I dug.

I hold hope that things will click and this will be a good decision, despite my reservations. The worst case scenario is that I can buy some more time to find the next thing. I am going to go with “God provides” at the moment.

December 22, 2020 – Is Christmas Really What You Think?

December 22, 2020 /

This is for sure a holiday that I struggle with. Call me selfish, call me a Grinch or a scrooge maybe. I wanted so much to assign a newer or different reality to the holiday but chock it up to a long line of non-conforming beliefs.

Growing up a Christian, it was ingrained that this was a celebration for the birth of Jesus. My world was rocked when I was a Junior in High School and we talked about the origin of Christmas in Latin class. I had never heard of such things, it was so foreign that it took me years to accept the truth.

Alright, rewind. It is well established that the winter solstice has been recognized by indigenous cultures throughout the world. Winter solstice has a place in agrarian life because it celebrated the transition between daylight getting shorter and daylight getting longer. One of those celebrations was the Roman version, called Saturnalia.

Saturnalia was a celebration named after the Roman god Saturn, who happened to be the god of agriculture. One description I read was that it was that it was akin to Mardi Gras; an over the top party. I suppose that you could see the appeal, I mean who doesn’t like to have fun. Gift giving was one of the traditions that went along with week long party.

As the church was growing in influence and Rome was diminishing, the popularity of Saturnalia was not. It is believed that Pope Julius I co-opted Saturnalia into December 25 as the ‘official’ birthday of Jesus. Even though it is believed that his actual birthday would have been in the early springtime.

Maybe I just haven’t accepted the reality that everything is what it is. I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised people believe in traditions that are not always what they seem or are even based on reality as we are told. There is a lot different brands around the type of holiday be it ‘Hallmark’ or religious or ‘the magic of the season’. For me, maybe I will lean toward Festivus, for the rest of us.

November 23, 2020 – You have to want it

November 23, 2020 /

I will be more forthcoming about what I am up to as time goes on. However, let’s just say that I was busy this weekend and I missed church for the first time in months. Since we host a small group, we just can go willy-nilly, we are committed to attending as much as possible.

Good news for me, they have started releasing the audio in podcast format and it works really nicely to listen to it while I am walking the dog in the morning. This is something that I have started about a two months or so in the spirit of getting more connected to faith and doing something different than I always have. The real intent is to spend time reflecting on the day, to prioritize the most important things and to pray on the issues, particularly my issues.

The big message this week is about healing wounds by doing something different. Of course it is bent towards doing something different in Christian tone. But, some of the first words of the sermon got me right where I was week, I suppose that you would say committal or even want.

I have talked about this some in the past. I have talked about my lack of jumping when there are two sides of the fence. As I have analyzed my situation in life, it is a bit like arguing minutia. If both sides have significant drawbacks, than is one side better (or worse) than the other? The answer is probably not and by staying on the fence, I am delaying the inevitable including the the inevitability to move on in life.

This idea continues to play a theme in my life. I first realized the significance of the concept when I was dealing with addiction. I was reading the pamphlet that came with the gum and one of the first things it said after all the false congratulations was that “you have to want to quit”. I was immediately struck by my stance. In past attempts, I really didn’t want to quit, I wanted to 95% quit. I wanted the freedom and choice without the reality. I wanted my wife off my back, I didn’t want to be judged or condemned, I didn’t want my kids to see me. I didn’t really want to quit.

Since I realized my issue, I have seen it crop up in other scenarios. For instance, I have noticed on most job interviews, I don’t really want the job. I feel the pressure to need the job is high, but in every instance I am very reluctant to give my soul away again to another employer. The alternative is to seek unacceptably low paying jobs that don’t require that level commitment. That has not really been an option either. So, the results have proven that I have had just enough self sabotage to not get the job. I am too good for entry level and no where near good enough to go up a level.

When it comes to branding and building my own business, I can find lots of things that I don’t want to do. I really don’t want to get too deep into social media. I know that is probably the number one thing holding me back at this point. I haven’t wanted to ‘advertise’ on Nextdoor or Facebook. I haven’t wanted to become active on MeWe or YouTube. I am not quite sure what this says about me and what I think I want, but I think that it says that I probably won’t be successful in this area either.

Turning the corner toward inspiration, I believe that once we as humans set our minds to something, those obstacles fail to become issues for us. Quitting addiction is a mindset much more than it is physically (in most cases). Once the conscious decision is made, the rest is commitment and follow through. I won’t say it is easy because you have have resolve that every day is a new battle and you will be tested. You can’t rest on success yesterday and it does becomes easier.

As for my other problems, I don’t know where I am being led. It is not easy for me to always know or see what I want. It seems like I am in spiritual boot camp of sorts. This journey is breaking down the old thoughts and reforming new ones with the wisdom of age. That has to count for something.

October 5, 2020 – Have you heard of the ‘Hairy Armpit’ Theory

October 4, 2020 /

I guess that it is a theory. I will credit a former co-worker with the idea. The basic idea is that you leave something blatantly wrong so that people will focus on that problem and not dig in too deep to look for other problems. So, to bring the whole picture around, in North America you would not generally expect to see a woman have a hairy armpit. Therefore, you would not look for any additional flaws because this one is so evokes such a strong perception.

My ‘Hairy Armpit’ is the spelling of Ressurection versus the real spelling of Resurrection (largely because the proper spelling was already taken). Nobody has ever made any comment on it and I acknowledge in my About page the misspelling. Going back to my ‘Toolbox Fallacy’, it has been my intent to move this blog to a real domain and do proper marketing, etc but I haven’t because well, you know why (see above).

However, I found another situation that was not known to me, more akin to walking around with your zipper undone. I really liked the idea and concept around the word Floricane. I have never searched for my own blog to connect, only sent links out for people to connect. My son was trying to setup a subscription to follow and I noticed that Floricane in the header has been misspelled for nearly a year. I thought that I checked that multiple times, even doing web searches related to the other domains using the term.

How embarrassing. That is sophomoric level editing and presentation and here I thought that I was being sophisticated and clever. I guess that the only thing to do is correct the problem and move on to promote somebody else’s clever concept of the ‘Hairy Armpit’ theory.

I haven’t talked about faith in a while, but this week’s message has a poignant intersection. To go to a super high level, we need help as people where we can. To ascend to higher spiritual levels, we need to concern ourselves with the problems of others. I think that as a matter of principle, it is our responsibility to help people by pointing out their ‘Hairy Armpits’ (discreetly) because maybe they just don’t know about it or at least the cultural standards.

It may also be twisted logic but I think that to effectively help others, you have to keep working on yourself. Just like the foster parent commercial, you don’t have to be perfect to be a foster parent, simply willing to try. However, the moment you have it all figured out is the moment that you have failed. Keep working to move past your issues, do the best you can to correct your errors and help people to the best of your ability. Those are principles that regardless of your beliefs will make a better world.

August 31, 2020 – Have you ever been audited by the IRS?

August 31, 2020 /

Anybody…? Well, I can tell you from personal experience that it is not fun. I probably didn’t need another issue to deal with right now. Fortunately, I am fairly well organized, understand the risks and rules for the most part and it is still a pain in the butt. Not to mention that the attorney costs $250/hour.

In this age of electronic statements, sometimes it is not even possible obtain information. I have statements that went to my previous work e-mail that do not exist anymore. With rollovers and closed accounts I no longer have information that is being requested.

I will spare all of the analysis and insights of the weekly message. If you are interested, you can watch the link yourself. However, the thrust of the message is “what in your life needs to be reborn?”

Looking at things, I think you could say that many of my former peers might say that that I need to rebuild my life. But in this context, you might say that my life is being reborn. A rebuilt life would be moving into a similar job in a related field. It would also be working seven days a week if necessary and being available 24 hours a day. It would be prioritizing a customers/clients desires over my family. It would be taking phone calls during my kids Christmas concerts and having meetings on Christmas Day.

I am not totally against all of that, I am just against it for me now. Everyone needs to hustle, make a name for themselves and learn what they like and are capable of. Everyone needs to push lines until they realize that they are on the wrong side or went too far.

I am at the point where I have learned many of those lessons. I am also trying something new, letting go of control and the safe choices that went along with those choices. That is really scary, but I think that it is a lesson in faith for me. I don’t really want to retire from life, I just want to do something that is less demanding of my attention and loyalties.

I hope that there is something moving me to a stronger and healthier direction. This audit will pass, this season will pass. With the benefit of hindsight, it will be much clearer what is happing.

August 12, 2020 – Empathy, still working on that one

August 12, 2020 /

It is interesting that my wife and I are on two different sides of this spectrum. You might say that she is so empathetic, it hurts and I am so non-empathetic, it hurts. Yesterday, we were leaving a burial of a family friend and we were talking about emotions. She was aching for the families’ pain and I don’t really know how to express it.

It was a Catholic service and in there tradition, a meal following the service almost always follows. We talked about our preference to work in the kitchen and serve rather than intermingle and socialize. Because both of our emotions are a bit paralytic in those circumstances on completely opposite sides of the spectrum.

There may be a principal at work here. If you start paying attention, then you start hearing things as they apply to you. It sure seems like these series of sermons are coming right at me. They are right to the weak parts of my being. I drew out the points in the sermon for quick reference below.

  • What do we do with other peoples pain
  • Don’t race past God’s pace
  • Driven in the vision

Certainly one and two speak directly to me and my circumstances. Maybe I am doing an OK job with number three. It seems like my writing might be part of my being sent (even if no one is reading 🙂 ). I suppose one of the solutions to building better empathy is more frequent and intense prayer; also not something I have been diligent about.

Having conversations with Ben, another part of being sent is hosting a small group. This experience has been way more therapeutic than I ever imagined. I guess that it just goes to show that a leap of faith and stretching your comfort zone can pay dividends. It has definitely made me dwell much more frequently on the word and looking at my actions through a different light, hopefully better. This has definitely been a year of new experiences in life. So, here are this week’s questions.

  • How do you grieve with those who grieve? Who is in your heart?
  • What might be holding you back from being sent by Jesus into the community?

August 3, 2020 – And now, the opposite opinion from Friday

August 3, 2020 /

If you have been watching the online church services I have been posting in recent weeks, then you will know that the last several have been following the story of the biblical character Ezra. I will let you do your own watching and reading if you chose, but to summarize quickly for the point.

Ezra was a leader of the Jewish people migrating from Babylon to Jerusalem. The book of the bible describes some of the trials and tribulations of the journey. My church organization is using this story as a building block to discuss the fundamentals of how churches are built.

So, you remember last week where I said that you have got to do something, even if it was wrong? Well if you watch this, then you will get some conflicting advice. Now, I did actually write what I meant which is that is only do something for unimportant decisions. And that is truly not in conflict with the message.

As I think about the ideas of submission and compromise, I believe that the objective to waiting for an answer is actually the act communicating in prayer. I have heard it said by people that are more diligent about faith that the more you take the time, the more it seems quicker and more frequent.

I think that we have all had the moments where we realize we are in a sticky situation and we promise to change to get out of the problem. A small number of people probably do, I suspect the vast number of people are reaching for hope at the moment and when that situation changes people go back to what they were doing.

This week’s questions and discussion are

  • How to you express confession to God?
  • What are you waiting for right now?

I find it extremely prophetic that what I wrote about on Friday comes back around to smack me in the face on Sunday. It seems pretty clear to me that I need to continue to wait and have faith that my situation will change into what it is supposed to be.

It is very difficult to contextualize the events of today when you are in the middle of it. Once the true picture is revealed, you are able to see what decisions are made and grow from the experiences. I suppose it is very much like science. Conclusions are only made after the data is gathered, analyzed and tested against the hypothesis. So when we are in the middle of a situation, we are only gathering the data.

July 22, 2020 – Coping with discouragement from a Christian center

July 22, 2020 /

I am running a little behind this week. I chose to work on my project rather than watch this on Sunday, mostly because we were not going to have any small group attendees. So I watched the service this morning.

This was a message that I would recommend for anyone at any station. Not every one hits me and I can see myself on both sides of the argument. Before anyone thinks that I get too carried away, with ‘churchiness’ and religion I want to be clear that my voice is promoting my beliefs and values. Using the language… loving someone where they are at doesn’t always mean accepting every behavior.

If you have watched these services, you will know that they are a little formulaic. There are usually three bullet items that are the talking points to the message. Today’s talking points are the sources of discouragement.

  • Harrassment
  • Propaganda
  • Written Accusation

As someone that is experiencing a little discouragement at the moment, positive ideas are a welcome suggestion. I feel like I am stuck in a rut where I cannot move on until I finish this project that I am working on. On the other side, I cannot wait to finish my project to keep working toward looking for jobs and life’s other necessities.

I myself have a hard time of being in the moment. It is hard to enjoy the sunshine when you can see storm clouds in the distance. Sure, maybe the clouds will blow another direction, but it sure looks like they are coming this way. And the weather forecast is predicting the storm this way.

I am a very binary person. I have a hard time with obscure transition points. Maybe that is why I had a difficult time in calculus, for a peak the transition is easier, but for a gradual slope what is the transition? Deep down, I understand that this is the path that I need to walk in order to get to the destination. I also understand that in my beliefs that there is only so much you can do to influence the path.

My wife has an uncle that is dying. In many ways it is very sudden, in other’s not. He basically drank himself to death. He was OK to the point where about two months ago the doctors said that his liver was failing. Now, that is not to say that not managing diabetes for the last several years contributed. The amputation of several toes were warning signs of failing management. But there was always tomorrow to correct and change the situation.

I don’t think that there was enough time for the five stages of grief. Last I had heard, he was still in the depression phase. I tell this story because things can always be significantly worse. That family has some real discouragement, not my two bit issues.

My ideas for coping with discouragement are

  • Have time in the day to identify problems and propose potential solutions
  • Embrace the unknown to the best of your ability, see the first bullet point.
  • Have outlets for coping be it friends, journaling/blogging, exercise or physical exertion
  • Seek help from a qualified source if the problem is larger than you feel like you can address.

I get stuck in the embrace part frequently. For small groups, from the sermon, the questions of the week are

  • How have you faced opposition in your life?
  • What verse do you use to make it through the situation?