Author: bhayes952

September 5, 2024 – Peter Piper Picked a Pack Of Pickled …

Cucumbers. One of the things that my new approach has freed me to do is write more complete posts. In the recent past, I would have written an article starting something and then maybe I would have come back to it a few weeks later. Because I have released my pressure to write everyday, I can now save up and get out what I really want to share in the format I want to use.

One of the things that I wanted to do with my crock is make some pickles, the original way. I love vinegar and quick pickling but I want the preservation skill of anerobic fermentation. In fact, I have heard that fermented salsa is the bomb. It makes me want to get another, smaller crock to satisfy all of those itches of things I want to try.

A few weeks ago, my son wanted to make some Korean military stew otherwise known as Budae Jigae. This was perfect timing because I used copious amounts of kim chi in the dish so I could clean out my crock and get prepared for the pickles I was going to make. The neat thing about budae jigae is that it was perfect for the wilted baby bok choy and a couple of stray hotdogs in the fridge. You literally just throw things in that you want to use up.

I went to the farmers market in search of fresh Kirby cucumbers at a good price. I found them, minus the good price but hey I appreciate them making money and continuing to be there year after year. Pickles are pretty simple: cucumber, dill, garlic and salt is all that is needed. I threw in about half a cup of pickling spice because I had it and I like a little extra kick.

The one thing I couldn’t find was fresh dill. I see it in the grocery store around this time of year, but I happen to know someone that has copious amounts of it, my parents. I haven’t seen them much this summer since most of it I have been holed up in Portland. So, I thought it was good to go see what was going on with them and collect as much dill as I wanted.

Unfortunately, it took me a couple weeks to get this project going after I had everything; still having hangover events to being gone all summer (like everyone else’s doctor appointments). I washed and sorted through the suspect cucumbers that stayed in the refrigerator too long. From the recipes I read, it said that day of pickling will yield the crispest results. I had to deal with the situation that I had.

Prep you ingredients and cover with 3% salt solution. That translates to two tablespoons of salt per quart. Wait three to six days and you have pickles. It seemed a little improbable to me that it would be that fast. However, the picture below is after six days.

The real results are how do they taste? I thought it was pretty good considering I really didn’t know what I was doing. I thought that they were missing a hint of sweetness but I don’t know where that would naturally come from. My wife said that they were way too garlicky. I deliberately put more in because she said that she wanted lots of garlic. Oh well, she is highly subject to strong tastes and smell right now anyway. Maybe as she heals, she will like it more.

Something I would do differently next time is not make so much. I bought 11 pounds of cucumbers. It filled my crock for sure but what happens if they are not good or turn? That would be $20 down the drain. It is always better to make more next year than bear the sting of failure or waste.

Speaking of turning, like all fermenting it continues until it is done. So if you are happy with the current results it is hard to stop. The concept of cold crashing or cooling them to halt the fermentation is in order. That presupposes that you have a fridge or somewhere cold to put the crock. I do, but I think I will leave it in the basement in the name of science this year.

End Your Programming Routine: I am looking forward to a late summer burger soon. I can have all the pickles I want without feeling guilty. In fact, it would probably be best to get on eating these fast before they get forgotten in the basement. I would definitely call this a success with an eye on perfecting the recipe in future years.

September 4, 2024 – Something About a Dog

We have been dog owners for most of our lives. We have had a number of breeds but I am particularly fond of the hunting breeds. I grew up with a Springer Spaniel and we have had a Dalmatian, Beagles, a Shiatzu and our two retrievers. That is a pretty good sampling of dogs. I also like the more docile nature of female dogs. Admittedly, I appreciate that they don’t stop and pee every thirty steps either.

Pictured below is our current dog, Raya. She is a descendant from our last dog Snowflake. Snow was a particularly loving dog that used to lay at the end of the driveway as the kids walked by on their way home from school. The kids would run up and pet her and she loved it. She would run off (not far) to get petted and attention from strangers. Multiple times we got calls from people that said they had Snow in there car to bring her home.

Unfortunately, Snow died of hyperthermia due to an unknown heart defect. We were tragically hurt by that so after a year of grieving we tried to fill the hole with another dog, Raya. Snow was a purebred English Retriever. Raya is a mix of Golden Retriever and Bernese Mountain Dog. Hence, she is all black rather than a typical color spectrum of Goldens. I would say that overall, she looks like a large Golden Retriever that is black with the long hair and everything.

It is really not fair to compare the two. Snow was pure love. She loved everybody and everybody loved her. Raya takes some getting used to. She can be very off putting and even come off as aggressive to strangers by growling and baring her teeth. The vet has a muzzle order on her even though she has mellowed out with age. They said it was because she was a Covid dog and was very isolated for the first year. I don’t know, she is very steady at the groomers and stands calmly on the table while they do their work.

The funny thing is that this behavior is not exhibited toward everyone. So, I don’t know if she knows something I don’t or what it is. When I am walking her, people sometimes ask if they can pet her and I decline because I don’t really know how she will react. But once Raya gets to know you, which doesn’t take long, she won’t leave you alone. She is constantly underfoot if possible. I feel like she is the exact mix of her two breeds. She has some of the exuberance of a Golden Retriever as well as the livestock guardian of the Bernese.

There was a night that I was staying in Portland and the kids were home alone. Our son called about two in the morning saying that the dog was barking and he saw a flash of light. You can see how often we actually get thunderstorms by that confusion. As much as I miss the lovey-dovey Snow, I feel confident that Raya really feels a duty to protect this house and this family.

At the beginning of the year, my wife was really sick. We cancelled Thanksgiving and my wife didn’t get out of bed in between Christmas and New Years. Raya knew that something was wrong and would get up on the bed and lay her head on my wife’s lap as she laid in bed all day. Some people say that some dogs can smell cancer (or at least sense something is majorly wrong). I suspect that this was a recognition that something had changed, but who knows.

Thankfully, Raya doesn’t do some things that Snow used to do. Raya doesn’t eat socks left out overnight. When my kids were younger, I had to go on sock patrol every night to make sure that we wouldn’t lose another one. Sometimes I forgot, sometimes I missed them and I would find it in the yard a few days later.

Snow used to run into the ocean and take big gulps of saltwater. In retrospect, I think this was a missed sign of her heart condition. Even when walking, she would just lay down in puddles sometimes. In about thirty minutes, explosive diarrhea. It could be in the car and often it was all over her coat. That made the trip home very challenging as well as knowing there was a nasty cleanup job ahead.

When my wife was in the hospital in 2010, several times volunteers came by with a therapy dog. No surprise, it was also a golden retriever albeit a much calmer and very nice temperament dog example of the breed. They offered in this in our recent stint in the summer, but I never saw a dog in the halls or heard that there was an opportunity. My point is that a good dog can even make us feel better.

End Your Programming Routine: So, Raya is not Snow, Raya is Raya. As much as she can be a pain in the butt, she brings some really nice qualities and leaves some that Snow had. When the going gets tough whether it is health or a shady situation, you want to be with the entity that has your back, always. For that reason, Raya is my ride or die.

September 3, 2024 – If Not Me, Then Who?

Today is a look at political polarization, some of the reasons and if there is anything that can be done about it. Before we get caught in the trap that polarization is somebody else’s problem to solve, we need to think about our role and what we can do about it.

August 30, 2024 – The Art of War, Initial Estimations

And we are off. The Art of War is a short book. Mine is 77 pages and that is broken up into 13 chapters. Each week, it should be pretty easy to read the chapter and have some time to digest the meaning. I didn’t just read three pages however, my version has 162 pages of foreword, history and scene setting. Like Dante’s Italy, I had no idea about the history and politics of 500 BC (or the politically correct BCE) China. Truth be told, when any book starts adding a ton of foreign names, I kind of get lost.

It can be the Bible or a fantasy novel it is all the same, if the text is full of unfamiliar names I start to gloss over. So, I didn’t get a lot out of the pretext but a few things. Sun Tsu could be a pen name. He was likely an advisor to one of the Chinese emperors. This book is one of seven classic tactical texts albeit the best known.

The translator Ralph Sawyer relates the thirteen principles to several battles that Sun Tsu allegedly orchestrated. I suppose that this is an attempt to justify the validity of the principles based on the outcome of the battle. But, I am going to save you all of that anguish and we will assume that this is valuable wisdom that we can apply in today’s battles. Whatever those are.

This is my own principle. Never get involved in conflict with someone that has nothing to lose. What does that mean? It means that I have more important things to do than fight. I won’t use any names here but there is a person in my life that is chronically underemployed. This is also a very difficult person to get along with in the best of times. I suspect that the two things are related.

This person has been in the ‘system’ for many years and really nothing better to do, I don’t have the experience, desire or resources to get involved in a legal battle or other such things. I am not saying it is right but a better option is to pay some ransom than waste a bunch of time or resources fighting. The only loser in this scenario is me.

My philosophy is an homage to another Sun Tsu idea. Only fight battles that you are going to win. How do you know that you are going to win? It comes down to the initial estimation. There are five parameters that Sun Tsu says general need to know. They would be Tao, Heaven, Earth, generals and military organization. These are slightly abstract metrics to me anyway, especially when you read the definitions.

  • Tao is the affinity of the soldiers to the ruler
  • Heaven is the Yin/Yang
  • Earth is the terrain
  • Generals are generally the skill and ability
  • Military organization includes things like troop strength and logistical support.

I don’t really want to get into analysis of each of these points but the thing that I notice is that this is really a holistic evaluation. Most people would probably only consider the last three elements in the evaluation and not necessarily the intangibles like ‘We have been on a real lucky streak, is this likely to continue?’ I think the thing to really take away from this is that an evaluation should be performed with a set of values that make sense for the situation.

Having never been a soldier, I cannot speak to that in particular. However, I have seen where weak initial estimations have come back to haunt time and time again. In the software business, I have seen underselling or underestimation of the scope and complexity cause virtual losses in battle. The poor generals lead troops that don’t have respect for the leaders. Logistical support is absent and the terrain is unknown. On top of that the Yin/Yang is not balanced because the plan is to make up the poor bidding with change orders or code in an attrition environment. Grind out the new workers who haven’t paid their dues.

How often do construction projects go double or triple the budget? Way too often because estimation is often more difficult than actually doing the work. Estimation is an interdisciplinary skill that requires knowledge of what needs to be done as well as a little bit of of poker. You have to know where the problem spots are likely and places where the project is likely to give and take.

Too often, this job is left to a polished smooth talker rather than a subject matter expert that has transitioned to a sales role. Also companies dig holes too deep by leveraging artificial advantages like off-shore workers (low rates) or currency conversions (converting a stronger dollar to weaker currencies for margins). This tricks might work to get out of a jamb but often put the short term profits over strategic partnerships or a happy workforce.

End Your Programming Routine: No, I have not confused business with war. Only one do I know anything about but I definitely concur that initial estimations are critical if you want to win the battle. Maybe Sun Tsu’s five parameters are adequate for war? What I can say is that parameters critical for success should be defined for the endeavor you are engaged in. They should be evaluated and refined with feedback. When this skill is mastered, then you will be prepared to determine whether or not to engage.

August 29, 2024 – When You Get To My Age…

Last Monday, I did something that I have been waiting fourteen years to do. I put it off for three years and then I finally had it done. It was a colonoscopy. I am not unique nor do I think that I am going to provide a ton of new insight, but if you are dreading it like I was, maybe I can help you out a little bit.

When I was thirty-five, I was working with my dad. One day, he said “I had a colonoscopy the other day and they found some polyps. Because some of these problems can be hereditary, you should get checked too”. I told my doctor at the time and he said “You are a little young for that but we will keep it in the records for when it is time”.

My wife, the medical miracle has had several colonoscopies already. She started getting on me a few years ago to get one done. I got a referral in 2022 and meekly tried to schedule an appointment but post Covid, short staffing and other excuses got in the way. This appointment I originally scheduled in April for July but I moved it several times due to our other summer arrangements.

Everyone knows about the prep or at least I think they do. I am not going to get graphic about things. Even though I have been around it before there are still things I learned. This is what I learned.

My instructions said to take one dose of the prep liquid at 4 PM. I hung around pretty close all day not wanting to start anything I couldn’t finish. It was definitely nerves that was anxious with anticipation. It took an hour for the action to start. That is the first thing to know, it isn’t immediate. Then it was every twenty minutes for the next three hours.

My second does was at 11PM. Do the math, that means that I wasn’t able to relax until 3AM. Even then, I was worried that maybe the second dose would act differently than the first. My procedure was at 8M. This means that I got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep.

If I were to do things over again, I would not have followed the instructions to the letter. Since I had to eat a clear liquid diet all of Sunday, my preference would have been to start much earlier and then I could have ‘safely’ rested much earlier. As soon as they wheeled me into the procedure room, the next thing I got was a sedative and I was out like a light. The next thing I knew, they were waking me up in recovery.

I cant help but think of one thing that Kirstie Alley said. Her one regret is not getting a colonoscopy earlier before it was too late. Throughout my life, I have been as anti-putting anything up the butt as they come for any reason. I want to be completely honest, this process was not that bad. The prep was definitely the worst. And the worst part about it was starting it so late and having to stay up late. I was exhausted by the time it was over.

End Your Programming Routine: One last tidbit. I have personally observed chemotherapy causing the same side effects as the prep kit. And it lasted for days, not just 12 hours. So, if you are scared or don’t want to deal with the discomfort, consider the alternatives. I won’t be looking forward to the next one but this procedures are no big deal.

August 28, 2024 – The Dark Vineyard

The Dark Vineyard by Martin Walker is the August selection of the Left Coast Culinary Book Club. Our meeting was held about two weeks ago however I was not able to make it, nor had I started reading the book. Not that it is a requirement. Truthfully, I am one of the few that read the books anyway.

I finished the book in about two weeks. It is short at a little over 300 pages. I also did something that I rarely do which is read a couple afternoons on the weekend. As a teenager, it would be nothing for me to read 100 pages a day. You would find me reading most of the time I didn’t have something else assigned to do. In a way I enjoyed it a lot, it took me back to my youth. This is also a clue that I was enjoying my reading.

It is true that I have done a lot of reading this summer but that is because I didn’t have anything else I could do. Now that I have been home a couple of weeks, that has changed significantly. I have things lined up that I want to get to. So, this was a choice, dare I say a luxury.

One thing that I appreciate about the LCCBC is my exposure to authors and genres that I would never find on my own. Left to my own devices, a thriller or a Tom Clancy action story would be where I stay. A mystery set in France I would pass right by. I enjoyed the story. All the heavy reading that I do makes it a nice treat to read something light and entertaining.

Walker has created a series with a small town detective named Bruno who solves crime. While I was reading the book, I kept envisioning PBS shows like Masterpiece as the characters and scenery in my mind. This book is the second in what I know three so far. This has been the only one that I have read.

Wine is the subtle thread of the story. Many of the characters are vineyard owners, winemakers, bottle shop owners and all are consumers of wine. This was a perfect book for the book club in my mind. Food plays a minor role, wine plays a major role and entertainment is the star. It sure beats reading cookbooks for pleasure.

I won’t give away the story. But, there are several crimes that occur throughout the book. I also won’t say it is predictable even though I guessed the perpetrator pretty early on. You have to read to the end to see it all woven together. Walker does a pretty good job of not leaving too many clues other than to say there is one character who’s actions don’t make a lot of sense and yet seem to be popping up in most chapters.

Is it a must read? No. Was it enjoyable? Yes.

End Your Programming Routine: For books we have read this year, I would rank it below Lessons in Chemistry. That makes it the second best book of the year. I would put it above Kitchens of the Great Midwest and Delicious ranking it pretty high in recent reads. Given that I have only read Dante and these books, it ranks pretty high amongst what I have read this year. So, if you are looking for something to make you hungry or an easy plane read, this is not a bad choice.

August 27, 2024 – Have You Ever Wondered About Repair?

I have always been a connoisseur of sunglasses. When I was a junior in high school, I bought my first pair of Oakley Frog Skins with a blue iridium coating on the lenses. Unfortunately, I sat on them in the car seat within six months. I sent them in and I got my one replacement pair. I don’t remember their final demise but I think I broke them within another year and I was in college, without the funds or the desire to replace them.

In 2005, we went to Maui for my brothers wedding. Since it had been thirteen years since my last ‘expensive’ pair, I decided to treat myself to some wire framed Ray Bans. My hopes that they would be more resilient than the plastic framed Oakley’s. Fortunately, my vision has been pretty good. And, because I live in the more often gray Pacific Northwest, sunglasses season is when the weather is good. So after our trip, I left the glasses in my truck so they would be there when I wanted them.

Whether it was a manufacturing flaw or just the conditions, the polarization film is between two pieces of glass. The film started to contract between the glass looking terrible and clouding vision. I bought these Ray Ban’s at the ubiquitous Sunglasses Hut. They also have a one replacement policy within a year. So, I got another pair of Ray Bans in 2006.

I started treating them with kid gloves or at least I tried. I remember the day in 2012 that I was helping my wife to the car after a follow-up with the doctor from cancer the first time. I wasn’t wearing the glasses but they fell off my person and landed on the temple on cement. That force popped the lens out and tweaked the frame. In my attempt to bend the frame in position to hold the lens, I made it worse and worse. I could get the lens in but then looked terrible on my face. I finally gave up and they were relegated to my basket with wallet and keys.

Before repair
Before Repair. It is hard to see how bent the frames really are and the left lens is not attached to the glasses.

After giving up on them, I got another pair of Oakley’s in 2019. I told my wife that I still want to fix my Ray Bans. I was always going to… take them to a local optometrist and find out if they could fix them, mail them into a glasses repair service, not abandon them. It was while I was organizing my personal space getting ready to go back to the hospital a couple months ago that I said to myself, fix these or throw them away.

I searched ‘Ray Ban repair’ and one of those heavily advertised sites came up. They had branches in Kirkland, WA and four or five in California. They advertised $39-69 for the average repair and one day turn around service. I really just needed the frames straightened properly so I figured that this was worth the gamble. I followed the instructions and waited. Here is what happened.

After about ten days, they called me and gave me an estimate. I gave the go ahead. About five days later, they called and wanted me to pay. Unfortunately, it was Saturday and I was at a play so I had to return the call on Monday. By Thursday of the next week, I had my glasses back, good as new. The following is the breakdown of the cost.

  1. $10 Priority Mail to Kirkland.
  2. $39 for cleaning and repair
  3. $10 to replace the rubber (optional)
  4. $10 tax
  5. $10 to ship them back to me

If you are doing the math, it took about 20 calendar days and $80 to fix. That sure beats twelve years broken. I am pleased with the work and the results. I personally think that the turnaround time didn’t meet my expectations and all the added expense of shipping was quite a bit more than the ads lead me to expect. But, a broken set of sunglasses are not worth the space they have been taking all this time.

As you know, I am a believer in repair. I had asked my eye doctor about repairing old eye glasses that I had with a new prescription. They amped up the risks of broken components, no warranty, risks etc. My belief is that they are more interested in selling new glasses than actually taking care of their customers. So I never pursued fixing my glasses with them. A service that isn’t going to put the fear of god in you to ship something seems more appealing.

These glasses originally cost me around $200 so and $80 repair seems reasonable. I am not sure that they make this model anymore either. Narrower height lenses that stretch across my face are more complementary than big, round lenses. The truth is, my big regret is not doing this years earlier. In fact, at one point my wife was using the case for her sunglasses saying that I didn’t need them anymore. That was true. Nobody should take twelve years to fix something.

End Your Programming Routine: Don’t be like me. If something is important, take care of it. While I wouldn’t say that the repair service delivered on value in both time and cost, I am grateful for the end result and that I could conveniently mail the glasses in and pay for them and they would be fixed. Value is a subjective metric. To me, it was a valuable service. Be prepared to wait and pay but also get what you want.

August 26, 2024 – Reboot

I am back after taking a couple weeks off. Following my last podcast, I decided to spend my time off evaluating changes that I want to make. Tune in today to find out what those changes are. Hopefully, you will find this a better overall experience.

August 23, 2024 – The Divine Comedy, Conclusion

We are finally at the last act for Dante. If you recall when I started, I was trying to delve more into faith with fiction. It didn’t take long for me to discover that this was more fiction with a faith backdrop. This lead to a long period of disappointment until I reconciled with Dante. More on that in a minute.

It was late into Paradise when I had a revelation. I always knew that Dante was destined to head back to earth. It was this story that he was commanded to take back. That was the genesis story for the Devine comedy.

If I had to stack rank the three books, this would be my order Purgatory, Hell and then Heaven. I know that might be a surprise, I think that I am too. But, of the story Purgatory actually makes the most sense to me. I still don’t believe in Purgatory, but I can understand the logic of how it works. I liked the creativeness of Hell and I was disappointed with Heaven.

I am glad that I read it. With the dust settled a bit, I can appreciate it a little more. It is considered one of the great works of literature. I don’t respect ‘great’ too much but it did allow me to contemplate my own faith given the contrasting opinion with Dante’s view of faith. It is one of those things that you can check off but I don’t think that I will likely be reading it again.

I think that you could probably read this twenty times to catch all of the nuances. I found myself getting caught up in all of the footnotes and backstory to really get in the groove. Some nights it was really hard because my reading was so disjointed flipping back and forth between the footnotes and the actual text. I could hardly remember what I read.

I know that you were all reading along with me right? Sure. Would I recommend this as an entertaining work of fiction? Honestly, I would say no. This is a scholarly work that is deep in Italian history, Greek and Roman mythology and Catholic regimen. I am not telling you what to do, but I am telling you that this is very hard to read. It is harder to understand and impossible to fully identify with.

I have heard that some reading clubs do The Devine Comedy in 100 days. This is because there are 100 Cantos. As much as I read, that would be pretty hard for me to do. Each Canto represented approximately 30 minutes each for me. So, I have about fifty hours into the book. Realistically a lot more than that but who is counting.

You can’t blame Dante really. He was pissed off about getting banished from his home. I would make fun of my enemies too if I were to write a story. The name Comedy was in the title. So shame on me for having different expectations. While I didn’t laugh much, I could see the sarcasm and irony both elements of humor. I am sure that if I had more context with many of the characters, I might have found it more funny.

I can’t remember if I said this or not, I think that I have. Despite not being a Catholic, I have a deep respect for the organization. There is no doubt that many bad things have been done in the name of the Lord. It is the mission of the church that I admire and not the people. That is one of the things that a lot of Catholics seem to miss, including Dante.

End Your Programming Routine: My final answer is that I am glad I read it and I am glad that I am done. Since I read the inferno in high school, reading the full work gave me a much more comprehensive view of the story. I am definitely looking forward to turning the page on The Art of War.

August 16, 2024 – The Divine Comedy, Paradise, Conclusion

So, it has been a long road. Part of me wants to wrap things up completely and part of me wants to savor the end. Since I had a summary at the end of each book, I thought. It muddy the waters between the thoughts of Paradise versus the entire work. While I will save my total thoughts to next week, you can probably guess based on the sum of all of my writings.

Dante’s Paradise is comprised of nine official, ten total and eleven technical levels. The eleventh is technically pre-paradise but I took that as it’s own week since there was all of the pomp and pageantry of crossing the river and such. Those levels were

  • Moon – Incontent
  • Mercury – Ambitious
  • Venus – Lovers
  • Sun – Wise
  • Mars – Warriors
  • Jupiter – Rulers
  • Saturn – Contemplatives
  • Fixed Stars – Faith, Hope and Love
  • Primum Mobile – Angels
  • The Empyrean – God and the highest of high

I guess my summed impression is different than Dante’s. First, I never imagined that heaven would have levels. I was told that someone dies, that we would meet in Heaven. If we came from two different positions in life, based on Dante’s description we could be on two different levels forever. It could be my earthly thinking but I want to believe that my version of Heaven is the more accurate one.

Second, I haven’t dwelled much on what heaven would actually be like. I always kind of thought it would be euphoric. But, Dante may be more right than me in this area. Contentment might be the better virtue description here. What could be a better state than perpetual contentment never wanting or never needing.

Like the previous books, I find it convenient that Beatrice, an essentially unknown historical figure and love of Dante’s life is his guide and takes a seat at the top. In the lower levels the figures of interest are Dante’s enemies and people that he holds in disdain. It definitely tempers how I feel about the potential accuracy of Paradise.

Ultimately, Paradise left me feeling a little underwhelmed. I was expecting more big named bible stars and historical figures like the previous two books. I think that the work does little to settle the free will vs. predestination argument. It seems like Dante was talking out of both sides of his mouth with both mechanisms in play.

My version of Christianity has predestination as the end of your life but free will as what you do in between the beginning and end. I think that we are predestined to go to heaven unless we do things to interrupt that. And I would imagine us all ending in the Empyrean not permanently on different planets.

End Your Programming Routine: Next week I will issue the final verdict for the entire work. Don’t forget that we will be starting the Art of War following that. I haven’t even had a chance to look at the book yet despite I have had it in my possession for several months. While Paradise is not what I ultimately expected, it doesn’t mean that it is still my ultimate goal.