For those that know me (really well) they would know that I have been struggling for several years with my job. When I was younger, I believed that I was capable and qualified to do anything. Put a twenty years of maturity on and of course I now know that while that may be technically true, many things I am no longer willing to do.

Part of me wishes that I could start over, part of me knows how successful I really am at least income wise.  But, as the saying goes “Money doesn’t buy happiness”.  My creative output is very limited and I find most mornings dreading the upcoming work day.  Several successive executives have had stress related heart attacks.  It is hard to imagine another week let alone 25 more years.

A friend, mentor, boss and vice president announced two weeks ago that he was leaving my company for what amounted to irreconcilable differences.  I find that very ironic considering he was the one that challenged me to wait for pending organizational changes and trust that his brand of revolution would lead the company into something I could believe in.  Needless to say, I felt a little betrayed, while at the same time vindicated for some of my personal differences.  That night I felt pretty low.

I am not super religious, but a Christian nonetheless.  One of my New Years resolutions was to read an study a daily devotional.  Honestly, I have failed at the daily part but continue to work through several entries a week.  This is the interesting part: that night the scripture was 1 Timothy 6:1-10.  I’ll help you if you haven’t read it, it’s about danger of greed and putting your struggles to God.  Now, I have been praying off and on about trying to find the lesson in my struggles for years.  Maybe this is it?

I am not quite sure, but one paradigm that has shifted in recent weeks was to expect that an outside influence would some how magically change things for the better is just not a reality.  Any change in my perception is going to require me participating in the outcome.  I still hold many of the same desires and struggles that I had prior to two weeks ago, the difference is that I might have found the message in my struggles.